Jia Xu Answers Letters
by Lolsnake9
Summary: Just following the trend like everyone else. I use Jia Xu because he's my #1 favorite DW character. And don't worry, I'll stop when it's time to stop. Oops, I didn't mean to offend anyone when I said that. Well, that's it, I guess. 25 chapters and I'm done.
1. Chapter 1

**Jia Xu Answers Letters**

* * *

 **Just following the trend like everyone else. I use Jia Xu because he's my #1 favorite DW character. And don't worry, I'll stop when it's time to stop. Oops, I didn't mean to offend anyone when I said that.**

* * *

 _It is your typical morning in the Wei kingdom. Our favorite turban-wearing strategist rose up from his bed and logged in to his email. There, he found one email coming from his best bud, Guo Jia._

* * *

To: Guo Jia

Oh, right. Good morning too.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Guo Jia

Why? Well, I'm simply following the trend like everyone else. Sima Yi got it, Xiahou Dun got it, even Sun Quan and Zhang Chunhua also got it! So I decided to have one as well.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Guo Jia

Pfft. What could possibly go wrong?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Guo Jia

What did you say?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Guo Jia

No, I'm not from the Yellow Turbans. My turban is blue, see?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Guo Jia

There's no Blue Turbans either.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Guo Jia

Wait, what?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Guo Jia

Seriously, what wine are you drunk on right now? I'm not from ISIS either!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Guo Jia

Look, I do not go around shooting people and lay bombs in the name of religion! Only my former boss did that!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Guo Jia

What? No no NO! I did not mean Zhang Jiao!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Guo Jia

What I meant is Dong Zhuo. He did not actually HAVE a religion, let alone killing people in the name for it, but he did lay bombs around.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Guo Jia

No, that doesn't mean he's from Al-Qaeda either. I think they might not accept him because he looked worse than the Devil they believe in.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Guo Jia

And now you're saying I'M from Al-Qaeda?!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Guo Jia

Dude, let me get this straight: Just that I wear a turban does not mean that I'm Muslim. Same case with Xu Huang. And even then not all Muslims are terrorists!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Guo Jia

You know what, I think you need to get off wine altogether to stop this nonsense babbling.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Guo Jia

No, that doesn't mean you can spend more time with pretty ladies either.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Guo Jia.

Well? Fuck you, that's why.

Jia Xu

* * *

 _And so Jia Xu closed his laptop and went on with his usual daily activities. On nighttime, he opened his laptop once again, and found one email from Guo Jia, again._

* * *

To: Guo Jia

Good night too. What do you want?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Guo Jia

Drinking? Fuck no, I won't go with you.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Guo Jia

Because it's bad for your health!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Guo Jia

Yes, it is. I have the proofs.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Guo Jia

Our emails at the morning.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Guo Jia

What? No, I don't care about you. Go away.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Guo Jia

Really, the way you talk about this makes me think like I'm an old man version of Wang Yuanji. Which I'm not. So fuck you.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Guo Jia

Go. THE FUCK. AWAY.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Guo Jia

Sigh….you know what, I won't dabble in this shit for any longer. So thank you and good night.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Guo Jia

What? Why in the hell would I give you a good-night kiss?!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Guo Jia

Dude, I'm old enough to be your FATHER.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Guo Jia

Really! I was 23 when you were born. If you were born with the name 'Jia Guo' instead I'm sure it would be a wholly different story.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Guo Jia

Yeah. Oh, and just for information I banged your mom. Good thing your bastard half-sibling didn't come out from that. Or YOU, for that matter.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Guo Jia

Oh. So this good-night kiss is played out like between father and son because of our age gap? So that's what you meant, eh…I suppose it's fine, assuming you don't have incestuous feelings.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Guo Jia

Eh? Um, no! It's not what you think, I swear!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Guo Jia

Well, it's not my fault that I said it like that! I mean, you're a pervert who doesn't seem to mind banging BOTH girls and guys, so I thought THAT'S what you expected from me.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Guo Jia

Don't think I don't know what you did with Xun Yu yesterday.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Guo Jia

Fine, then. Goodnight, Guo Jia. (˘⌣˘)ε¯٥) (Ugh…why do I have to do this…?)

Jia Xu

* * *

Yeah…so that's my take on the whole 'X Answers Letters' fics here. I'm sorry I was unable to post a new fic yesterday because I have a LOT to do in my first days of school. I hope you understand. Yeah, this chapter doesn't have a lot to offer, but I promise the next chapters will expand onto the other characters as well. Oh, and I did not mean to offend any Muslims here, and I apologize to anyone who was offended.


	2. Chapter 2

_On the next day, Jia Xu found an email from Zhang He._

* * *

To: Zhang He

Great. It's you. What do you want?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Zhang He

You want to vent? To ME? Bwahahahahahahahahahaha.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Zhang He

Okay, okay, I'm sorry. Geez, how serious the matter is, anyway? I assume that running out of powder is the only 'serious' matter to you.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Zhang He

Who? Oh right, the girl with the harp. Why?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Zhang He

What? You tried to hit on her? You serious?!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Zhang He

Oh. Then why did she do to you, then? Playing music so horrible that Jiang Wei's and Xiaoqiao's voice combined sound like an orchestra?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Zhang He

Wait, what?!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Zhang He

Pfffttt…..AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA! Oh my god, she kicked you THERE?! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Zhang He

No, really! This is the funniest thing I've ever heard in a couple of years! Oh my god…then again, you've been always a trap anyway, but now she just made it 'official'! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Zhang He

Pfft. Why yes, I AM a mean person. What do you expect from someone like ME, huh?!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Zhang He

Now you're asking me advice to get her?! What the fuck?!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Zhang He

What! When is it the time I ever get together with Cai Wenji?! I am 3 decades older than her. Now that's gross.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Zhang He

Huh? Now who the hell told you that?!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Zhang He

What! Shit, I knew I shoulda kept my high school photos in a secure lock so that drunkard pervert can't fiddle with it!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Zhang He

Argh. Look, aside from the fact that we debuted in the same game (though technically she came earlier, but she made her first appearance in the west alongside me), I have NO fucking relations whatsoever with her, okay. Now waltz off.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Zhang He

Sigh…look, Guo Jia also tried to hit on her once, but like you, he was kicked in that area. Not that'll stop his pervert attitude, mind you. But whatever it is, it's hopeless to get her, okay! There are still prettier single girls out there! Guan Yinping, Lu Lingqi, whichever you like!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Zhang He

Oh, right. You won't even stand half a second against their fathers. Nevermind.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Zhang He

Okay, maybe the reason why she doesn't want you is because you're a trap. She doesn't want to be thought as a lesbian. And her kicking you there just confirms that.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Zhang He

Look, I can't help you, okay! When Guo Jia suffered the same, he too asked for advice to no other but ME! Seriously! I am not an expert in lovemaking so I don't know why everyone else in Wei thinks I am!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Zhang He

Well, it's a whole fucking different story in high school! So stop bringing up those photos here! Argh, this conversation makes less sense as it goes on. So fuck you and good fucking bye.

Jia Xu

* * *

 _After that long conversation with Zhang He, Jia Xu went on again with his usual daily activities. At nighttime, he found an email from, yet again, Guo Jia, though this time with a (un)pleasant surprise, as it shows an NSFW picture of a girl eerily resembling Zhou Yu._

* * *

To: Guo Jia

What the hell is this?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Guo Jia

Yeah! That naked picture of Zhou Yu wearing glasses!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Guo Jia

Wait…that's…ME?!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Guo Jia

Technically, not me…but…my reincarnation…what in the name of honestfuckery are you talking about?!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Guo Jia

Oh, that anime with girls and panty shots that put an eternal taint on our reputation, I know it. So wait…that's ME in that show?!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Guo Jia

You sent it to me to what?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Guo Jia

NO, Guo Jia. NO. I'm NOT getting a boner for watching an NSFW picture of a genderbent reincarnation of myself! Hell! NO!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Guo Jia

And you're jacking off to that picture instead?!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Guo Jia

You know what, I hate you.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Guo Jia

Wait, you're telling me that you and me in that show are…oh no.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Guo Jia

Stay. Away.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Guo Jia

And now….Cao Cao?...what?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Guo Jia

…..I. HATE. YOU.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Guo Jia

I'm not answering you. Stop sending emails.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Guo Jia

I'm not answering.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Guo Jia

Stop. Sending. Me.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Guo Jia

What?! Look, just that now I'm sending you replies doesn't mean that I am answering you. It's a different thing. Now fuck off.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Guo Jia

I told you several times, I'M NOT- oh, what is this?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Guo Jia

An…apology? Hmm.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Guo Jia

…hey. You're sure this isn't some porno video you regularly jack off to?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Guo Jia

Is that so?

Jia Xu

* * *

 _And so Jia Xu watched the video sent by Guo Jia. To his horror, it is infact a clip from that particular show of him and Guo Jia doing something best left unmentioned. In his frenzy, he grabbed his chain and sickle and smashed his laptop into pieces. Afterwards, he left his home with his weapon in hand, having his heart intent in murdering someone…._

* * *

So that's chapter 2. Okay, for anyone not quite getting the joke on the first part, Zhang He and Cai Wenji's English VAs, Yuri Lowenthal and Erin Fitzgerald respectively were also known to play Yosuke and Chie from Persona 4. And as Hiimdaisy shows you, she has a peculiar habit of kicking Yosuke in the nads. As the second part, I truly can't help but to think that Kaku Bunwa from Ikki Tousen is basically Zhou Yu with glasses, even though I already knew that she's supposed to be Jia Xu. Blame the long black hair. Also, there's Zhou Yu's modern day job DLC costume. It couldn't be more obvious. Please review, and good day!


	3. Chapter 3

_After destroying his laptop, Jia Xu finally got it's replacement the next day. The next day after, he received a mail from Xun Yu._

* * *

To: Xun Yu

Oh, it's you. What?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Xun Yu

Ehh…yes. I destroyed my laptop two days ago, and I got the new one just yesterday, so I only got your mail now.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Xun Yu

It's because of something VERY nasty your boyfriend sent me.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Xun Yu

Yes. Your boyfriend, Guo Jia.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Xun Yu

How can I be wrong? Isn't Guo Jia a boy?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Xun Yu

And isn't he your friend?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Xun Yu

And so he's your boyfriend. Yes, by this logic this means you're my boyfriend too.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Xun Yu

Also, I know what Guo Jia did to you four days ago.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Xun Yu

Well, whichever context it is, either way you're Guo Jia's boyfriend.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Xun Yu

Well then. What do you want to talk to me?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Xun Yu

My hair? Oh, so you noticed?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Xun Yu

Well, yesterday morning I just found a dryer in my bathroom, even though I don't remember ever buying one. And so I decided to use it. Of course, it made my hair puff up a bit like this. Fuck it.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Xun Yu

Uh, yes it's silver. Why?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Xun Yu

What?! Seriously?!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Xun Yu

Damn…that's scary…even scarier than Zhang He's…

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Xun Yu

Yeah, yeah, I'll try to be more careful.

Jia Xu

* * *

 _After that, Jia Xu went on with his usual activities. At nighttime, he found a letter from someone he never expected…_

* * *

To: Zhong Hui

I'm sorry, but who are you?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Zhong Hui

'Zhong Hui the Beautiful and Magnificent'? Pffffftttt. Even Zhang He would cringe at that title. You're basically an arrogant, bratty, and gayer version of Xiahou Ba. Now tell me your intention so I can end this mindless mailing immediately.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Zhong Hui

What? Your dryer? I don't have it.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Zhong Hui

Wait, silver?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Zhong Hui

Umm…okay…as a matter of fact, I didn't steal it from you. But I have it here. Somehow. And I already used it.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Zhong Hui

So you're the one who conducted that big massacre Xun Yu told me about? All to search for your FRUCKING HAIR DRYER?! Wow, you're even gayer than Zhang He.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Zhong Hui

Okay, okay, I'm sorry. But I seriously don't know how I came to have it, okay! It's just there! Now hurry up here if you wanna have it back!

Jia Xu _(impaled by one of Zhong Hui's flying swords that somehow came out of the monitor)_

* * *

To: Zhong Hui

Hm? My house is the one on the far left. Wait a minute, I think I saw you outside…OH MY GOD WHY ARE YOU NAKED?!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Zhong Hui

So you just came out rampaging and murdering the people when your dryer is missing RIGHT after you came out of the bathroom?! Without even wearing a towel?! Why is no one in Jin sane….?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Zhong Hui

Okay, okay, I apologize, again. Just hurry up here and pick up your goddamn dryer! Don't traumatize the Wei people with that thing dangling around like a dead snake!

Jia Xu _(impaled by horsehair whip, rapier, broadsword, throwing knives, drill lance, one of Zhong Hui's flying swords, siege spear, baton, an arrow, razor wires, a throwing axe and a javelin that all somehow came out of nowhere)_

* * *

To: Zhong Hui

It's locked?! Umm…just smash the door with your flying swords! Or use them as a key! (I certainly WON'T open the door for you and be greeted by your 'thing'….)

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Zhong Hui

Oh, so you already got it back? Good.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Zhong Hui

Wait, you wanna dry your hair HERE?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Zhong Hui

Uhh…okay…it's fine, actually. Just remind me to not come down there when you're not done yet.

Jia Xu

* * *

 _Several minutes later_

* * *

To: Zhong Hui

Oh, so you're finished? Good. Hey, wait a sec.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Zhong Hui

Umm…maybe you would want to borrow one of my towels to cover up that 'thing'…

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Zhong Hui

Yes, yes. I'm honest. I swear I won't cut your rattail off. Just return it tomorrow, okay? If you don't, THAT'S when I'll cut your rattail off.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Zhong Hui

No, I didn't wipe my ass with it. I use my special reserved red towel for it.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Zhong Hui

Wait, you used THAT towel to dry your hair?!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Zhong Hui

….

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Zhong Hui

…what? Hell no. I won't take responsibility for it.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Zhong Hui

I mean, it's your own goddamn fault! The rest of my towels are blue, and so you're supposed to KNOW that you should NOT use a particularly red-colored one before you ask!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Zhong Hui

Sigh…fine, if you want, you can wash your hair here again. I don't fucking mind.

Jia Xu _(impaled with two of Zhong Hui's flying swords that somehow came out from the monitor)_

* * *

To: Zhong Hui

What? No, I don't have Mane 'n Tail! Use whatever is in my rack to wash your hair!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Zhong Hui

Seriously, why in the hell do you care so much for your hair, anyway?! It doesn't fucking matter which shampoo you use! And you using Mane 'n Tail is a proof that your hair is literally the level of a horse!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Zhong Hui

Okay, if you want some Mane 'n Tail, go to Ma Chao or Lu Bu, not to me! Or just go the fuck home! Now quit bothering me!

Jia Xu _(impaled with three of Zhong Hui's flying swords)_

* * *

 _And so Zhong Hui left Jia Xu's house to wash his hair that was tainted by Jia Xu's red towel. After that Jia Xu immediately closed his laptop and went to sleep, wondering about how Zhong Hui's dryer came to be in his possession, and even considering to remove his email address after all of those 3-days shitstorm. But little does he know about the upcoming unexpected troubles coming upon him…_

* * *

Okay, just FYI, Zhong Hui's Dryer is an actual joke weapon skin for the chain and sickle weapon category in Warriors Orochi 3. Oh, and from now on everyone is free to send whatever mail they want to Jia Xu, either through review or PM, and he will send his replies on the upcoming chapters! So keep on reading and please leave a review! Good day!


	4. Chapter 4

_After that one long night involving dryers, Jia Xu once again booted his laptop, and found an email from two different people. He chose to read the first one._

* * *

To: Sima Yi

Oh, right. Thank you. Well, seeing how successful your letter segment is, I'm surprised that you don't have a problem walking around a house full of nothing but letters. But since now you use email, I guess that'll be more practical. Huh, really? I guess he really could just open his own letter segment, considering how fucking popular he is. Oh, that son of Guan Yu is getting on it too? Gee, this whole thing is getting really popular. Of course, that means he'll feel the daily suffering we both have every day.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Yue Jin

Uhh…wait, what?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Yue Jin

What the hell?! Geez, I might regret ever having this thing at the first place…

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Yue Jin

Pssh, okay, okay! When was it he started doing this to you?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Yue Jin

Just yesterday? Hmm…okay, what is it that he's doing to you now?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Yue Jin

What?! Holy hell, that's nasty! Okay, I think I might know whom to blame. Hang on there.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Zhenji

Hey, you. Yes, you. I need to talk to you for a sec.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Zhenji

No, I'm not going to raid your panties. I told you it was Guo Jia. Get over it.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Zhenji

Here, you have, you know, that movie you watched with Zhang He the other day?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Zhenji

No, I'm not accusing you having an affair with Zhang He. I won't tell Cao Pi about it. Here, what's the title of that movie again?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Zhenji

Ah, yes, that. Here, did you give that movie to Li Dian?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Zhenji

No? Then to who?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Zhenji

It just suddenly disappeared? Meh, how weird…eh, nothing is normal here, anyway.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Zhenji

No, I'm asking this because Li Dian suddenly got possession of that movie, and I distinctly remember you once watching it, so I decided to ask you.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Zhenji

Yes, yes, I will certainly ask him to give it back to you.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Yue Jin

Okay, first of all, do you ever recount Li Dian meeting with Zhenji?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Yue Jin

No? Now that's weird, since you're always with him all the time.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Yue Jin

And now he's what?!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Yue Jin

Oh lord. Not that. Anything but THAT!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Yue Jin

Okay, okay! Just lemme think! Sigh…my days are getting crazier ever since I ever got an email. Just hang on there!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Sima Yi

Ah, great. Just that now I have a fucking problem to deal with from a gay couple likely on a verge on falling out, you just suddenly came here to consult!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Sima Yi

Wait…your voice?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Sima Yi

What?! How is that possible?!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Sima Yi

Oh. Gee, why am I not surprised? Okay, first of all, where did you get that movie?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Sima Yi

Cao Pi gave it to you?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Sima Yi

Oh. Wow. Okay, I guess I might be able to solve these two problems at a time. Hang on there.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Xun Yu

Confess everything.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Xun Yu

Don't act like you don't know. Nope, confess EVERYTHING at this point or you'll have something embedded in your chest in the very next second, like me yesterday.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Xun Yu

I told you, sending your 'puppy-dog eyes' photo at me won't work. You KNOW you're behind all of this.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Xun Yu

Voodoo, voice switching, Twilight. Do any of those ring a bell?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Xun Yu

Tch. Figured it. Who else could be but YOU are to blame for weird stuffs happening around here? Now explain your procedures at once.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Xun Yu

Uhh…so THEY visited you first in order to get tips on BDSM? Okay…

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Xun Yu

And then you taught Li Dian voodoo? Hm hm...

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Xun Yu

…wait, that's all? The how about that whole Twilight stuff and Sima Yi and Li Dian's voices being switched?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Xun Yu

And then Sima Yi came to you, bringing that movie. And then you wanted that movie, but Sima Yi won't allow you, right?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Xun Yu

Oh, so that's the way into getting him to give you the movie…

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Xun Yu

And because you're so terrifying shitless at Li Dian, you instantly gave the movie to him so that he can torture Yue Jin. Okay, is there any way to reverse this whole thing?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Xun Yu

What sacrifices?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Xun Yu

….oh, god. No.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Xun Yu

…is this REALLY the ONLY way to turn Li Dian and Sima Yi into normal?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Xun Yu

….you know what, fuck you. Just like your boyfriend.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Zhenji

Hey, it's me again.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Zhenji

Yes. Yes, this time, I'm going to raid your panties. Okay, I guess the more appropriate term is 'to borrow one of your panties'. How's that?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Zhenji

Sigh…look, I'm not going to sniff and jack off with it. I told you only Guo Jia does that sort of thing.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Zhenji

Here, if you don't immediately let me borrow ONE of your panties, Guo Jia and Xun Yu will shortly come here to raid ALL of them. How about that?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Zhenji

Thank you very much. Oh, and regarding your Twilight DVD, let's just say that you won't be able to spend even as much as one second with Zhang He anymore. Good day.

Jia Xu _(with Zhenji's panty suddenly flying right into his face)_

* * *

To: Xun Yu

Here, I got it! Now do it!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Xun Yu

What?! There's MORE?!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Xun Yu

…you know what, if it weren't for the fact that you're the only one who can revert this whole fucking mess, I would fucking kill you here and now.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Zhang He

Good greetings, the unofficial 11th eunuch. Let me get this straight: did you give that pink hair dye to Li Dian?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Zhang He

Good. Now, do you have that special dye remover?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Zhang He

Great. Give it to me now.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Zhang He

Oh, you won't? Sigh…okay then. Guess I'll have no choice but to spread that little secret of yours.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Zhang He

Oh, so that night with Zhenji was 'nothing', then?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Zhang He

Gee, that was fast. Okay then, thank you very much. Oh, and let's just say that you won't be able to get in within even 10 meters radius from Zhenji. Good day.

Jia Xu _(with a special hair dye remover being suddenly thrown out of the monitor)_

* * *

To: Xun Yu

There! The second material! Are we all set?!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Xun Yu

Good. Seriously, can't you even get your magic work right for ONCE?!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Xun Yu

Yeah, well everyone in Wei knows just how bad of a wizard you are. A good fucking thing that you haven't turned Cao Cao into a female yet. Wait, I think that happened once. Ah, whatever, turn Li Dian and Sima Yi normal already!

Jia Xu

* * *

 _2 hours later_

* * *

To: Yue Jin

Ah, so Li Dian's now normal? Good thing.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Yue Jin

…and yet you still continue your relationship with him despite all that shit? Eh, whatever. Kids these days are so weird.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Sima Yi

So how about it? You can now finally do your trademark evil laugh again, can't you?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Sima Yi

Alright, alright, geez. Everybody knows how glorious your laugh is, Mr. Glorious Laugh.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Sima Yi

Hm? What's this?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Sima Yi

Uhh…okay…

Jia Xu

* * *

 _And so Jia Xu played the audio clip Sima Yi sent him, only to have Sima Yi's glorious laugh audio clip to blast Jia Xu across his room._

* * *

Okay! I guess that's all. Keep on sending mails and reviews! Good day!

P.S: Okay, I know that the majority of people reading this don't quite understand what is going on here, because this chapter were based on two reviews/mails sent to Jia Xu that for some reason won't appear at all in the reviews section, even though I received them through my email. So, here are the mails, quoted verbatim:

RosyMiranto18:

Jia Xu,  
I've heard from Guo Jia that you had the newest answers letters segment. Congratulations for your new segment, i just give pray that yours can be as well as mine.

From Sima Yi.  
P.S : Be careful of Guo Jia for few days, or even month. He becoming a very 'Jelly' person since your segment appeard.  
P.P.S : I also heard the rumor that Guan Ping is also preparing his segment. What do you think?

Cao Cao's Concubine:

Dear Jia Xu

HELP! Li Dian is trying to kill me,he's studied voodoo and he's dyed his hair pink he's laughing like Sima Yi while Torturing me!

Signed Yue Jin  
(A reference to Li Dian's Seiyuu Kosuke Toriumi voicing the Espada Szayelaporro Granz in Bleach who Tortured Renji Abarai who is voiced by Yue Jin's Seiyuu Kentaro Itou)


	5. Chapter 5

_It's 6 o'clock in the morning, and Jia Xu booted his laptop to find more strange letters to make his day worse._

* * *

To: Beihai Privates

Oh, wow, that ship seems familiar, I don't know. Um, no! I don't own that ship! Why in the hell would I ever buy one? Maybe the sender mistook me for someone else. Hmm, I was going to choose option D, but seeing how burning ships have traumatized Lord Cao Cao for the longest time I suppose I'll choose option B. It's a neat ship after all. As for the rums…well, my certain friend could use it.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Yu Jin

What the hell…?! Okay, I might expect no less from someone like XUN YU, but I suppose the situation is getting dire. Huh, that's a bad news since about 85% of us are bearded men. Maybe you could describe that strange young man?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Yu Jin

He always wears a hood? Wait, that seems familiar…

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Yu Jin

Huh…that's weird. Well, what isn't? Oh well. Thank you for your warning.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Guo Jia

Hey, it's so unusual to see someone like you crying and coming to vent to me. Well, considering the world we live in, that's saying A LOT. Okay, speak it immediately.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Guo Jia

I kinda half-expected you to say something like that. What did he do?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Guo Jia

Oh. He dumped you. Why am I not surprised?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Guo Jia

As I said before, I AM a mean person. Who did he dump you for exactly, anyway?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Guo Jia

A hooded man? Oh man, this is gonna suck…

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Guo Jia

Pffttt. Knowing Xun Yu, you really need to give more than THAT to truly please him.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Guo Jia

No, I'm not your replacement boyfriend. Stay away from my personal space.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Guo Jia

Okay, okay, stop crying! Geez, you're such a crybaby. Why not just turn straight and go after the pretty ladies than to bawl over him all the time?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Guo Jia

Sigh…fine, if a sleepover at my place will make you feel better. I have 20 drums of rums here, too. Maybe that'll make you feel better.

Jia Xu

* * *

 _After that, Jia Xu decided to take a walk outside to relieve himself from all of this nonsense. Suddenly, he met a rabid Xun Yu carrying a bunch of knives and other sharp objects, who then started to throw knives at him. While running away, Jia Xu received an email from Yu Jin._

* * *

To: Yu Jin

Ah yes! He's chasing me right now! How could have you known?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Yu Jin

Why yes, I'm able to type with my laptop while running. Does that fact bother you?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Yu Jin

What?! Lord Cao Cao?! What did he do to him?!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Yu Jin

The hell?!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Yu Jin

Okay, okay, thank you for your information! I have to get away now! Aaaaahhhh!

Jia Xu

* * *

 _After being chased by Xun Yu for 15 minutes, Jia Xu finally found a place to hide. When he peeked outside, he found Xun Yu walking alongside a hooded man. He carefully returned home and mailed Yu Jin._

* * *

To: Yu Jin

Hey. You remember the day we received the newest recruit?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Yu Jin

Yeah. You know, that kid who still sucks his mom's tits and cosplays like an Assassin.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Yu Jin

Yeah, that's him. Have you ever seen any…shady activities he's been having in the recent days?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Yu Jin

That's because he exactly fits the description of the man Xun Yu's been hanging out with! I just saw him walking with Xun Yu after I ran from him. Guo Jia too, said that Xun Yu dumped him for that man!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Yu Jin

Oh. Like a black market, eh?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Yu Jin

Drugs? Hmm, hardly surprising. Any clue on what type is it?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Yu Jin

He always got them stored inside drums…wait.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Yu Jin

No, nothing. Thanks for the info, by the way.

Jia Xu

* * *

 _After that, Guo Jia suddenly barged in Jia Xu's room while holding a blender filled with blood. He tried to get ahold of Jia Xu, fortunately Jia Xu managed to escape through his window. While running away from Guo Jia, he mailed Yu Jin._

* * *

To: Yu Jin

Yu Jin! This situation is becoming a serious shit! Now Guo Jia is trying to kill me too!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Yu Jin

Yes, yes! He's carrying my blender that's full of blood juice! God knows what he inserted there…

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Yu Jin

Well, after Xun Yu dumped him, he wanted a sleepover at my house, okay. I don't know when did he suddenly enter my house trying to kill me! That's all I know!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Yu Jin

What?! I don't have any drugs in my house!

Jia Xu

* * *

 _Jia Xu kept on running and running until he suddenly fell down a trap hole. He found himself in a long underground tunnel. At the end of the tunnel, he found a door. At the door, he has his face scanned, and be permitted to enter. He was shocked when he found Xu Shu bound on an operating table, eyes and mouth covered. Then, he found a mail._

* * *

To: Xu Shu

Hey! Why did you send me email? I'm right in front of you!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Xu Shu

Oh, okay. Why are you like this? I thought you're Xun Yu's new boyfriend!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Xu Shu

Your what?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Xu Shu

Ookkkaayyy…first things' first, explain what you did to Xun Yu!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Xu Shu

Rums?! Fuck, I shoulda KNOWN there's something shady about those rums! Okay, then what did he do to you?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Xu Shu

What?! So Cao Cao's his first victim, and now he's trying to do the same as with other bearded men…but you don't even have a beard.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Xu Shu

So he's just naturally obsessed with you. Okay, then what about your 'evil clone' thing?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Xu Shu

Soo…he did it to you first? Okay…

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Xu Shu

Okay, okay, I'll release you. But tell me how we can turn Xun Yu and Guo Jia normal and stop your evil clone!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Xu Shu

You serious?!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Sima Yi

Hey, it's me!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Sima Yi

Okay, here…can I borrow your shaver?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Sima Yi

Don't lie, I know you have it. What else is the reason you remain your smooth baby-face as a 70-year old?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Sima Yi

I know, I never shaved once in my entire life. Which is why I need your shaver! NOW!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Sima Yi

Thank you very much.

Jia Xu _(with an electric shaver being thrown out of the monitor)_

* * *

 _And so Jia Xu freed Xu Shu and went to the surface. There, they found Xun Yu and Guo Jia carrying a bunch of sharp objects. However, they're immediately horrified when they see a beardless Jia Xu, and fainted. They turned normal when they woke up. Xu Shu also managed to kill his evil clone that Xun Yu's been sleeping with. After that, Jia Xu threw away the rums he had in his house, and went to sleep, wondering about they nasty possibilities that'll come later if he remained mailing people…_

* * *

So that's chapter 5! Please continue reading and send mails! Good day!

P.S: That first bit about the ship was taken from a mail sent through PM.

RosyMiranto18:

*Attached is a photo of 'The Black Pearl' (Captain Jack Sparrow's Ship)*

Adviser Jia Xu!  
We received a shipment of ship (duh) that suddenly appeared on the coast of Beihai. The person who was sending it is unknown, but he left a letter-in-a-bottle that says the ship in your picture i've sent is are you gonna do to the ship, Adviser?  
A. Use it as you see fit.  
B. Donate it to Lord Cao Cao, either for pleasure or military.  
C. Return it to the Sender (wherever it is).  
D. Just Burn It.

Please give immediate replay, from the privates of Beihai.  
P.S : He also left 20 drums of rums on the Ship's Hull.


	6. Chapter 6

_Jia Xu lazily booted his laptop this morning, as if he's already prepared for whatever shitstorm that will come this time._

* * *

To: My father (whoever it is)

Who the hell are you?! My father died before the series started! Leave me alone!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Cao Cao

Oh, is that so? I was thinking you would give it a name like 'Horn's Ambition' (hehe), but in that case I'll do it.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Xiahou Dun, Dian Wei, Xu Zhu, Xiahou Yuan, Zhang Liao, Xu Huang, Zhang He, Zhenji, Cao Ren, Cao Pi, Pang De, Cai Wenji, Wang Yi, Guo Jia, Yue Jin, Li Dian, Yu Jin, Xun Yu, the generics and faceless mooks

To anyone and everyone in Wei,

As everyone knows, yesterday we have received a mysterious ship sent by god-knows-who (it's not me, I swear…), and as now our Lord Cao Cao wants to use it, perhaps to avenge his loss at Chibi, he wants a new, spectacular, extravagant name for the ship to go along with it! And here, he'd like to hear all of your opinions on what the ship's name's supposed to be! Don't worry, we Wei are democratic, after all!

Jia Xu

* * *

 _Several minutes later…_

* * *

To: Cao Cao

My lord, I already gathered the names suggested by the people of Wei:

Xiahou Dun: One-Eyed Voyager

Dian Wei: The Coming

Xu Zhu: Tasty Cruiser

Xiahou Yuan: Archer

Zhang Liao: The Might

Xu Huang: The Peak

Zhang He: Nature's Beauty

Zhenji: Song of the Sea

Cao Ren: Sturdy Smasher

Cao Pi: Tundra

Pang De: Davy Jones' Locker

Cai Wenji: Woe of the Oceans

Wang Yi: Seahorse Catcher

Guo Jia: A Man's Paradise

Yue Jin: Hooker

Li Dian: Voodoo

Yu Jin: Stern Sails

Xun Yu: Dreamy

P.S: The generics and the mooks can't answer, because they're so generic they don't have a personality.

So, what do you think, my lord?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Cao Cao

Me? I'd say we just name it 'The Flying Chinese'.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Cao Cao

Wait, so you won't use all those suggestions?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Cao Cao

…what. That's literally the very first name I suggested earlier.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Cao Cao

Psssh. Bullshit, bullshit.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Cao Cao

...hey. I thought we're democratic.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Cao Cao

Eh, fuck you.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Cao Cao

Um, no no! I didn't say anything!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Cao Cao

What?! Oh, fuck my life.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Cao Cao

…you serious? You love HIM?!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Cao Cao

Meh, I don't fucking know! Why ask me, anyway?!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Cao Cao

His best friend, yes. His occasional boyfriend, NO.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Cao Cao

Well, have you tried to ask him out?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Cao Cao

Shy?! The friggin' Hero of Chao being SHY to ask someone out?!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Cao Cao

No, I'm not joking. You could practically make babies with ANYONE whenever you feel like it, but now you're shy to ask someone you don't want to (and actually can't) make babies with? You know, I thought with that you won't have another burden to bear…

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Cao Cao

Sigh…fine! He's currently lovey-dovey with his male lover Xun Yu (he's turned bisexual. Why? Don't fucking ask), but I suppose I could get him to love you, but I won't guarantee it will last long…hmm…

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Cao Cao

Hmm…here. You go to him and tell him that you're having a party. Oh, and don't forget to say that there'll be pretty ladies too. He'll surely automatically come with you with the words 'party' and 'pretty ladies'. After that, tell him that one of your concubines is waiting to get him laid in a room. After that, you have to disguise yourself as a woman and get into the room, and the moment Guo Jia comes in, rape him.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Cao Cao

Yes, I'm sure. But as I said before, I don't guarantee it will last long. You have to be one hell of a player to get him to love you permanently.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Cao Cao

Well, considering how you have so many fucking children I'm sure you can do it.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Cao Cao

Well, I'll be waiting.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Nuwa

Ah, that little copycat of some samurai in another world again?! I thought he already quitted voodoo, black magic, stuff like that ever since that incident with Yue Jin…huff…

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Nuwa

Why me, though, WHY ME?! Argh, see, this is the reason why I'm atheist. You gods are a bunch of jackasses.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Nuwa

Um, no, no! I'm sorry! Please don't put me into Davy Jones' Locker!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Nuwa

Sigh…okay, fine! Huff…oh well, considering I can (somehow) survive the past 5 days I suppose I can do this.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Yue Jin

Hello. How're you doing?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Yue Jin

Hm? Oh, I'm simply asking your condition ever since, you know, that incident with Li Dian.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Yue Jin

What?! …..pffft.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Yue Jin

Pffttt….HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA! Oh man, I knew it! You're his babysitter! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Yue Jin

Your and Li Dian's son?! Ahahahahaha! Man, you know that's impossible!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Yue Jin

Hahahahahahahaaa! Ehem, nope, this time it's not Xun Yu, thankfully.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Yue Jin

It's actually none other than that goddamn snake-goddess, Nuwa's, doing.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Yue Jin

Well, the kid's you're babysitting has been causing a lot of trouble with his voodoo, black magic or whatever, so Nuwa's decided to turn him into a 3-year-old kid. Now she asked me to bring that kid so that she can turn him back.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Yue Jin

He's gone?!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Yue Jin

Tch! Okay, okay, where are you right now?!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Yue Jin

Yeah, okay, okay!

Jia Xu

* * *

 _And so Jia Xu immediately ran to Yue Jin's house, and on his way, he bumped onto the baby Li Dian. Then he tried to catch the kid, but unfortunately Li Dian's too fast for Jia Xu. At the end, Jia Xu gave up, and mailed Nuwa._

* * *

To: Nuwa

You know what, fuck you. I can't fucking do it.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Nuwa

Because he's too fucking fast for me! He's 3, I'm 60. What do you fucking expect?!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Nuwa

Like, seriously! Can't you just find another person to ask help?! Tch, I'm too old for this shit.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Nuwa

…wait, he already came for you?!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Nuwa

By himself?! Wait, what?!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Nuwa

…wow. Never thought I would look like THAT in the eyes of kids. But nevermind, you already got the kid, my problem's over.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Yue Jin

There, Li Dian's been taken care of. I hope you're happy you don't have to babysit him again.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Yue Jin

Why not?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Yue Jin

Oh, right. Pray that being turned into a kid made him forgot about all those freaky stuffs.

Jia Xu

* * *

 _And thus Jia Xu went home. Everything went as usual, until at 9 pm, he received a mail from Cao Cao._

* * *

To: Cao Cao

Oh, it's you. So how was it?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Cao Cao

Ha! Told ya it would work!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Cao Cao

And he agreed to stay with you forever?! Dayum! …I mean, conglaturations, uh congratulations!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Cao Cao

Uh, what?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Cao Cao

Why in the name of holy-fuckery would I be JEALOUS?! I told you guys several times already, I, am NOT, GAY! Not for Guo Jia, not for everyone! Period!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Cao Cao

What? Seriously, I don't care what you will do to him. He caused me WAY too much trouble already. (And I hope he'll do the same to you! Ohohohohooo…)

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Cao Cao

Yeah, yeah, just one thing: make sure Xun Yu doesn't know this. God knows what he'll do to you once he realized this, with power and a fucked-up mind like that…

Jia Xu

* * *

 _Not long after that, Jia Xu suddenly heard a very loud scream coming from the largest house in the Wei district. He's not sure whether it's a scream of horror or pleasure, but whatever it is, he knows it's a bad, BAD news…_

* * *

Okay, I'm sorry this came out late. I hope you'll enjoy it, though!


	7. Chapter 7

_This morning is different than the other mornings, because Jia Xu didn't receive any new emails when he woke up in the morning. And so he went on with his usual daily activities, up until in the afternoon…_

* * *

To: Cao Pi

Ooh, poor you. First he had an affair with your wife, and now with your secretary? Pfftt. What unlucky man you are, then!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Cao Pi

Then again, Zhang He debuted in the series earlier than you did, so technically he's the first to get both Zhenji AND Sima Yi. So he deserves it, kinda.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Cao Pi

Okay, okay, I apologize. Hmm, that's weird since Zhang He is technically a female now thanks to Cai Wenji, hmm…

Jia Xu _(shivering thanks to Cao Pi releasing cold air to his room)_

* * *

To: Cao Pi

Let's see, do you ever recall doing something that pisses Zhang He off?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Cao Pi

Because I just noticed a pattern here. First he had an affair with your wife, and then your secretary. I think he did it out of intention of pissing you off.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Cao Pi

Hmm…I know. Maybe you could use this. _(attached is a voodoo doll in the shape of Zhang He)_

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Cao Pi

Where did I get it? Well, Li Dian's been practicing voodoo lately, and he gave me this in case I'm pissed off. I don't know why he gave me the Zhang He one. Since I have no use for it maybe you could just use it.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Cao Pi

Yeah, yeah.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Li Dian

Sigh….look, you're NOT. Sure, sometimes I question whether you are a human being or not, but I don't think that an alien is as retarded and depraved as you.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Li Dian

Your mom? …umm, I think it might just be your black magic malfunctioning. Really, you've gotta learn how to control it. I don't want you to end up as another Xun Yu. We all don't.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Li Dian

Well, have you tried to turn her back?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Li Dian

And now she turned into what?!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Li Dian

…great. Remind me to keep a bamboo branch away from your mom whenever she comes here.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Cao Cao

What? When in the hell did they obtain ships too?!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Cao Cao

For some reason I believe it's the very same person who sent us Horn's Ambition. Along with those goddamn drugged rums….

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Cao Cao

Wait, you sure this is a genuine boat race and not a battle? Gotta make sure they don't bring fire or anything this time…

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Cao Cao

Okay, I apologize. I forgot that now you harbor deep trauma at the mention of the word 'fire'.

Jia Xu _(impaled by multiple icicles)_

* * *

To: Cao Cao

Oh well. By the way why in the hell am I the navigator?!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Cao Cao

For the last. FUCKIN' TIME. I am NOT and was NOT, a pirate. Where in the hell did people have that idea anyway?!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Cao Cao

Huh. Oh well. I guess I'll go if Xu Zhu'll provide us good meals. When will the race start?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Cao Cao

What the hell?! You mean EVERYONE already gathered there?!

Jia Xu

* * *

 _And so Jia Xu ran on the speed of light towards Tianshui, where everyone already gathered for the boat race. There he found Cao Cao, Xiahou Dun, Xu Zhu and Zhang Liao._

 _Cao Cao: Jia Xu! You're late!_

 _Jia Xu: Well **pant** it's not **pant** my goddamn fault! Why did you not tell me earlier?!_

 _Cao Cao: Huh? I coulda sworn I sent you the email this morning._

 _Jia Xu: Really?! When was it?_

 _Cao Cao: Hmm…07.01, if my memory serves me correctly._

 _Jia Xu: Oh, right. I left the home at 07.00. Fuck it._

 _Cao Cao: Well, now that everyone's here, go to your positions! We won't lose to Wu and Shu this time! Our boat is superior to theirs!_

 _Everyone: Yoo!_

 _And so everyone went to his respective positions. Cao Cao is the captain of the ship, Xiahou Dun and Zhang Liao stayed on their guards in case actual pirates attacked (smacked by flail and slashed by katana), while Jia Xu became the navigator, giving directions to Cao Cao through emails._

* * *

To: Cao Cao

Okay, start.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Cao Cao

Hmm…turn left.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Cao Cao

Okay…OH MY GOD WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?!

Jia Xu

* * *

 _Horn's Ambition crashed into a mysterious sea creature._

* * *

To: Cao Cao

I seriously do not know what the hell that is!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Cao Cao

Fine, I'll take a look!...oh lord.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Cao Cao

My lord, it's a giant insect demon.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Cao Cao

Yes, the one Sima Yi told you about.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Cao Cao

Well, let's just tell Li Dian that we just 'banged' his mom today. Hahaha. Man, that's evil. Oh well, let's take another route.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Cao Cao

Hey, there's the Shu ship over there! Should we attack it?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Cao Cao

No? Why not?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Cao Cao

Aw, you guys are no fun.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Cao Cao

Okay, then. Take turbo speed!

Jia Xu

* * *

 _And so Horn's Ambition speeded on the speed of light past the Spirit of Benevolence, splashing them over with water. You can hear some Shu people swearing from a distance._

* * *

To: Cao Cao

Haha! How do you like that? We just got revenge for Chibi!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Cao Cao

And now…oh! There's the Wu ship!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Cao Cao

Hmm…ah! Wait a minute! They seem to be preparing an attack!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Cao Cao

Wait, what are they doing…AAAAAHHHHH! MY EYES! THEY BUUUURRRRRNNNN!

Jia Xu

* * *

 _Infact, everyone's eyes burn, as the Wu people attack by having Huang Gai pull down his pants._

* * *

To: Cao Cao

Argh…are you okay, my lord?! Gakh, I feel like I'm having molten white chocolate inside my eye sockets…

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Cao Cao

Really…second time those Wu bastards use fire…uh what the hell is that?! TURN! TURN! AAAAAAAKKKKKKKHHHHHHHHH!

Jia Xu

* * *

 _As it turns out, the attack launched by Wu people caused the Wei people to lose focus, causing them to steer in the wrong direction and to hit…something. Did they survive? Or did they die, causing the jelly Guo Jia to take over this letter segment? Find out in the next chapters!_

* * *

Yeah, I'm sorry this came out a bit late. Also, as for this letter:

Jia Xu

Did...did you...did you just disrespect me?! How dare you?! I'm practically your mother! Do you WANT to feel Sima Yi's pain?! *Jia Xu got zapped by lightning* Do you want to see your kingdom fall?! *Jia Xu got punch by some unknown forces filed by lightning zap until he completed the task below*

PS : Now that I think of it, I really liked Li Dian. Not the dirty type, get your mind out of the gutter! I mean like genuinely love him liked soul mate or good friends. Is there any way I could get closer to him. Again, no dirty thoughts! I'm asking YOU not anyone!

You kinda forgot the sender. Anyways, please leave a review! Good day!


	8. Chapter 8

Continuing from the previous chapter, it turns out that the Horn's Ambition has smashed onto a giant baozi.

Jia Xu: What the hell is that?!

To: Cao Cao

No, my lord! I don't understand!

Jia Xu

To: Cao Cao

It's a giant baozi! Okay, don't ask how that works, but we just smashed onto a giant baozi! …wait, is that a person on top of it?

To: Cao Cao

I…don't know. He looks like Sima Yi, that's for sure. Aaanndd…is he jacking off to that baozi?

Jia Xu

To: Sima Yi

Hey, how're you doin'?

Jia Xu

To: Sima Yi

Me? My, thank you for asking about me. I'm fine.

Jia Xu

To: Sima Yi

The race? It's going fine (not really)…oh by the way, regarding the race, have you seen your eldest this morning?

Jia Xu

To: Sima Yi

No? Oh, I see that that has confirmed it.

Jia Xu

To: Sima Yi

Well, let's just say that you REALLY need to keep an eye over your son and his weird obsession. Oh well, I've got a race to take care of. Good day.

Jia Xu

To: Xu Zhu

Xu Zhu, what the hell are you doing?! Get off that giant baozi! You'll kill yourself!

Jia Xu

To: Xu Zhu

A recipe for us? Uhh…okay, I suppose it's fine.

Jia Xu

To: Cao Cao

Okay, okay, turn around the ship! We need to catch up with those Wu faggots!

Jia Xu

To: Cao Cao

Okay, according to Google Maps (?), we're now in Luoyang, whereas Wu has already sped up towards Xiapi. Shu is behind us at Chang'an. We need to speed up quickly to prevent them from catching up to us! Commence turbo speed!

Jia Xu

To: Cao Cao

Wait…we ran out of fuel?!

Jia Xu

To: Cao Cao

…fuck. Okay, we better find a new alternative. We need something else to speed this thing up!

Jia Xu

To: Cao Cao

…aha! I know!

Jia Xu

To: Zhang Liao

Hey you, you're carrying your two axes now, aren't you?

Jia Xu

To: Zhang Liao

Ah, great. Now, can you now spin the two on the two sides of the ship to propel it?

Jia Xu

To: Zhang Liao

Well, just go to the basement.

Jia Xu

To: Zhang Liao

Eh, don't worry about it. Who knows that it can save us in our need

Jia Xu

And so Zhang Liao went to the basement of the ship, where the wine storage is. There, he spun his twin axes to act as the propeller for the ship.

To: Cao Cao

Woo-hoo! You see that?!

Jia Xu

You wanna know? Well, let's just say that we're currently missing one crew member…

Jia Xu

To: Cao Cao

Okay, at this point we should easily be able to catch up onto Wu at Xiapi…OH MY GOD WHAT THE HELL?! 

Unpredictably, it turns out that the Spirit of Benevolence has suddenly caught up to the Horn's Ambition, thanks to Huang Yueying placing a Juggernaut on the back of the ship, breathing fire that propels the ship onward.

Jia Xu: What?! Argh, damn you benevolence-freaks!

Zhuge Liang: A-ha-HA! Suck that, fake pirates!

Xiahou Dun: What! You have the balls to say that?! I have the scars to prove it!

Jia Xu: I think 'scars' might be an understatement, considering your fame…

Xiahou Dun: WHAT DID YOU SAY?!

Jia Xu: Aigh! Nevermind! But really, I guess you wearing an eyepatch is the only reason you ever got chosen for this race at all.

Xiahou Dun: WHAT?!

Jia Xu: Argh! No, no! Nevermind! Tch, anyway, we won't lose to you you Shu twigs!

Zhuge Liang: A-ha-ha! If you want the humiliation we gave you at Chibi again, we will gladly give you one! Huang Zhong!

Huang Zhong: I'm on it! **lights an arrow with the Juggernaut's flames** Aha! Now I finally get to be in the spotlight too! **fires arrow**

Jia Xu: Well, it's due to Cao Cao not heeding my advice that- AAAAHHHHH! HOT! HOT! AAAAHHH! MY HAIR'S ON FIREEEE!

Cao Cao: AAAAAHHHHH! FFIIIIRRRREEEEE! FFFFIIIIIRRRREEEEE! AAAAAAHHHHHH! **fires icicles all over the place**

Jia Xu: GAAAAHHH! My Lord, I know you're scared, BUT DON'T FIRE ICICLES CARELESSLY! AAAAGGGHH! Xiahou Dun, do something about this!

Xiahou Dun: Erh, okay! **does his EX attack in DW8** AAAAHHH! HOT! THE FLAMES ARE EVERYWHERE!

Jia Xu: GAAAHHH! YOU FUCKEN IDIOT! AAAAHHHH!

Cao Cao: FFFIIIIREEEE! AAAAHHHH! IT'S EVERYWHERE!

Jia Xu: AAAAKKHHH! THE SHIP'S LOSING BALANCE! WE'RE GONNA DIEEEEEEEE!

Liu Bei: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh man, this is somehow more entertaining than Chibi! I truly have to thank you for this, Kongming, I mean, look at them!

Zhuge Liang: Hm, it's simply what I do, my lord.

Huang Zhong: Hey, don't forget about me!

Zhuge Liang: You don't count, old man!

Huang Zhong: What?! Youngsters these days are so rude! Hey! You'll pay for that! YOU'LL PAY FOR THAT! **prepares a cyanide-tipped arrow**

Zhao Yun: Gakh! Calm down, Master Hansheng!

Huang Zhong: YOU telling ME to calm down?! You twinky poster boy always get the ENTIRE spotlight. Me?! I'm practically non-existent! It's the time I will get the respect I deserve!

Zhao Yun: Argh! Cut it out! I'm the poster boy, but at least you get to do some action in this race. Me? I'm practically here for NO fucking reason other than obligation since I'm the poster boy.

Huang Zhong: Tch.

Meanwhile, the crew of Horn's Ambition is still frenzying around over the fire on their boat, while the Spirit of Benevolence leisurely speeds ahead of them, leaving Wei at the last place of the race.

Jia Xu: Gakh! Whew, finally the fire's out! Unfortunately, Lord Cao Cao seems to be knocked out into a coma by that horrifying image, and so we have no choice but to leave Xiahou Dun as the temporary replacement…which means death to us all.

Xiahou Dun: Hey! There, I found it! The finish line!

Jia Xu: Finish line? What the, you mean we're already there- WAAAAAHHHH! THAT'S NOT A FINISH LINE! TURN! TURN!

Xiahou Dun: What do you mean- AAAAAHHHHHH!

To their misfortune, their ship crashed onto two palm trees connected by a thin string.

Jia Xu: KYAAAHHH! YOU FUCKING IDIOT!

Xiahou Dun; W-wha? It's not my fault! It truly looked like a finish line to me!

Jia Xu: Bless you. Tch, I gotta find a way to catch up to Wu and Shu! Cao Cao's been knocked into a coma, and we have this blind general steering! Hmm…oh! I know!

To: Zhang Liao

Hey, how's it going down there?

Jia Xu

To: Zhang Liao

Damn, you're not tired yet? Truly, I have to give it to you as 'the hero of Hefei'…or 'the butcher of Hefei', to the Wu kids. Heh.

Jia Xu

To: Zhang Liao

Okay, okay, the problem is, those Shu twigs managed to yet again use a fire attack to our ship, which caused Lord Cao Cao to fall into a trauma-induced coma. And now we give the command to Xiahou Dun, which basically equals suicide. Now, I want you to drink ALL the wine in that basement to give us a MASSIVE speed boost. We've got nothing to lose now. Do it.

Jia Xu

To: Zhang Liao

Yes, I'm sure! Just do it! …wait, I'm not advertising that sports product. Oh well.

Jia Xu

After sending that email, suddenly the Horn's Ambition went on full speed thanks to the boost gained by Zhang Liao by drinking the top-notch wine stored in the basement. They sped instantly from Luoyang to Jiangling, where the Shu and Wu ships are.

Liu Bei: HA! We finally caught up to you! You won't win this time!

Sun Quan: Pthah! Just wait till we reach the finish line before you even know it!

Zhuge Liang: Ohohoho…you think you can withstand this, Zhou Yu?

Zhou Yu: Gakh! I won't lose to you! I will assure that!

Liu Bei: Bwahaha! Let me tell you, you fire-suckers- GAAAAAHHHH!

Sun Quan: Hah! You twinky twigs! We will- AAAAAAHHHHHHH!

Jia Xu: WWWHHHOOOOOO! MAN, THIS IS AWESOME!

Xiahou Dun: AAAAAAHHHHHHH!

Cao Cao: Erh, no, no! Not…the flames! **wakes up** Uhh…what the- KYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

The Horn's Ambition caused the Spirit of Benevolence and Fire Tiger to turn upside down and sunk. The Horn's Ambition continued to speed up towards Chengdu.

Jia Xu: Yes! We're gonna make it! We're gonna win!

And in no time, the Horn's Ambition finally crosses the finish line, winning the race…and is still going.

Jia Xu: Wooohooo! We did it! WE DID IT!

Xiahou Dun: Umm…not to ruin the fun or anything…but is this ship going to stop anytime soon?

Jia Xu: What? Oh, right!

To: Zhang Liao

Hey, Zhang Liao! We've won the race! Now you can stop propelling this ship forwards.

Jia Xu

To: Zhang Liao

Umm…Wenyuan? Are you alright? You can stop now.

Jia Xu

To: Zhang Liao

Uhh…the hell are you talking about?! Hey! Snap out of it!

Jia Xu

To: Zhang Liao

Argh! Do you hear me or not?! STOP THIS SHIP AT ONCE! WE'RE GONNA DIE! AAAAAHHHHH!

Jia Xu

…

Tomorrow morning

Jia Xu: Uuuhhh…w….where am…I?

Guo Jia: Hey, you're finally awake!

Jia Xu: Emh...? Oh, it's you. Urgh…

Guo Jia: Man, you and the others were a wreck when we found you crashing at Tianshui. Well, since you were in a ship, I guess it's called a 'shipwreck'! Haha!

Jia Xu: Tch, knock that out! It's not even funny! …by the way, how long was I out?

Guo Jia: Oh, not long. I reckon it's about two weeks.

Jia Xu: Oh, two weeks, right….WHAT?! TWO FULL FRIGGIN' WEEKS?! Shit, I gotta check my mailbox now!

Guo Jia; Here's your laptop.

Jia Xu: Oh? …umm, thanks.

Guo Jia: You're welcome. Hehe, you know what, you're kinda funny when you're out. You were blabbering some things, like-

Jia Xu: Now cut that crap out! I don't want the readers to know my darkest secret! Tch, now I gotta check the letters which might ruin my days even more this time. Sigh…

Yeah, I know that this is more like my traditional Humor/Parody stories rather than your typical 'X Answers Letters' fic, but it's the only way I can get in the humor to work. Well then, I hope you enjoy it! Please lave a review, and good day!


	9. Chapter 9

_After that one freak race that Wei technically won despite the heavy casualties, Jia Xu, again, checked his inbox to see any mails available that could possibly ruin his day…_

* * *

To: Nuwa

Gakh! Ow! Owie! Tch, Fuck! You! Augh! Ouchie! Bitch please, you think that someone like ME could be possibly the product of incest?! Ow! Owowowowowow! You're only my great25 grandmother! So, ow! Get! Out! Of my! Life! Aigh!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Nuwa

Well, knowing him, you only need to be a kinky person who doesn't mind her appearance too much to get him to like you. No, seriously, that's all. Now stop zapping me already!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Nuwa

Thank you! Geez…what's your problem, anyway? I mean, it's only normal that not many people disrespect you, despite the fact that you're an all-powerful almighty goddess who bangs her own brother. Yikes.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Nuwa

Well, NOW you know the true power of the mortals.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Nuwa

Hmm…you know what, I'm kinda confused that you suddenly asked me how to get close to Li Dian, despite the fact that even his own lover Yue Jin fears him.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Nuwa

Oh, no. Of course you won't bang him, seeing that he's, like, your great25 grandson. I see that THAT'S far more disgusting than banging your brother. No, I'm serious.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Nuwa

Well, good fucking luck. But don't complain to me when you suddenly find yourself with insect legs when you wake up in the morning. Hohoho…

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Chosokabe Motochika

How in the hell someone could have possibly recorded that and uploaded it to Youtube?! Oh well, but really, I've only gotten BARELY better after that ship crash and now you expect me to race again?! Nope, I'd say!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Chosokabe Motochika

No, no no no no NO! I'm not taking that chance! If you REALLY want to, wait for like another week, then I MIGHT be able to go race with you. Ugh, now I kinda have this very same trauma regarding ships as with Lord Cao Cao regarding fire. Seriously…

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Chosokabe Motochika

Sigh…okay, you said this is only between US, right?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Chosokabe Motochika

Hm. Fine then, I'll go.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Guo Jia

Hey, Fengxiao. You know what…I'd just like to say that, whenever I was being a jackass to you, I am very sorry, I hope you will forgive me.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Guo Jia

Also, I'm sorry that I often pick on you for being lovers with Xun Yu. It's alright if you wanna turn gay, I don't mind. That means your pervert bloodline won't continue and taint this land.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Guo Jia

Hm, you wanna know? I am challenged into another boat race again.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Guo Jia

Yes, I know. Thank you for praying for my safety, though I know my chance of surviving is very slim. If I didn't survive, I hope you'll take care of my two sons. No, I won't allow you to teach them your wicked ways. I swear I'll kill you from beyond the grave if you EVER do that.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Xun Yu

Hey, so how're you doin'? Umm…here, I just wanna say I'm very sorry for always picking on you for being gay with Guo Jia. But it's alright if you wanna continue that relationship. Really.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Xun Yu

Gee, how do you know? Well, good for you for realizing it immediately. I only ask you for taking care of my two sons if that ever happens. Just don't do your crappy magic whenever they're in the same room as yours.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Xun Yu

Yes, I asked Guo Jia to do the same. I hope that fact won't bug you. Good day.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Sima Yi

Hey, you know what, I'm sorry for always being a prick to you. I hope you'll forgive me.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Sima Yi

No, no! What makes you think of that?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Sima Yi

Tch, goddamn rumors. Oh well, I'll better go. Take care.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Cao Pi

Forgive me for always cursing at you. But that's because I can't stand such requests. I hope you understand.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Yue Jin

I'm sorry for always calling you Li Dian's experimental bunny. I was just telling the truth.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Li Dian

I'm sorry for insulting your mom. And doing a REALLY shitty 'Yo mama' joke that time.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Zhang He

I'm sorry for always insulting you at your gayness.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Cao Cao

I'm sorry for causing that boat race to be a Chibi reenactment.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Dian Wei

I'm sorry for killing you that last time.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Xiahou Dun

I'm sorry for picking at you for only having one eye.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Zhang Liao

I'm sorry for causing you to drink that wine. But hey, we won.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Everyone else in Wei

I'm sorry for any mistakes I ever made to you guys. I am such a jackass that I can't list them one by one here.

Jia Xu

* * *

 _With his heart prepared, he went to the Wei capital Luoyang to meet the white-and-spiky-haired, eyepatched pirate Chosokabe Motochika. He became even more nervous when he remembered from Motochika's email that ALL characters from DW, SW, AND SB are watching their race on Youtube, however the fuck that is._

* * *

Motochika: Hey, there you are!

Jia Xu: Tch. Goddamn pirates…

Motochika: So, I guess this will be where I get to see some brilliant ship-steering skills of yours! If you're lucky, I might even recruit you to my crew! Haha!

Jia Xu: Hell no. What the hell would I want to do with a bunch of twinky twats like you?

Motochika: What?! How dare you to disrespect me?! I'M THE DEMON!

Jia Xu: Pfft. It's the goddamn truth. What else is fitting to describe you and the rest? Literally EVERYONE from your world are a bunch of gay twinks who couldn't even get a single pretty lady despite Capcom whoring the hell out of you. That's what you SB twats really are. And don't even try to fucking deny it.

Motochika: Gakh! How can he discover our secret- Umh, nevermind! Let's begin the race immediately! And, remember- the ENTIRE world is watching.

Jia Xu: More like the THREE entire worlds are watching. Oh well, there's no use arguing with a twinky twat like him.

* * *

 _And so Jia Xu and Motochika got on their respective boats._

* * *

Masamune (SW): **holding a gun** Okay! Today we gather at the grand boat race between the Wei strategist Jia Xu, and-

Masamune (SB): Now, now, what the hell is a kid doing here? I'm the man of this show! Step aside!

Masamune (SW): Wait, wha-?! That's utter bullshit! I'M the man here! I came first, so you have no right here!

Masamune (SB): Blah, blah, blah! Talking is just what a kid can do! Now, **pulls out his six katanas** How about a real fight? We'll see the real man here! Put ya guns on!

Masamune (SW): Tch…bitch, **pulls out two guns** I already have my guns on. **starts shooting**

Masamune (SB): Who! Whup! Oho! Not good enough! Eit! **deflects every bullets**

Motochika: What the, don't turn this place into a shooting arena! You'll riddle my ships with bullets! Aaaahhhh!

Jia Xu: Sigh…. **facepalm**

Tadakatsu (SW): Wha-?! HEY! WHAT ARE YOU TWO DOING?!

Masamune (SW): Wha-?! Oh, no, sir! He started it first!

Masamune (SB): What? Bullshit! He started it first! He acted like he's the man of the show even though he isn't!

Masamune (SW): It was you!

Masamune (SB): You!

Masamune (SW): YOU!

Masamune (SB): YOU!

Tadakatsu (SW): Grah! THAT'S ENOUGH! YOU BETTER APOLOGIZE NOW, OR YOU'LL TASTE MY TONBO-GIRI!

Tadakatsu (SB): **emerges from behind SW!Tadakatsu** …..

Masamune (both of them): Uhhh…errhhh…YES! YES MASTER TADAKATSU! WE'RE VERY SORRY! IT'S OUR FAULT! WE WON'T DO IT AGAIN! **bow, then run away**

Tadakatsu (SB): …..

Tadakatsu (SW): Ha! That'll teach those kids! Really… **turns around** what has the world come to…I hope my girl Ina won't- **bumps into SB!Tadakatsu** Oof! What is this- **looks upwards**

Tadakatsu (SB): …

Tadakatsu (SW): Errhh…ummm… **gulp** I…I'm sorry! I didn't see you! Hehe…

Tadakatsu (SB): ….

Tadakatsu (SW): Um…yeah! I hope that big ol' chest plate of yours won't get rusty….wait, what do you mean it's not a chest plate? Oh well, whatever, have a nice day! **runs away**

Tadakatsu (SB): …. **sweatdrop**

Jia Xu: Okay, I guess the Author was being sidetracked at these SW and SB characters. Like, really, did any of those have ANY sort of relevance toward this fic? It seems more like padding than anything else. Are we going to start the race or not?

 _Yeah, yeah, just hold on! Geez, what's your problem? I'm the goddamn author. I can write anything I want! Just shut the fuck up._

Jia Xu: Pfffttt. Precisely the reason why I'm atheist.

Motochika: Hey, come on! Let's go!

Jia Xu: Yeah, yeah.

* * *

 _And so the two contestants hopped on their respective boats._

* * *

Magoichi (SW): Okay, then! Since my best bud Masamune isn't here, I will be his replacement for this race! Alongside this one pretty lady besides me…

Magoichi (SB): Ew! Now cut that crap out!

Magoichi (SW): Haha! Come on now, there's no need to be so shy! Gee, out of all pretty ladies in the entire world, who knows I get to hit on MYSELF! Haha!

Magoichi (SB): Seriously, you're creeping the hell outta me.

Magoichi (SW): Aw, come on! I was rejected by just about EVERYBODY, and now even MYSELF too! Huff…it's alright! Okay, on to the race!

Magoichi (SB): You said that just now? Pathetic.

Magoichi (SW): Oh, come on! Gimme a break! Okay, we will start the race! 3…2…1…GO! **fires his shotgun**

* * *

 _The moment the shot's fired, the two boats immediately sped up._

* * *

Jia Xu: Okay, now how in the hell shall I operate this thing...tch, there's too many buttons around! Goddamn Japanese…huh, this button is strangely colored bright red and is a lot larger than the rest. Ah, whatever, I'm tired of living anyway! **presses button**

Ship Announcer: Reverse Mode activated. Reverse Mode activated.

Jia Xu: W-wait, Reverse Mode? What?

And so Jia Xu's ship went reverse.

Motochika: Pffttt….AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh my god, HAHAHAHAHAHA! I've heard a lot of stories of Jia Xu being Wei's most brilliant strategist, even moreso than Sima Yi, but damn! I never knew he would actually fall for THAT! AHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAA!

Jia Xu: W-wait, what the fuck?! Akh, I have to do something! Wait, there's this blue button! Maybe I can do this to go forward again! **presses button**

Ship Announcer: Nitro Mode activated. Nitro Mode activated.

Jia Xu: W-what?! AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

* * *

 _And so Jia Xu's ship went fucking apeshit, going nitro to speed everywhere. In reverse._

* * *

Jia Xu; G-GAAAAHHHH! Argh! I….have…to control this thing! Garkh! **holds ship's steer** Okay, okay, calm down, I NEED TO FUCKING CALM DOWN! ...huff, okay, now I really need to check where I am now. **checks the ship GPS** Wait, I'm in Linzi already?! Okay, I don't know whether I have to be happy or fucking frightened about this, but I guess I'll choose the latter! AAAAHHHHHHHH!

Motochika: ….w-wha?! Where did he go?! Shit, he must've chosen both the Reverse AND Nitro mode. This is bad. I have to catch up to him!

Jia Xu: Gaaaahhhh! Okay, okay, let's see what's behind…AAAAHHHH! IT'S THE GIANT BAOZI AGAIN?! **crashes**

Motochika: Oh! There he is! Haha, I truly have to commend myself for the brilliant idea of relocating that giant baozi here to help me win this! Haha!

Jia Xu: Jiaahhh….urgh…okay, I have to REALLY control the situation here. Hmph! **speeds up**

Motochika: Gah! He went away! Urgh, I must NOT lose! I have to retain my title as the Devil of the Seas!

Jia Xu: Huff…really, speeding up at the speed of light while in reverse is really frightening. Okay, now we have to check the map…wait, what the hell is that- OOMPH!

* * *

 _Out of his expectations, suddenly an underwear flied right into Jia Xu's face. He starts to steer the ship in an erratic manner, similar to a fly. He eventually went back on his route, speeding up towards Motochika's ship._

* * *

Motochika: Okay, now if only I could speed right up to his ship- wait, that's his ship! Exactly as I foretold! But wait…is he speeding right towards me?! AAAAHHHH!

Motochika tried to speed away from Jia Xu, unfortunately the two ships finally crashed, but Jia Xu' ship kept on speeding. The two ships continue to speed right until they finally reached their supposed destination, Kochi.

Jia Xu: **removes the underwear** Bah! Seriously, what the hell was that?! It doesn't even smell like an underwear! It smells like a baozi! Wait, is that Motochika's ship right in front of me?! WHAT THE FUCK?!

Motochika: **hanging out from the side of the ship** Glurgghhh….I have to…win…

Jia Xu: Gah! By god, that's nasty! Urgh, wait, that's the finish line! Wait, already?! What the hell has happened?!

* * *

 _And so Jia Xu's (and Motochika's) ship sped through the finish line. Even though Motochika's ship technically passed first, the people agreed to declare Jia Xu the winner through his absolute wreckage of Motochika, and so Jia Xu's name came to be dreaded in the three worlds for being able to beat the Devil of the Seas himself in a boat race. While he too, has the Horn's Ambition fixed and gained Motochika's ship Hyakki Fugaku as a gift, he still dreads the race just like before._

* * *

Okay, I'm sorry this came out VERY late, I have a lot of studying to do. I hope you enjoyed! Good day!

P.S: Oh, as an answer to one Guest reviewer, I like Jia Xu because he's just really cool! He's a badass Wei strategist who NEVER made a mistake in his entire career, provided numerous brilliant strategies OVER Cao Cao and FOR Cao Cao (such as him drifting Han Sui and Ma Chao apart, it was a flawless plan), and all of those stuffs are legit in history, so I would gladly pick him over Zhuge Liang any day.

And his DW incarnation is even cooler! I love his design, I love his weapon and fighting style, his personality and quirks, his friendship with Guo Jia (which never existed in history, though I'd say it might just be Koei providing more yaoi fanfics bait, hehe), I just love EVERYTHING about him. Sorry, I became a bit of a rabid fangirl here :p


	10. Chapter 10

_After those two boat races, Jia Xu came back to his usual daily activities of checking his inbox._

* * *

To: Nuwa

You could blame all those stuff to a certain man named Xun Yu. Well, I'm kinda glad you're happy with him, though. Heh, haven't I already heard that before? Who's her name again? …oh, yes, that sister of other Nobunaga. Okay, now that's strange. I never knew humans could become Mystics. I'd say it would be a good thing if he never learned dark magic. Oh really? You seem to care about Li Dian's son a lot. Um, no! I'm not thinking it THAT way! And why in the hell did you say 'maybe' regarding my son? Oh well, I'd say it would be better if you did NOT take him, I don't want my son to be jackasses like you Mystics. And…are you sure that boy's okay up there? He looks a bit terrified, being taken care by two dragons.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Nuwa

Okay, okay, I'm very sorry. I REALLY shouldn't disrespect an all-powerful, almighty incestuous goddess like you. Praise Nuwa.

Jia Xu _(fried from being zapped by Nuwa)_

* * *

To: Nuwa

Hahaha. I already told you that we mortals are far more powerful than you think. Especially if said mortal is someone like ME…

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Li Dian

I feel it's all because of your dark magic screw-ups. Don't worry, somebody else's taken care of your son to be much, MUCH better than you. And what the hell have you put on this paper?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Li Dian

It's that snake woman who met you the other day, remember? And…oh, right. It's just like what Nuwa told me about.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Li Dian

I already told you, the kid's FAR happier up there than being stuck in this hell-on-earth, even moreso when people like YOU go around and scatter chaos everywhere.

P.S.: Also, do you actually feel comfortable with those 'hands' coming out of you? I heard that the other Oichi, who had them first, always feels 'violated' with them…

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Li Dian

Wait, what…oh. Why am I not surprised?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Li Dian

I see. Well, just be careful to not break down your poor 'thing' from being beaten by those hands.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Cao Cao

About what?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Cao Cao

Omens? What omens?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Cao Cao

Oh. You see, that loud crying voice from the sky is not a bad omen or anything, it's due to those goddamn Mystics taking Li Dian's son up to the heavens up there!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Cao Cao

It all basically started when Nuwa got close with Li Dian yesterday.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Cao Cao

Wait, what?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Cao Cao

Wow. You already got all of those 12 wives/concubines and feel that it's STILL not enough?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Cao Cao

Dude, if you ever do that it'll be basically incest!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Cao Cao

…Xingcai? Wait, what the hell…?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Cao Cao

Wow. I see you truly are fitting to be a supporting cast of Game of Thrones.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Cao Cao

Don't necessarily take that as a compliment.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Akechi Mitsuhide

The hell you're talking about? It wasn't your boyfriend, but an alternate version of your boyfriend.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Akechi Mitsuhide

Seriously, how the hell could you get the two mixed up? One is a punk-rocker style musician, one is a spiky-white haired and eyepatched pirate. There's a MASSIVE difference.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Akechi Mitsuhide

Well, excuse me to give you two a bit more 'private' time.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Gua Jia

Who the hell are you?

Fuck (that's what you call me now, right?)

* * *

To: Gua Jia

Oh my, that's a long wall of swears and curses. You might would be so kind to shorten them a bit.

Fuck

* * *

To: Gua Jia

Okay, first of all, I never knew someone named Gua Jia, only Guo Jia. Well, if you're only an impostor of Guo Jia intending to attack me, you won't be able to impersonate him, at least not to me. So get the fuck out of here. But if you're REALLY Guo Jia with a different email so that people won't know of this, why yes, I know I'm going to hell shortly because of all these shit I typed for the last 10 days (particularly for disrespecting the Mystics). Neither you nor Lord Cao Cao need to tell me. Infact, I doubt that YOU, of all people, would tell me this, but given the sheer amount of shit I've given you I kinda understand why you would get mad at me now.

Fuck

* * *

To: Mouri Motonari

Oh, umm…thanks. I doubt why would you document useless shit like that, but I guess I would like to see how your book turned out.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Nuwa

Geez, what is it?

* * *

Jia Xu

To: Nuwa

What?! He's gone?!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Nuwa

Oh my god.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Nuwa

Oh, right. I don't have a god. But whatever! We need to exert all forces available to find that Mystic kid!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Li Dian

Hey, how are you? Umm…I have bad news.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Li Dian

You're kid's gone.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Li Dian

No, I mean, your kid's been taken to the Heavens to be taken care by the Mystics, and has turned into a Mystic himself, but now he's gone!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Li Dian

I know! Nuwa's asked me to help her find your kid so that he won't go around using his newfound Mystic powers to cause trouble, like you!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Li Dian

You what?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Li Dian

Pfftt. Oh, poor you. It's your fault, anyway. I guess now it will be Yue Jin who dominates over you instead?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Li Dian

Okay, I know you're mad, but please don't taint me with your dark magic by having one of your shadow hands slap across my face.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Li Dian

Anyways, since you're Li Zhen's father, I assume you know where he could've possibly gone to, right?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Li Dian

What the hell do you mean that you don't know?!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Li Dian

Your hands? How?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Li Dian

Uhh…that seems weird…okay, what isn't, anyway? But as long as it'll lead us to your son, it's viable.

Jia Xu

* * *

 _And so Li Dian and Jia Xu went to find Li Zhen, by using Li Dian's shadow hands to track Li Zhen using his DNA._

Li Dian: There! Right there! **points to Cao Pi's house**

Jia Xu: Okay! Now, you little jackass, where are you?! Wait, the house's empty…eh, what is this? A frog? Hmm, he has a kinda familiar hairstyle...w-wait, CAO PI?! IS THAT YOU?!

Cao Pi: Ribbit, ribbit.

Jia Xu: Tch, okay, while that confirms that Li Zhen was DEFINITELY here, but we have to do something about this! Li Dian?!

Li Dian: Hm, my shadow hands direct me towards this room…hey, my son, how are you- Oh, Cao Pi! Have you seen a little boy hanging around here-

Zhenji: What the fuck?! I'm not Cao Pi get out of my room!

Li Dian: Oh, and how you somehow have Zhenji's voice?

Zhenji: Argh! That's the second time I've been called Cao Pi! Get out of my FUCKIN ROOM! **smacks Li Dian with her flute**

Li Dian: Argh! Ow! Yow! Why are you now using your wife's flute? Ow! Ow! Ouwie! Argh!

Jia Xu: Li Dian! Okay, we need to search somewhere else!

* * *

 _And so the two went again to search for Li Zhen, this time the two went to Sima Yi's house._

Jia Xu: Okay! Sima Yi, I'd like to look for a certain little brat- wait, Sima Yi? OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR CLOTHES?!

Sima Yi: Sigh…long story.

Jia Xu: No, it's not! Did any little brat come here and do something?

Sima Yi: Oh, yeah, right. The kid resembles Li Dian. He gave me my wife's big-ass boobs, which is why I have to wear her clothes and she has to wear my clothes.

Jia Xu: Oh my frickin' god. Okay, you have any idea where that kid's gone to?

Sima Yi: He just flied to outside of that window over there, after turning Zhao into a baozi. I have to cage up Shi just to prevent him from eating his own brother.

Jia Xu: Uhh…right. Okay, Li Dian, we have to jump over that window!

Li Dian: You fucking serious?! We'll fall to our deaths!

Jia Xu: Well, just use your shadow hands to help us land safely!

* * *

 _And so Jia Xu and Li Dian jumped out of the window, with Li Dian's shadow hands helping them to land safely. Upon landing, they saw Li Zhen flying around on Sun Wukong's cloud. They chased him, but soon lost him. Li Dian used his shadow hands to track Li Zhen, and they finally arrived on Yue Jin's house._

Jia Xu: Sigh…okay, we arrived at your boyfriend's house. For some reason I have a bad feeling about this.

Li Dian: Hmm…I guess it would make sense if my son would go here, after all he did refer to Yue Jin as "uncle", and they're quite close too.

Jia Xu: Oh? So he's not Li Zhen's mother?

Li Dian: What!? Of course not! I'm bisexual but it's impossible for guys to have babies!

Jia Xu: Haha, just joking! Also…have you made sure Li Zhen won't kill his "uncle" Yue Jin while staying here?

Li Dian: Nah, he's no Cao Cao. Come on!

And so the two barged in Yue Jin's house. Li Dian continued using his shadow hands to track Li Zhen.

Li Dian: Okay, this seems to be the trail! I only need to follow the DNA trail, and… **the shadow hands touched Yue Jin's stomach** eh?

Yue Jin: …L-li Dian? What are you doing?

Li Dian: Oh…errrr….wait, what?!

Yue Jin: Hey, I understand if you want to have sex with me…but at least you would be kind enough to ask my permission first…

Jia Xu: **jawdrop** I knew it…I KNEW IT!

Li Dian: W-what?! NO! NO! THIS ISN'T WHAT YOU THINK IT IS!

Jia Xu: So you have been hiding that secret for so long! You, Yue Jin too! You're a woman all along!

Yue Jin: Eh, what? What is going on here?

Li Dian: Shut up! You're making the situation worse!

Yue Jin: Umm…what do you mean?

Li Dian: Argh!

Li Zhen: Eh, daddy! It's you!

Li Dian: Huh? Li Zhen! It's you! **uses shadow hands to lift Li Zhen**

Li Zhen: Aaahh! Daddy, it's scary if you lift me up like this…

Li Dian: Oh! I'm sorry, but I'm just so glad to find you here! Come, let's go home!

Jia Xu: Uhhh…okay, so what did exactly did Li Zhen do to you?

Yue Jin: Hmm? He just climbed all over me. I don't know.

Jia Xu: Suppose that explains it.

 _And so Li Zhen was returned to Nuwa and the Mystics, whereas Jia Xu and Li Dian returned to their respective places, with the latter in particular waiting for more disasters in his inbox…._

* * *

Okay, so this came out late again. I'm sorry because I have a lot to study. Enjoy the chapter! Good day!

P.S.: That 'frog Cao Pi' bit is taken from San Three Kingdoms comic, panel 121.


	11. Chapter 11

_More inbox-checking ensues!_

* * *

To: Zhang He

Pfftt. Poor you. Oh well, I became tired of telling gay jokes too, so you know what, do you really wanna find a girl?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Zhang He

Hmm. I see. In that case, you have to make yourself a LOT manlier first. I mean, look at you! How do you expect ANY girl to like you if you're more beautiful than they are?!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Zhang He

First, you gotta remove that foundation in your face first. Like, how many layers of them do you use anyway?! I swear it's thicker than Xu Shu's self-issues! And THAT is saying a lot.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Zhang He

You've done it? Good. Now, you have to cut your hair short. Only a sissy has long hair.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Zhao Yun, Jiang Wei, Zhou Yu, Ling Tong, Cao Pi, Xun Yu, Sima Yi, and Zhong Hui

Okay, okay, I'm sorry for calling you sissies. Except for you, Jiang Wei and Zhong Hui. You two are absolute sissies and I won't give back my word.

Jia Xu _(stabbed by spear, two-edged trident, staff, sanjiegun, dual blade, magic wand, horsehair whip and flying swords)_

* * *

To: Zhang He

Sorry I'm late to reply. Gotta handle some salty sissies first. Now, back to the subject. After you've removed your foundation and cut your hair short, now you DEFINITELY need to change your sissy behavior. Most importantly, by needing to stop your constant rambling of 'beautiful'. Like, what the fuck.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Zhang He

Yea, I mean, SERIOUSLY. Do you REALLY expect to gain ANY girl who will seriously like you like that?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Zhang He

After all is said, and hopefully, done, you too need to make your whole body movements manlier. Seriously, every time I see you move, you wanna know that I think?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Zhang He

A drugged worm.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Zhang He

Great. Now, send me your picture so that I can see your difference.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Zhang He

 _attached is a picture of Zhang He with no foundation and short hair_

Hmmm….oh, my. You know what, I think that you're MUCH better this way. Haha, no, I'm not implying anything. We're not going THAT way. Oh well, I'm waiting for the results of all these changes!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Akechi Mitsuhide

Argh! I told you! It was a different Motochika! And no, I have NOT been indulging in Shennong's 'Special Plants'! Only hippies do that!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Akechi Mitsuhide

Well, I don't fucking know! Stop annoying me!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Dian Wei

Aliens? Oh, right. Common phenomenon. But I'm too lazy to get there, couldn't you just ask someone else?

P.S.: Well, didn't we already got them by raiding Ace's place when he introduced us to that horrible abomination of nature called 'yaoi'?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Dian Wei

No, seriously! I think my old age's catching up to me today…I'm not feeling really well…

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Kobayakawa Takakage

Why, thank you sweetie boy. Or girl. I'm not really sure. Hm, knowing that I came to fear the result of this book, but I guess I'll give it a try. How can your father's computer get wrecked anyway?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Kobayakawa Takakage

Mysterious creatures? Wait.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Kobayakawa Takakage

Um, no. Nevermind. Tell your father so that he can get his new computer soon. Good day.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Mouri Motonari

Hm? It's you. Your son told me that your computer's wrecked. You already got the replacement?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Mouri Motonari

Uh, what? I know your writing are infamous for being bad, but not THIS bad. Could you repeat that?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Mouri Motonari

Uhh…you know what, I think you need to see your writing once more. Seriously, not even Zhong Yao, the frickin' inventor of the hanzi/kanji we use now could read that.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Mouri Motonari

Wait…there's something seriously wrong here. You're not Motonari, are you?!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Mouri Motonari?

Gah! I knew it! So you're the aliens Dian Wei talked about! What did you do to Motonari?!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Mouri Motonari?

What! Why did you invade our planet, anyway? This is a sucky place to live in! There's no good you could reap from here! Go away!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Mouri Motonari?

Almighty herbs? What the hell is that?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Mouri Motonari?

So you're traveling from planet to planet to collect these herbs? Gee, that sounds familiar.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Mouri Motonari

What! Come on now, don't raze my house down first! I'll try to search for these 'herbs', 'kay!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Zhuge Liang

Hey, you know what, I never knew I would send a mail to you…but do you have on of the 'almighty herbs'?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Zhuge Liang

Yeah, suddenly aliens come down on Wei, and now a bunch of them are threatening to raze down my house if I don't give them the 'almighty herbs' they want.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Zhuge Liang

Well, looking at you, I think you're the kind of guy who smokes those kinds of things.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Zhuge Liang

Wait, what the hell do you mean? Hey!

Jia Xu

* * *

 _Suddenly, Jia Xu felt something strange. He felt like he just caught diabetes, although for his age it isn't actually that uncommon. He turned around and was extremely shocked to find Care Bears inside his room, alongside ponies, rainbows, candies and a sickening children's song._

Jia Xu: AAAAAHHHH! These things are sooo nasty!

Care Bears: Lalalala~ happy, happy, love and joy! Come and join us in eternal HAPPINESS, Jia Xu!

Jia Xu: AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!

* * *

 _Jia Xu ran away from his home, and UFOs blasted him on his way. He then came upon Xun Yu's house, and while he knows that Xun Yu would be the last person he would ever go to whenever he's in trouble, Jia Xu knows that now he simply has no choice._

Jia Xu: Argh! Xun Yu, Xun Yu! Open the fucking door! Help! AAAAHHH! They're coming!

Xun Yu: Say the password first.

Jia Xu: Password? Argh, to hell with that! I'm being chased around by these horrible things. They're…giving me diabetes!

Xun Yu: Hmm… **opens door** Very well then. Now I know that you're really Jia Xu. Come in.

Jia Xu: Eh? Umm…okay. NOW! CLOSE THE DOOR!

Xun Yu: Umm…okay, okay! Geez, what's your problem?

Jia Xu: It's those Care Bears! They're gonna kill me!

Xun Yu: Uhh…I frankly do not know what do you mean.

Jia Xu: Argh, okay, there's no need to explain. Now that I'm away from them, I'm safe! Oh, and you mind if I stay here for a while?

Xun Yu: Sure thing.

* * *

 _Jia Xu sat down on a couch and went back to mail Zhuge Liang._

To: Zhuge Liang

Hey, why in the hell did you do that to me?!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Zhuge Liang

It's those bears! You have NO idea of how dangerous they are! They're more dangerous than Lu Bu!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Zhuge Liang

Sigh…you know what, just give me those herbs and all of this will be over!

Jia Xu

* * *

 _Suddenly, Xun Yu called him._

Xun Yu: Hey, Jia Xu! Could you c'mere for a sec?

Jia Xu: Eh? Umm…sure!

Xun Yu: Good! Now then…do you think I look perfect with this?

Jia Xu: Uh? Wait…that's a woman clothes.

Xun Yu: Exactly.

Jia Xu: Uhhh…no.

Xun Yu: No…GRRRAAAAWWWRRRGGGHHH! **transforms into a tentacle monster**

Jia Xu: WHAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!

Xun Yu: YOUUUU! YOU SHALLL DDDDDIIIIIEEEEEEE! **devours Jia Xu**

Jia Xu: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!

* * *

 _Suddenly, Jia Xu was transported to the time when Xun Yu asked him._

Jia Xu: AAAAAHHHHH!...huh?! Wait, what?! Where am I?

Xun Yu: Umm…why are you screaming?

Jia Xu: AAAHHHH! Oh, um, uh, Xun Yu! It's alright, really, hehe.

Xun Yu: Huh…that be so. So, do you think I look perfect with this?

Jia Xu: (Shit! He asked that again!) Umm…yes! Yes, you look perfect!

Xun Yu: Oh, really? Well then, **rips open his skin to reveal Wang Yi** Turns out you're my ideal choice, after all!

Jia Xu: GYAAAHHH! What. The. HELL?!

Wang Yi: Oh my, I heard the story when you managed to drift Ma Chao and his uncle apart! I know that you're my perfect companion for my vengeance! And for that purpose, **rips her clothes** I shall be the one to bear our perfect Ma Chao-slayer child!

Jia Xu: Gakh! No, no! What the fuck do you mean?! Ahh! **pinned to the wall by the trishulas**

Wang Yi: Come on now, don't be so shy. I know you also got something against Ma Chao, just like me. We will slay him and feast upon his head together!

Jia Xu: Gakh! No, no! Somebody help me! AAAHHHHH!

* * *

 _And just like when he chose 'no' to answer Xun Yu, Jia Xu got transported again to the time before he chose either answer._

Jia Xu: Ah! Urhh…seriously, what the hell is going on?!

Xun Yu: Umm…you alright?

Jia Xu: No! I'm not alright! Something is wrong! …eh, Xun Yu?

Xun Yu: Uhhh…okay the, I suppose you're alright.

Jia Xu: Haha, well, of course I am! What is it?

Xun Yu: Do you think I look perfect with this?

Jia Xu: (Shit! Now, either answer will get me fucked! Is there some way I can get out of this….) Okay, you know what Xun Yu, I'm a bit thirsty, I'll go get a drink!

* * *

 _In reality, Jia Xu immediately ran away from Xun Yu and went to an adjacent house, which is the house of Xiahou Dun._

Jia Xu: Xiahou Dun! Xiahou Dun! Leeett meee inn!

Xiahou Dun: Alright, alright! Sheez, what's your deal?

Jia Xu: Argh, no matter. Today I feel like I'm on a drug trip!

Xiahou Dun: Drug trip? Like what?

Jia Xu: Well, Xun Yu asked me whether he looks perfect in his woman's dress or not. If I choose no, he transforms into a tentacle monster and eats me. If I choose yes, he transforms into Wang Yi and attempts to rape me.

Xiahou Dun: That's weird.

Jia Xu: You don't say. Argh, just let me in, okay? I want to just arrange my mind together to grasp what the fuck is happening here.

* * *

 _Jia Xu sat on a couch and once AGAIN mailed Zhuge Liang._

To: Zhuge Liang

Okay, this is the third fucking time I asked you. Where. ARE THOSE. HERBS?!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Zhuge Liang

…eh? Only NOW you sent it to me? …eh, it's actually not that weird. Anyway, thanks for sending it, but because you refused twice I'm gonna shove my scythe up your fucking ass twice as well.

Jia Xu

* * *

 _And so Jia Xu attempted to bring the 'almighty herbs' to the aliens._

Jia Xu: Okay, I got what I want, thank you for letting me stay.

Xiahou Dun: Okay. Hey, you forgot something.

Jia Xu: Um? What?

Xiahou Dun: Here, I'd like you to have this baozi as a parting gift.

Jia Xu: Parting gift? That's unusual, considering that you hate my fucking guts. And the baozi looks just like your typical baozi.

Xiahou Dun: Hey, don't get it wrong! THIS baozi was made from the silky smoothest-textured flour, and from a perfect cow raised right from the Xiliang farm! It's limited edition!

Jia Xu: Oh, wow. Hmm…I'm kinda suspicious as to why would you give this 'perfect baozi' to none other but ME, but I suppose I can't do anything other than to say thank you. **tries to pick baozi, but the baozi is stuck to Xiahou Dun's hand** Ergh…damn, did you glue this fucking thing or something?

Xiahou Dun: What? No! I didn't! Just take it!

Jia Xu: I…already…tried…ergh!

Xiahou Dun: Come one now! This is the ONE fucking time I am being nice to you and now you disrespect me?

Jia Xu: Um, no! I seriously can't take that perfect baozi off your hand! It just sticks like that!

Xiahou Dun: Oh…fine then. **shadows rising from behind**

Jia Xu: Uhh…

Xiahou Dun: If you won't accept this token of gratitude, I suppose I will give you another one…by sending you STRAIGHT TO HEAVEN!

* * *

 _Suddenly, Xiahou Dun's eyepatch come off and from his empty eyesocket pulsating tentacles and disgusting, colorful meat come out, transforming Xiahou Dun into a hippy version of a flesh monster._

Jia Xu: What the HELL?!

Xiahou Dun: GRRRAAAARRRGGGHHHH! **throws tentacle to Jia Xu**

Jia Xu: Gaaahhhh! **evades** SHIT! That was close!

* * *

 _Jia Xu ran away from the monster Xiahou Dun and to his own house, where the aliens are waiting._

Jia Xu: Here! I got you the fucking herbs you asked for! Now go away!

Aliens: Hmm…impressive, Jia Xu…but we forgot one thing…

Jia Xu: What? **gets pinned into the wall by the aliens** AAAHHH!

Alien Chief: Hmm…yes…so it's true….

Jia Xu: Wha, what is this?! Let me go! Argh!

Alien Subordinates: Is this the time we tell him?

Alien Chief: It is. **walks up towards Jia Xu** Jia Xu, I know you may not believe this, but this is the time we tell you the truth.

Jia Xu: The truth about what?! That you're my father and shit?!

Alien Chief: Errr…yes. Dammit, that ruins the dramatic effect!

Jia Xu and Aliens: **sweatdrop**

Alien Chief: Ahem. Yes, the truth is, indeed, **zips up bodysuit** I am your father, Jia Xu.

Jia Xu: …what?! NO! THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE! My father died 10 years ago!

Jia Xu's Father: Ohohoho, and yet here I am, right before you. You remember the letter I sent you to come home?

Jia Xu: Errr….yes?

Jia Xu's Father: Even though you thought that I'm dead, the truth is, I'm waiting for you to come home to our planet, your true hometown. But you never came. And so we came and invaded Earth in order to find my son, whom I miss very much, as well as to collect these 'almighty herbs'.

Jia Xu: Uhhh…yeah, speaking of which, what the hell do you use those 'almighty herbs' for, anyway?

Jia Xu's Father: What do you think? We smoke them, of course! Life's too shitty for us in that planet, and we have to find some way to relieve our stress.

Jia Xu: Just what I thought.

Jia Xu's Father: Yeah. Well! Anyway, I have finally found you, my son. We've been separated for 50 years, and I miss you so much. Now since you're here, we can finally conduct the ritual!

Jia Xu: Ritual?! What ritual?!

Jia Xu's Father: Ohoho, the ritual to make you one of us, of course! You can't just blend among us with that shitty human form!

Jia Xu: Well, you use a human form like that, anyway.

Jia Xu's Father: Yeah, well, it's reversible. After this ritual, you too can switch between alien and human forms at ease! Now! Commence the ritual!

Alien Subordinates: Right away, boss. **prepares a drill** LET US WELCOME OUR PRINCE!

Jia Xu: AAAAAHHHH! No, NOOOO! I would rather put up with Xun Yu and Li Dian's foul magic, I would rather put up with the Mystics' jackassery, I would rather put up with Guo Jia's pervert behavior! **cries** I apologize to you guys for being such a dick with all of your shenanigans, but I would prefer to be with you than to be with these freaky aliens claiming to be my family! I want to be with you! I…I…I LOVE YOU!

* * *

 _Miraculously, Jia Xu suddenly woke up in his room at the morning, having fallen asleep after the talk with Zhang He. He looked around in his room, and there are no aliens or bears around._

Jia Xu: Whoa…it's just a dream. It's just a dream! IT'S JUST A DREAM! HAHAHAHAHAAAA!

* * *

 _He immediately began to mail his friends._

To: Guo Jia

Hey, Fengxiao! It's a beautiful morning, isn't it? Have a good day!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Guo Jia

Eh? No particular reason, I'm just feeling happy today, haha!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Xun Yu

Hi Wenruo! I hope you'll have a nice day!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Xun Yu

Come on now, I'm not on drugs or anything! I'm just feeling bright today!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Li Dian

Hey, how're you doin' Mancheng? Hope you're fine!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Li Dian

Well, just in case, I'm not drugged or anything! Just your imagination!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Nuwa

Good morning, the entire Mystic army! May the Heavens bless you!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Nuwa

Haha, you don't need a particular reason to be happy, after all!

Jia Xu

* * *

 _After he finished sending these mails, Jia Xu looked out of the window, and reflected while he may have to put up with these mishaps of Wei for his entire life, he realized…that he might actually have a reason to be happy with it. He looked around his room, and noticed a small plastic bag containing light-colored tealeaves. It's got a note:_

 _"Dear Jia Xu,_

 _Just last night Nuwa told me to give this 'special plants' to you. She said you've always wanted to try it. Well, I'm not preventing you or anything, I'm just warning you to not try it in an excessive amount, or you may get some pretty hardcore drug trips. Take care._

 _Signed Shennong"_

* * *

Okay, so that's the kinda long-ass chapter 11. You might even want to think of it as a 'special' chapter. Hope you enjoy it! Good day!

Oh, and to one Guest reviewer who critiques my work, let me answer one thing at a time:

1\. I'm a yaoi fangirl. That is, I support a lot of DW yaoi ships, and indeed, I like incorporating a lot of gay jokes to my work. And to be honest, I kinda start to ignore other kinds of jokes as well. So when you told me this I realized it's time to put off the gay jokes for a while.

2\. Well, to be honest the whole point of these 'X Answers Letters' fics is to answer the letters sent by the readers, either through review or PM. And since I only receive letters about characters that are used over and over I really don't have a choice, unless other readers start to send letter from other characters as well. I might try to incorporate different characters sometime later though.

3\. Well, I'm only new here and isn't even really that good of a comedian. I even usually read the other letters segments to get some good ideas, but beyond that I tend to be kinda repetitive with my jokes.

Needless to say, thank you for your advice. I will definitely try to improve myself for the upcoming chapters.


	12. Chapter 12

_After that crazy-ass drug trip, Jia Xu went back to check his inbox the next day._

* * *

To: Guo Jia

Oh, yeah. I apologize. I only assumed that you and Xun Yu are lovers because I was on drugs. No, honestly.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Guo Jia

Shennong's "special plants". I heard that Zhuge Liang, Pang Tong and Xu Shu smoke them, too.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Guo Jia

Why? I don't fucking know. I assumed it was because I was too fucking stressed by these nonsensical emails that only seek to ruin my day. And Nuwa told Shennong to send it to me.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Guo Jia

I don't remember. Why?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Guo Jia

What?! You smoke them too?!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Guo Jia

You KNOW it's bad for your health! Like really, you don't KNOW the kind of nightmares I got when I'm on that thing!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Guo Jia

Wow, so your dream comes true, eh? Wait, it's still a dream. Nevermind.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Guo Jia

Hm. Good for you, then. Though considering you were on literal drugs back then, the authenticity of your clam is debatable. Nevermind, if you really aren't lovers with Xun Yu, it's a good fucking thing. No, I'm serious.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Irate Zhang He Fangirl

Hey, this is a real world. Do you really, REALLY expect girls to like a guy like that if he is in real world? NO! Absolutely fucking NO! Except for you, of course, but then again why in the hell don't YOU just be his girlfriend, then?

Jia Xu (why yes, I AM an ass.)

* * *

To: Irate Zhang He Fangirl

Wait, so YOU are his girlfriend now? Weird, he didn't tell me.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Irate Zhang He Fangirl

Well. He's not single now, so my problem is over. Now do whatever the fuck you want with him, you want to turn him into a sissy again, I don't fucking care. Now go away.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Irate Zhang He Fangirl

Yeah, yeah, go on, curse me like that and fill my inbox with spams. I am going to die anyway, so why in the hell do you crazy fangirls even care? A good fucking thing I don't have fangirls-

 _Hey, what about me?!_

W-wha?!

 _Why do you forget about me, Great Master Jia Xu?! I'm here for you all the time! I gladly prefer you to any other characters! I will stand for you against any other who mocks you! I love you! So don't forget about me!_

Tch! …well, okay, except for that last one. But since she's the author I can't do jack shit about it. It's only with her I can even have a letters segment at the first place, though I don't know whether I have to be grateful or sad about it. Anyway, fuck you and any other crazy, senseless fangirls (and sometimes fanboys) to hell.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: The Queen Bitch

Hmm…didn't I already hear about you before? Oh, and right, I'm easily the most useless out of them all. I didn't die young, I didn't rebel against my lord only to fail fulfilling my ambition, I didn't die for the Han, and I'm not a pretty boy. I also tried to prevent Chibi by telling my lord to not go, but I failed. Yeah, I'm easily the worst strategist, alright-

 _You're clearly not, Great Master Jia Xu! You're the best!_

Sigh…author, I really appreciate the fact that you stood up for me…BUT WILL YOU JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE CHAPTER?! (And plus, that's sarcasm!)

 _…sorry._

Thank you! Geez, I don't ask for any fangirls to begin with, but when I DO why in the name of Supreme Ancestor Liu Bang's honest ass must it be this one?! She's crazy! And the worst part…she's the author. Oh, I'm going to die.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: The Queen Bitch

Ah, yes. You, too, sent a hate mail towards the son of the God of War, Guan Ping, right? Geez, make up your fucking mind!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: The Queen Bitch

Yeah, first of all you sent a hate mail towards a Shu person but now you sent a hate mail towards a Wei person! Geez, just choose ONE side to hate on, okay?!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: The Queen Bitch

Ah, but then again, what must I expect from a person with a name like that? I assume you just go around sending hate mails to pretty much EVERYONE without any rhyme or reason other than the fact that you can. Yep, one more reason why I'm the worst strategist in Wei-

 _You're not, Master Jia Xu-_

I ALREADY TOLD YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP!

 _…I was defending you because you're one of the less popular characters, and when you DO get a fan, this is the reaction you gave to me? **cries in a corner** (But whatever, I still love you!)_

Sigh…look, I won't be a jackass to you UNLESS if you just shut the hell up throughout this entire chapter, okay! Don't break the 4th wall too much lest the readers will have a willing suspension of disbelief!

 _Umm…okay, but this fic is already unrealistic to begin with._

Argh, whatever, just don't disturb me! This whole thing is slowly giving me cancer, and having a crazy-ass fangirl who is literally in control of the whole thing just makes it worse!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Gracia

No.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Gracia

I said, no! Go play with someone else!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Gracia

Takakage? Oh, that little ba- wait, I can't say that in front of innocent children like you.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Gracia

Well look, I'm not discriminating between you and Takakage, okay. It's because his father is my friend whereas your father is an a- butthead, and I don't like him.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Gracia

You like me simply because my voice is like your daddy's? How can that even work?!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Gracia

Hmm. I have a bad feeling about this…

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Gracia

Nevermind, nevermind. Anyways, I'm sorry, but I can't play with you! I'm too old to keep up with swift children like you!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Gracia

What?! I'm not a ninja! Why do you think so?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Gracia

Look, I'm Chinese. There's no such thing as Chinese ninja. It's simply nonsense on Koei's part in an attempt to make me look cooler, okay!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Gracia

Oh, fu- effin' great. I have one more annoying girl thinking that old guys like me are cool. Whatever. I gave up.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Gracia

Yeah, yeah, thank you very much. You and the other (author) are really the hopes of this generation. I'm proud of you.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Gracia

As long as it doesn't involve me getting my butt kicked by mysterious creatures, I'm fine. What is it?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Gracia

 **attached is a pdf of "Heather Has Two Mommies"**

Uh...wait, this book? What's with it?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Gracia

Your daddy reads you THIS as bedtime story every time you go to sleep?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Gracia

And you LOVE it?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Gracia

Wow. And now you ask me to read it to you?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Gracia

Sigh…guess I have no choice. Oh well.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Gracia

 **attached is a sound file of Jia Xu reading the whole book**

There. Now don't disturb me again! Kids this generation are so…up-to-date. Yeah.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Gracia

Okay, okay. Enough with the hearts. They're giving me too much cholesterol.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Gracia

What?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Gracia

Eh...umm...well, you see, it's located on the lower part of a males' body, and that it's...err...okay, you know what, maybe you should just ask Guo Jia about this. He has much more knowledge about it than I do.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Li Yingqi

Who the hell are you?! No, no, wait, I know WHO you are, but I don't know WHY and HOW you came into existence!

P.S.: Chocolate cake? Hmm…I remember Zhang Liao baking it the other day, along with other sorts of baking goods. But I don't like all of those diabetic shit. Anyway, you can ask him.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Li Yingqi

So you're just a figment of someone else's imagination? Hmm…interesting.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Li Yingqi

No, nevermind. Anyway, first of all, I don't remember you being in Dong Zhuo's army! That one day I trained his entire army and checked the audience list, I didn't see your name! AT ALL! And second, why in the HONEST HELL would I be a sort of a guardian for your brother?! I don't give a single crap about him! You could just ask, I don't know, Yue Jin! He's with your brother literally the entire fucking time!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Li Yingqi

Argh, okay, okay, I should understand that as you're only a figment of someone else's imagination that's never involved with Koei in any sort of way, I, as a canon character, shouldn't remember you. Alright. And even then, I wasn't the one who told him to study voodoo and black magic at the first place! It was Xun Yu! So stop acting like I'm his closest shady confidant!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Zhong Hui

What the hell? That doesn't make any fucking sense! And worshipping you? Gimme a fucking break. Even the Mystics themselves would join Orochi and his legions of hell because they don't want to be classified under the same group as YOU, and even then Orochi himself would cringe at the fact that YOU represent the force of good he must face.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Zhong Hui

Like, really, unless if you can create a new character for the words "I'm a fucking jackass and everyone who sees me must shove a jackhammer up my ass" so that it won't be so fucking long, write in on paper, and slap it on your butt because you're the hanzi's creator's son I won't worship you.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Zhong Hui

Oh, puhleeeaaze, do you really think everyone's taking you seriously? Hell no. Now, let me tell you one, just ONE blunt truth that will (hopefully) make your fucking eyes open: you're not awesome. There. Live with it.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Zhong Hui

"The chosen one"? Pffttt. Really, the only thing that could work with that bullshit is that you're the chosen one of being an ultimate loser.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Zhong Hui

Hahaha. Why yes, I'm a loser too…does that fact bother you? Infact, we're both losers, but unlike you I openly confess it.

 _….._

…..

 _..._

…..hey.

 _…..what?_

You're not saying anything?

 _I'm not saying anything!_

Why?

 _Because you told me not to! You forgot?_

Oh, right. Good for you, then.

 _Huff…seriously, why am I always wrong in your eyes? I stood up for you, I'm wrong. I did NOT stand up for you, and I'm ALSO wrong! You're so mean! **cries in a corner**_

What? Oh, come on! I didn't mean that! I'm grateful that you kept silent! Please don't cry!

 _Really? Yippee!_

Sigh…okay, okay, anyway, you're a loser. End of story.

Jia Xu

* * *

 _After finishing answering letters Jia Xu was slightly thankful that today didn't actually go as weird and as disastrous as any other previous days. Though that doesn't guarantee the UPCOMING days…_

* * *

Okay, I hope you enjoyed it! Good day!


	13. Chapter 13

_After that (strangely) peaceful day, Jia Xu checked his inbox this morning once again._

* * *

To: The Queen Bitch

Oh, wow. Why in the hell are you sending hate mails to everyone in Shu and Wei anyway? Like you don't have anything better to do. So fuck you. You can't intimidate me, because I'm already a loser.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Sun Shangxiang

I believe calling her 'headstrong' is one hell of an understatement. By the way, why did you end up marrying Ling Tong? I thought that…?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Sun Shangxiang

Oh, whoawhoawhoawhoa. Damn, I believe this should be the headlines for "The Han Dynasty Times", don't you think?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Sun Shangxiang

No, I won't tell everyone. Well, at least not DELIBERATELY. I can't promise anything.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Sun Quan

Hm, what?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Sun Quan

Eh? I don't know. Why did you immediately ask ME, by the way?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Sun Quan

Jumping out of the window? Man, that's hardcore. And then?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Sun Quan

Oh, right. Hmm…I actually don't know how to say this to you, but…

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Sun Quan

Here, do you remember any shady activities your sister had with one of your generals? You know, the one who always butt-heads with a certain pirate.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Sun Quan

Just friends, eh? I'm afraid it has grown worse than that.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Liu Bei

Hm, what is it?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Liu Bei

Hate mail? From who?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Liu Bei

Oh. Umm, okay…so what?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Liu Bei

Err…here, I reckon it might be hard for you to believe, but…you may want to keep an eye on your wife.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Liu Bei

What? Oh, pfffttt. You're such a pussy. I mean, you can hack your way through waves and waves of cannon fodder generics but is afraid on a sight of your wife holding her weapons? Oh, man. I can't tell you how hard I'm laughing right now.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Liu Bei

Well, use something else? Like, a spy drone!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Liu Bei

I'd say Yueying could make it for you. Anyways, you can ask your brother-in-law Sun Quan to ask what's going on. Oh, and also your nephew Guan Ping, he too suffered this same problem.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Jia Chong Fangirl

No, I'm not.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Jia Chong Fangirl

Well, just that we have the same surname doesn't mean we're related!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Jia Chong Fangirl

And besides, you just look at HIM and then ME. If you can spot the difference, then congratulations, you have reached the most basic level of intellect.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Jia Chong Fangirl

Okay, okay, now that I've already answered your question, could you just please gush about Jia Chong somewhere else? Please don't fill my inbox with spams.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Jia Chong Fangirl

Sigh…look, you don't need to tell me about how great he is, okay. I'm already dead when he's only 7! Go away!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Jia Chong Fangirl

Argh! I told you! STOP! IT! Besides, there's nothing great about that psycho vampire!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Jia Chong

Hey, you psycho vampire. C'mere.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Jia Chong

Go and do something about that fucking crazy-ass fangirl of yours!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Jia Chong

She's filling my inbox with spams telling about how great you are, how sexy you are, how sadistic and vampire-ish you are, blah blah blah, I don't need all that fangirl shit!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Jia Chong

What the hell do you mean?! Hell no, I'm not jealous! I don't need any fucking fangirls! They're all insane!

 _I-insane?! Waaahhh! You're so mean! **cries in a corner**_

Argh! Um, except you! Yeah, except you, that's what I mean! As long as you don't become an annoying asshole, by the way.

 _Oh, really! Yay! I love you, Great Master Jia Xu!_

Okay, okay! Well, okay, I only have one fangirl here, along with that daughter of Mitsuhide, and thankfully they're not as insane as your typical fangirl. But as you can see, I didn't ASK for them! And besides, one of them is the author anyway, so I can't do anything about it.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Jia Chong

Well, anyway, do something about this fangirl of yours! Like, suck her blood and make her a psycho-vampire like you, marry her, or just plain kill her! I can't stand her!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Jia Chong

Oh, so you're tired of them too?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Jia Chong

That, and the fact that you can. Why am I not surprised?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Jia Chong

Ah, yes, yes, I sorta agree. Why in the hell would they do that? I mean, we're MARRIED! Oops, not to each other, I mean.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Jia Chong

Oh, right. Poor you. Good thing I don't have a yandere for a wife AND daughter. Hahahahahaha.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Jia Chong

Okay, okay, I apologize. Anyways, do your job quickly!

Jia Xu _(impaled by Jia Chong's axes)_

* * *

To: Jia Chong

Umm…okay, I'll reward you with a month's worth of blood-drinking! How about that?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Jia Chong

Okay, good.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Guo Jia

Hey, you remember that time you raided Wang Yuanji and Zhang Chunhua's house?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Guo Jia

Okay, just wanna ask, are you still keeping the…'spoils'?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Guo Jia

Eh, what? Um, okay, thanks.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Guo Jia

Okay, okay, I know. And no! I won't sniff it, that's a whole unspeakable level of gross!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Zuo Ci

Hey, you, the Mystic. May I ask you for something?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Zuo Ci

Okay, here. You remember the time you asked Guo Jia for tampons gained by raiding Wang Yuanji and Zhang Chunhua's houses for whatever black magic you're doing?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Zuo Ci

Great. Here, could I ask for some of them? No, I won't sniff it.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Zuo Ci

Ritual? For what?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Zuo Ci

Err…okay…when can I get some of it?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Zuo Ci

TWO HOURS?! YOU SERIOUS?!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Zuo Ci

Err…okay…thanks a lot.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Jia Chong

Hey, where are you right now?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Jia Chong

What?! You're in her house already?! Argh, stop it! Don't kill her first!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Jia Chong

Okay, okay, I'll explain later! Get out from there first!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Jia Chong

She spotted you?! Argh, this is bad! Run! Hurry!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Jia Chong

Wait, what?!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Jia Chong

Hey, hey! Answer me! Please! Don't suck my blood first! Hey!

Jia Xu

* * *

 _To Jia Xu's horror, Jia Chong didn't answer his last email for a long time. While horrified at what he's done, suddenly a rain of baozi came down upon the entire Wei, Shu, Wu, Jin, and Other residences. He immediately took cover under his desk, when a new mail came._

* * *

To: Sun Jian

Pfftt, poor you. Though honestly, I'm also scared shitless! AAAAAHHHH!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Sima Yi

Hey, Sima Yi, you alright right there?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Sima YI

Yes, I'm talking about the baozi rain. Sun Jian already told you about that one, didn't he?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Sima Yi

Ah, good. I am just asking about your son's condition…hope it isn't too late to prevent his bones from being crushed by those things…

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Sima Yi

What?!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Sima Zhao

Hey, the second son of Sima Yi. So, how about your brother's condition?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Sima Zhao

Fuck, man. THAT'S gotta hurt. Though really, I'd say that's a TRULY stupid move. Then again, I don't expect any less than SIMA SHI…

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Cao Cao

Geez, what is it, my lord?! We're in the middle of a baozi disaster right here! I can't come out!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Cao Cao

Why me?! Ask the others! Sima Yi, Guo Jia, or Xun Yu! They're more knowledgeable in this department than I am!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Cao Cao

Sigh…fine! I'd say that we must built a sort of a super-mega-giant frying pan to hold out the baozis! There! Anything else?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Cao Cao

…wait, you serious?!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Cao Cao

…fuck. I was only joking. But whatever, as long as it'll stop this mad travesty!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Cao Cao

Wait, why in the hell should I clean up the mess?!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Cao Cao

Well, fuck that DLC costume! It put an eternal stain upon my reputation! No! Do NOT bring up that costume again!

 _Yeah! I agree, that costume sucks ASS! Fuck Koei for disrespecting the Great Master Jia Xu! Which is why I swear I won't buy that costume pack! If the Great Master Jia Xu can't get a respectful costume, then no one can!_

…ummm, okay, you know what, I usually get mad at you for suddenly interrupting my mails in order to stand up for me, but now I'm actually grateful. Thanks.

 _ **GASP!** REAAAAALLLLYYYY?! YAAAAAAYYYYY! I LOVE YOUUUUUUUUUUUU!_

…I would still wreck your ass if you won't stop that crazy fangirl bullshit, though.

 _Whoops. Sorry._

Good. Anyways, go pick someone else!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Cao Cao

Aaaaahhhh! NO! ANYTHING BUT THAT!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Cao Cao

…fine. Sigh…why is my life so miserable?

Jia Xu

* * *

 _And so, after two hours, the super-mega-giant frying pan was finished and was put above the entire China to block the giant baozi rain. Soon after, the baozis stopped raining. The entire China cheered for Jia Xu for saving them, and Emperor Xian honored him by giving him the title of "China's Greatest Hero". Despite this, he still has to clean up the mess left by the disaster. Cao Cao also kept the boulder-baozis so that he may use it as weapons against Shu and Wu someday. After that, he went back to ask Zuo Ci._

* * *

To: Zuo Ci

Hey, you, it's been two hours. Where are the tampons?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Zuo Ci

Oh, great. Thank you. But wait a minute…

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Zuo Ci

You…YOU'RE THE ONE WHO RAINED DOWN THE BAOZIS, AREN'T YOU?!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Zuo Ci

Y-YOU FUCKER! WHY THE FUCK DID YOU DO THAT?!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Zuo Ci

…you son of a bitch. Remind me to shove my sickle up your ass one day.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Jia Chong

H-hey, Jia Chong…you alright?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Jia Chong

Oh, you've killed her? Great!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Jia Chong

What? …um, I'm sorry, okay! Here, I've got your reward here! No hard feelings, okay?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Jia Chong

Um? What's wrong? I thought you like it if it's served like champagne. A vampire must retain his class, after all! Haha! Wait, damn, I never thought I actually PRAISED you. Meh, whatever.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Jia Chong

Y-you loved it? Great! Okay then, thank you for your service! (hope he just doesn't discover what it actually is…)

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Wang Yi

Jeez, what's your problem? Anyways, onto my answer:

1\. Flame Sword

2\. Twin Fans

3\. Crossbow

4\. Dagger-axe

5\. Rapier

6\. Sabatons

7\. Drill Lance

8\. Stele

Okay, that's my advice. I don't know why you asked ME, though. Oh well. What about you? You're satisfied with your new weapon?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Wang Yi

Hm, good for you, then.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Li Yingqi

You again?! Sigh…anyway, your brother's already forgiven him, so why can't you?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Li Yingqi

Well, I'd say it's your fault for serving Lu Bu at the first place.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Li Yingqi

Anyways, if you don't want to go to Zhang Liao, to Xu Zhu then! Or Huang Gai! Just…not Zhang Chunhua. Dear lord.

Jia Xu

* * *

 _After that, Jia Xu closed his laptop, while contemplating about how far he's really going to go on with this thing, considering it will always bring new disasters to him every day. Nevertheless, he decided that he will only finish when the time's right._

* * *

Okay, please leave reviews! Good day! Oh, and I also need to remind you that we've already reached (more than) half of the length I planned! It's only because of you guys that I've reached this far! Thank you so much!


	14. Chapter 14

_Waking up in the morning, checking his inbox, only to get more disasters. Our favorite strategist's daily activities, folks._

* * *

To: Xun Yu

No. I'm certainly not going to involve another character who's just as important as me in this shit. I'm WAY too tired at this already, but what can I do?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Li Yingqi

Okay, first thing's first, let me explain with full details regarding those three objections:

1\. Well, I'm saying it's your fault for serving under Lu Bu at the first place, because that'll mean you KNOW your uncle is going to oppose your boss sooner or later because of that rotten pig!

2\. In that case, then it's YOUR UNCLE's fault.

3\. Then good for you!

But then again, if you've already forgiven him, then good for you. Oh, and by the way, I'm not going to visit you anytime soon, or later. You're not even real, and I'm TIRED of having to deal with that freaky voodoo boy ever again!

P.S.: Not poisoned (though I'd say it could be a possibility…), but her food is just FUCKING AWFUL. Seriously, do NOT try them.

P.P.S.: For the last goddamn-motherfucking TIME! I am NOT (and was NOT)! A YELLOW TURBAN! MINE IS BLUE!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Sun Quan

Oh. Okay, you're welcome. And…what's the purpose of sending that tiger here?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Sun Quan

What? What's my fault? I'm simply doing what's right.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Sun Quan

Well, I'm from Wei. True, I'm not ACTIVELY straining your relationship with Shu, but if it did then it would benefit Wei. Plus, having an affair is a great crime. Especially if it doesn't make any fucking sense whatsoever. I'm simply doing my job. Especially since I have a knack for drifting people apart from each other. I'm not in any fault here! So send that tiger away!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Sun Quan

What an idiot.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Sun Quan

Why in the hell would I keep it around?! It's already a pain in the ass to babysit a voodoo-BDSM gay couple!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Sun Quan

Oh…really? Hmm…I see. Maybe this tiger could be some use to me, after all. Hehehe…

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Sun Quan

Oh, and one more thing. You sure this tiger won't suddenly break free from its cage and wreck the hell outta my house? I swear I'm gonna declare a war on you guys if it ever happened.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Sun Quan

Oh, that's good.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Sun Quan

What the…you jackass.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Sun Quan

Touché. Okay then, better be going.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Akechi Mitsuhide

Uh, right. Though to be fair, I didn't play with her, per se.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Akechi Mitsuhide

Well, I was just reading her a very…interesting book.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Akechi Mitsuhide

Well, um, it's the book that she said you read to her everytime she goes to sleep. I can't put my finger on its name.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Akechi Mitsuhide

Um, yes. That. Speaking of which, I also tried to ask you about this, but I forgot.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Akechi Mitsuhide

Ooh. If you say so, I suppose I won't tell it to anyone. Can't guarantee if I somehow revealed it on accident, though. Haha!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Akechi Mitsuhide

Hahahahahaha. Okay, okay, you know what, your secret safe's with me. To be fair, I also found the book to be quite interesting. It sorta like described the relationship I had- argh, nevermind what I just said!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Cao Rui

Uhh…sure thing. I don't see a problem with you keeping it.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Cao Rui

Huh? Who the hell told you that?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Cao Rui

Pussy? Err…okay, I think you mistook 'that' pussy as this pussy. But I suppose it's a good thing. A fucking good thing.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Cao Rui

But seriously, who told you about that?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Cao Rui

What?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Cao Rui

What the…okay, if you want to retain your and your friends' lives, make sure your father do NOT know about this!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Cao Rui

Because you'll ALL be beyond fucked if he ever finds out!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Jia Mu

Mu, how could have you done this?!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Jia Mu

Like really! YOU'RE the one who gave Cao Rui bad influences, aren't you!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Jia Mu

WHAT! Argh, I always knew it would come back to this!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Jia Mu

By the way, you're grounded! No rums for an entire month!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Guo Jia

Seriously, how many times should I tell you?!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Guo Jia

I mean, you should look over your goddamn child! Seriously, he's giving my child bad influences!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Guo Jia

You're too drunk to even watch over him?! And let him raid your porn stash?!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Guo Yi

Hey, you! How dare you to give bad influences to my son! I shall punish you for this!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Guo Yi

That's because your dad is too drunk to even notice you! Okay, here, hold this baozi over here.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Guo Yi

So? Hello? You're there? (Yes! He didn't answer!)

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Guo Jia

Noisy sounds upstairs? Nooo…it's just your son making some ruckus.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Guo Jia

I did it. Is something the matter?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Guo Jia

Well, I said that because your son pissed me off, and so I just sent to him a proper punishment. That's all. So I didn't lie to you.

Jia Xu

* * *

 _However, the moment Jia Xu was typing this, suddenly a billiard ball came and hit his head. Turning his head around, he found Guo Jia with an intense murderous rage. He then proceed to brutally beat down Jia Xu, causing this letters segment to be cut short. Will he survive and let the letters segment go on? Or will he die in the cruelest way imaginable, leaving this letter segment in the dust?_

* * *

Yeah, by the way I used that excuse because I just couldn't find proper ideas for a funny story this time, okay. I'm very sorry. I am very tired today and can't do much. Please leave a review and good day for all of you good sirs.


	15. A Notification

_Okay. First of all, I won't upload a new chapter today, but I have something important to tell you about._

 _Now, I'm sure that some, if not a LOT, of the readers noticed that the quality of this fic is slowly, but surely, going downhill. I myself am aware of this, but I kept going on anyway out of sheer stubbornness and stupidity. Now, there are mainly two reasons why this is happening._

 _First of all, because I'm in senior high school now, I came home later than I usually did before. Because I'm almost always too tired after that, it's obvious I almost certainly can't think straight and freshly when writing this fic, and as a result, I ran out of ideas. Some of the readers advised me to just take a break off of this in order to refresh my mind and so can come up with funnier stories. I'm no Yuan Shao, so I took their advices. So, from now on I will only update this fic on weekends, where I get home earlier than usual and because of holidays._

 _Second, everytime I get new letters to answer, I find that there are too few of them, only around 1-4, or 5 if I got lucky. Because the letters are too few, I can't come up with enough ideas to make a chapter-size story. If this goes on then I will have no choice but to end this. I won't let this fic to skip over all the sharks in this world on hyper-speed, leaving both the readers, and I, unsatisfied._

 _Of course, I'm fully aware that a lot of my readers have been deserting this fic because of its quality slowly descending like a flushed shit, and that not many will care if I end this thing (especially those guys who keep labeling me as an Insertmanyfandomshere-copycat), but the question here is whether you care or not. If you care and want me to continue this, then heed my words. But if you don't, then I will just go on and mark this fic as 'Complete'. That's all._

 _Anyway, thank you so much for taking your time to read this. It's only because of you guys that I got this far. I love you all. Have a good day._


	16. Chapter 15

Okay, so I'm back! After taking a break as advised, I finally came back again! Yay! Yeah, anyway, let's move on to the story now, shall we?

* * *

 _So continuing from the last chapter, we see a bloody beatdown delivered by Guo Jia towards Jia Xu, thanks to the latter making the Suns' tiger to bite off Guo Yi's hand. Miraculously, he survived! Although, he's only 'safe', but not 'safe and well'…apparently his brain is slightly tilted thanks to that billiard ball…_

* * *

Guo Jia: Pant…pant…pant…Guo Yi!

Jia Xu: Grrrrrrreeeeeerrrrrgggggghhhhhhh…

Guo Jia: Eh? **turns around** AAAAAHHHHHH!

Jia Xu: Ehh…umm? Hey, Master Guo Jia! What's the matter?

Guo Jia: Aaahhhh, AAAAAHHHHHHH! **runs away**

Jia Xu: Hey! Wait! What's the matter with him? I was intending to take him around the city to enjoy all the pretty girls and get drunk. Oh well. Better check my emails. Oh, what's that?

Jia Xu saw a box of chocolate on the front of his door. Then, an email arrived.

* * *

To: Li Yingqi

Oh my, thanks a lot sweetheart. How kind of you to send such a gift! And, why is the chocolate split into 8? Oh, poor you!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Li Yingqi

Oh, I see. And, uh, what? I don't know what you're talking about.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Li Yingqi

Hahaha. Must be your imagination. When did I say something like that?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Li Yingqi

Anyways, thanks for the chocolate. Been long since I eat something like this. Heh, I must be getting old.

Jia Xu

* * *

 _And so, Jia Xu took one piece, but how unfortunate for it was Zhang Chunhua's. Jia Xu promptly puked at the toilet before he mailed Li Yingqi again._

* * *

To: Li Yingqi

What is the meaning of this?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Li Yingqi

That chocolate. It tastes awful. Why would you do that to me? Have I ever done wrong to you?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Li Yingqi

What? From HER? Do you attempt to kill me?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Li Yingqi

Come on now, I don't remember when was it I offended you, but please forgive me! I can't bear to eat ANYTHING if it's from HER!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Li Yingqi

Really? Thank you so much! Oh well then, I'll go get some fresh air, have a good day~

Jia Xu

* * *

 _And so Jia Xu went outside of his house, which is an extreme rarity rivaled only by the appearance of a DW yuri fic. He began to greet everyone he saw, and is suddenly a really nice and polite person, certainly a huge 180-degree turn from the Jia Xu we usually know. This sudden change made people a bit scared from him, causing them to run away from him. However, moreover is the fact that he's bloody, battered and isn't even aware of it._

* * *

Jia Xu: Good morning, mister! How's your day?

Some Peasant: Ah, AAAHHH! **drops a big bag of coins, then runs away**

Jia Xu: Eh? Why are you running away? Huh? Hey! You dropped your money! Come here!

Some Peasant: AAHHH! Just, just stay away from me, you monster! That entire bag is all that I have to live, and you may do whatever you want with it! Just don't harm me! AAAAHHHHH!

Jia Xu: Hey, hey! Ahhh…weird. I didn't ask for money, mine's enough for me to live! Huff…oh! Maybe this one poor old woman could use it! Hey, madam! Would you mind if I-

Some Old Woman: Arkh?! **pulls out her 12-year old son** HERE, SIR HERE! I HAVE THIS ONE WORTHLESS, MISTAKE-OF-A-NATURE SON THAT DOES NOTHING BUT TO SIT ON HIS ASS AND SMOKE WEED, SAYING THAT, "HEY, MANY GREAT PEOPLE START THIS WAY!", BUT REALLY HE'S COMPLETE SHIT! PLEASE, I'M WILLING TO TRADE HIM OFF FOR ANY AMOUNT OF MONEY, JUST SO THAT I WOULD BE RID OF HIM AND THAT YOU WON'T HURT ME! PLEASE! DO WITH HIM ALL YOU WANT, ORDER HIM AROUND, PLAY WITH HIM, RAPE HIM, JUST DON'T HURT ME! AAAAAAHHHHHH!

The Boy: Hey, mom! Uh, okay, mister, I don't ask for too much, okay? Just let me smoke weed and I surely won't disturb you! **thumbs up**

Jia Xu: Uhhh…okay, I don't ask for anything, really, I just want you to have this money-

Some Old Woman: Ooohhh! MONEY! MONEY MONEY MONEY! Okay, thank you so much Mister Zombie! Ooh boy! **runs off**

Jia Xu: Zombie? That's kinda weird. Oh well, since this boy has been suffering from his abusive mother, I suppose I should take him under my care. Hey, what's your name?

The Boy: Zui Wuyong.

Jia Xu: Okay, from now on you're called Jia Wuyong. Why don't we go somewhere that interests your mind, hmm?

Jia Wuyong: Ooh! Ooh! Let's go to the drug store!

Jia Xu: Drug store? Why, are you sick or something?

Jia Wuyong: Well, to buy more weed, you fucken' idiot. What else?

Jia Xu: Hey! That's a rude word to say!

Jia Wuyong: Meh, it's my fucking choice, whether you like it or not, you old shit!

Jia Xu: Gargh!

Just when Jia Xu and the boy were arguing, Xun Yu came across them.

Xun Yu: What the…hey, Jia Xu?! What the hell's with you?!

Jia Xu: Hm? Oh! Xun Yu! How're you doing?

Xun Yu: Well, I'm fine! The question is: ARE YOU?!

Jia Xu: Eh? What do you mean?

Xun Yu: I mean, look at you! You're essentially a fucking walking zombie!

Jia Xu: Oh, really? **looks upon his condition** Whoah, you're right! Gee, I definitely need to wash myself up! Thank you for your notice!

Xun Yu: Errr…yeah. Um, wait a second.

Jia Xu: Eh? What?

Xun Yu: Umm...you sure you're alright? I mean, today you're a bit…

Jia Xu: Off? Haha, of course not. Aside from my bloody body, I'm fine. Thank you for your concern, though.

Xun Yu: Uhhh…alright. And…what about this boy? Why is he following you around?

Jia Xu: Oh? He's my newly adopted son. Nevermind, could you please take care of him while I'm away? Thank you. **runs towards his house**

Xun Yu: Hey, wait! Geez, what's up with him today? That doesn't seem to be the real Jia Xu. He usually spout out a rude comment whenever he sees me. But today, he didn't even swear! Huff…oh, and regarding this boy…

Jia Wuyong: Hey, so when will we go to buy some weed, eh motherfucker?

Xun Yu: Weed? What the…oh, seriously.

* * *

 _And so Jia Xu went home to cleanse himself from all that blood. When he came out from the bathroom, however, he found an email._

* * *

To: Cao Cao

Oh, good morning too, Lord Cao Cao! I hope you're having a good day!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Cao Cao

Um, talking about what?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Cao Cao

What? I'm fine! Why does everyone ask the same stuff today, anyway? There's nothing wrong with me, trust me!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Cao Cao

Impostor? Hahaha. My deep apologies, sir, but I seems your eyesight has deteriorated over time. See, I'm no impostor! I'm the real deal!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Xun Yu

Oh, Wenruo. What is it?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Xun Yu

Oh, that boy? I thought he only wanted you to buy weed?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Xun Yu

Crack? Hmm, that's weird, considering that crack is almost always cheaper than everything else. Oh well, I'll send you the money. Don't worry.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Xun Yu

1471182234.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Xun Yu

Hm? The boy?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Xun Yu

Wait, what?!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Xun Yu

Err…..okay…guess you don't need my money, then.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Xun Yu

Just donate them to Shu, then! They're so full of crack and weed-smoking hippies! They'll be happy to receive our gifts!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Xun Yu

Oh, come on. That's the fourth time I've been asked that! I told you, I'm fine!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Xun Yu

Huh? Come on now, there's no way I'm THAT rude!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Xun Yu

Okay, okay, you know what. Maybe I did that out of extreme fits of anger, but I'm happy and cheery now! So there's no reason to worry about me!

Jia Xu

* * *

 _Then, Jia Xu went out again to get some fresh air. On the way, he met Xiahou Dun and Xiahou Yuan._

* * *

Xiahou Dun: Hmm? Oh shit, it's him again!

Xiahou Yuan: Emm? Who?

Xiahou Dun: There! That guy walking over there! Come on now, by this point you already KNOW that he's up to no good…

Xiahou Yuan: Ah! Good point, Cousin! But still, why would he come out here? He practically has no fucking activities other than to stare at his monitor all day! It's a wonder why his ass hasn't been flattened yet…

Xiahou Dun: I know, right. But the fact that he came out NOW is a no-no sign which means he seeks to cause trouble! Let's just ignore him so that we won't be caught up in his bullshit.

And so the Xiahou cousins continue drinking their iced tea. Sometime later, Jia Xu came near to them and greeted them.

Jia Xu: Good morning, Xiahou Dun. Good morning, Xiahou Yuan. Enjoying your drinks?

Xiahou Dun and Xiahou Yuan: **spit out their drinks**

Jia Xu: Whoa! What's all that about? Did I surprise you? Hehe, I'm sorry.

Xiahou Dun and Xiahou Yuan: **stare at Jia Xu, then stare at each other alternately**

Jia Xu: Umm…is something the matter? Haha, don't worry! I won't hurt you! I'm simply greeting you!

Xiahou Dun: **whispering** Psst, Yuan.

Xiahou Yuan: **whispering** What?

Xiahou Dun: I told you that it would be bad if he came near us. But now, it looks like it's gotten worse.

Xiahou Yuan: I know right! I mean, it seems like he's possessed by one of Shu's 'benevolence spirits' or something!

Xiahou Dun: Well, I DID hear rumors about him being possessed some time ago…by an alien or something, whatever…

Xiahou Yuan: What! Then does that mean he?

Xiahou Dun: It could be a possibility! Okay, know what, Yuan, this Jia Xu might be an impostor. There's no way, absolutely NO FUCKING WAY HE could be this nice. Maybe this is the very same alien I talked about! If we let him loose, the entire Wei would be in danger!

Xiahou Yuan: Then what should we do?!

Xiahou Dun: Huff…I suppose we should tell Cousin about this, he might know what to do regarding this impostor…besides, he might be a complete asshole, but to lose Jia Xu would be a severe disadvantage to us, since he's the only SANE strategist we have around here! So we need to find the real one too! Though finding him being tortured by the alien might be quite a cathartic image…hehehe…

Xiahou Yuan: Good idea!

Jia Xu: Ummm…okay, I'm sorry to interrupt, but are you done talking to each other? I feel a bit uncomfortable….

Xiahou Dun: **talking with normal voice** Oh! Ehem, my apologies. Well, it's nice for you to ask about us! Hehehe…

Xiahou Yuan: Of course, of course! How about you?

Jia Xu: I'm fine, thank you very much. Oh, and since you spilled your nice iced tea because I surprised you, I feel obliged to buy you another one as a sign of my apology.

Xiahou Dun: Err, w-what? No, no! You don't have to! **stares at Xiahou Yuan**

Xiahou Yuan: Yeah! I mean, come on! It's just fucking tea! It doesn't mean anything! **stares back**

Jia Xu: But I-

Xiahou Dun: Okay, okay, you know what? Maybe you just need to come home now, after all, we're preparing a large party shortly! Everyone will come there! And there will be a lot of tea there!

Jia Xu: Oh, really? Sounds like fun...

Xiahou Dun: Haha, of course it is! You, too, are invited!

Jia Xu: Really?! Oh, I can't properly express my extreme gratitude of your kindness! Not only did you forgive me for spilling your tea, but you also invited me to a great party! How kind life is to give me such a person!

Xiahou Dun: Errr…yeah. Anyway, just come home now! I'll tell you when the party will start!

Jia Xu: Okay, then! I'll be there soon! Bye!

Xiahou Dun: Bye! Huff…man!

Xiahou Yuan: Er, by the way, Cousin, is that party you're talking about real?

Xiahou Dun: Well, what do you think?!

Xiahou Yuan: Errr…no?

Xiahou Dun: Fucking exactly! Look, I made up all of that stuff just to get him to shut up with all that excessive politeness! And speaking of which, you have NO fucking idea how awkward that whole conversation was! Jia Xu? Being polite?! The REAL Jia Xu could've spilled that fucking tea by himself, half-assedly apologize to me when I tell him about it, and then mocks me just because he's an asshole! Huff…you know what, I've always complained about Jia Xu being an asshole, but this has just gotten WAY out of hand! You just put green on him and he'll be pretty much Liu Bei! No Wei officer acts like a Shu officer! …well, except for Guan Yu, who joined us some time ago, whom I hate the fucking guts of, that irrelevant girl with the harp Cai Wenji, and…who's that hooded kid again?

Xiahou Yuan: You mean Xu Shu.

Xiahou Dun: Oh, right. Anyway, we need to tell this to Cousin immediately!

Xiahou Yuan: Right!

* * *

 _Back onto Jia Xu, he went home, happily thinking about the 'party' Xiahou Dun talked about. He then opened his email to find a mail from Yu Jin. Very little do he knows about the truth…_

* * *

To: Yu Jin

Oh, hi, Yu Jin. I'm fine, thank you. How about you?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Yu Jin

Really? It's good to hear that. What do you want with me, if I may ask?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Yu Jin

Oh, so he invited you too? Great! I'm sure we'll have lots of fun at the party!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Yu Jin

Really?! Yay! Thank you for telling me!

Jia Xu

* * *

 _And so Jia Xu went outside of his home, eager to go the 'party' after Yu Jin told him that it's about to start. Suddenly, however, mysterious people caught him inside a bag, and brought him to an unknown room. Jia Xu was knocked out cold. Two hours later, he finally opened his eyes…_

* * *

Jia Xu: Urrrghhh….w-what was that….

?: Greetings, Master Jia Xu.

Jia Xu: Uhmmm…who…are…you…WHOA! **gets blinded by flashlight**

?: See? If he's the REAL deal, he would've started cursing WAY earlier.

?: You had a point there. However, it's too early to make any assumptions.

?: After all, you know about the mails he sent to you, right?

?: I know. But who knows that it could've been someone else who wrote the mails?

?: Hey, we both met him earlier, and he's EXACTLY as polite as when he sent those mails to you!

?: In that case, it could be an impostor.

?: Well, that's EXACTLY my fucking point!

?: Oh, right. My bad.

?: Come on now, when will we start? I want to get down to the dirty business already!

?: Calm down your estrogens first, my lady. And now… **walks closer towards Jia Xu**

Jia Xu: Errghhh…oh? Lord Cao Cao? Xiahou Dun? Xiahou Yuan? Yu Jin? Wang Yi? Wha…what are you all doing here? I thought we're having a party? Or…is THIS the party?

Xiahou Dun: Oh my god…he actually fell for it, didn't he?

Cao Cao: Stay calm. We'll use this to our advantage. Now then, it's true. We ARE having a party right now. We have lots of tea for all of us.

Yu Jin: **holds a large kettle of hot tea**

Jia Xu: Oh, really? Now that's good. Now, why don't you all just release me and- **gets hot tea poured into his face** GAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH! HOT! HOT! HOT! MY SKIN! MY SKIN IS PEELING! AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH! HOT! HOT! HOT!

Cao Cao: Hmm…so, what do you think?

Yu Jin: Normally he would start to curse at us all the time, my lord. But here, he didn't say any profanities despite having hot tea poured right into his fucking face…very strange, indeed.

Cao Cao: Haha! Exactly what I thought! Now then, Yu Jin, Wang Yi, you could start now.

Yu Jin and Wang Yi: Right away, sir.

Jia Xu: Gaaahhh…come on, now! Why would you do that?! It hurts a LOT!

Yu Jin: Well, if you wanna know the answer…

Wang Yi: You have to tell us where the REAL Jia Xu is.

Jia Xu: W-what?! Hey, I AM the real Jia Xu! What are you talking about- **stabbed by Wang Yi** AH!

Yu Jin: I said, TELL US WHERE THE REAL JIA XU IS!

Wang Yi: Hey, that's my line!

Yu Jin: Meh, nevermind.

Jia Xu: Argh! Come one, who should I tell you?! I'm the REAL JIA XU! **stabbed by Wang Yi again** YEEOOOWWWWW! THAT HURTS!

Wang Yi: Now, if you stupid alien impostor bitch don't tell us, this will hurt MORE.

Jia Xu: Impostor?! ALIENS?! I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT!

Wang Yi: Grrrhhh….. **shoves her trishula even deeper**

Jia Xu: Yow! Augh! Agh! I'm…telling…the truth! ARGH! STOP IT!

Yu Jin: Hah! You aliens sure don't know how to quit! If you don't tell us immediately, then we will-

Cao Cao: Yu Jin! Wang Yi! Stop it!

Yu Jin and Wang Yi: Huh?

Cao Cao: This is not gonna cut it. If you two continue torturing him, then he will possibly die, and he will lose information.

Xiahou Dun: Then, how shall we do it?

Cao Cao: Hmm…

Xiahou Yuan: Oh! I know! How about we show him the embarrassing collection of videos of him doing that 'Wuwei trick' he performed at the New Year Party?

Cao Cao: Aha! Right! Just what I was thinking! The videos will drive him to the far edge with embarrassment! Haha! Alright, prepare the TV and the videos!

Jia Xu: Ah…come on now, guys, what have I done wrong to you?! I told you, I'm no impostor!

 _Later, the TV and the video set arrived._

Yu Jin: Whatever you're talking about. But well then, isn't this the stuff that you alien motherfuckers do at your planet?

 _And so the TV was turned on, and on it was the collection of Jia Xu's embarrassing videos at the New Year Party._

Jia Xu: W-wha?! What?! AAAAHHHH! HOW….HOW COULD I?! AAAAAHHHHH! STOP IT! STOP THAT VIDEO! ARRRGHHHHH!

Wang Yi: Tell us the location of the REAL Jia Xu first.

Jia Xu: Seriously! For the last time, I AM THE REAL JIA XU!

Yu Jin: Sir, seriously, it just seems that we absolutely can NOT break his spirit. I suppose it's just well enough if we let this 'polite Jia Xu', impostor or not, be.

Cao Cao: No! We can't let an impostor with such glaring mistake be! If it's the real Jia Xu, then he would have been cursing and being rude to us all the time! But he didn't!

Wang Yi: Sir, Yu Jin's right. Besides, don't you think that our life will be much, MUCH peaceful is Jia Xu isn't an asshole?

Cao Cao: I know! But, huff…Jia Xu not being an asshole just doesn't feel right.

Xiahou Dun: Hmm….cousin, maybe we-

Cao Cao: Aha! That's right, Dun! Exactly what I thought!

Xiahou Dun: …..I haven't even told what my plan is.

Cao Cao: Oh, right. My bad.

Xiahou Dun: Pssshh. Okay, sir, so far, we've tried EVERY single torture trick we have in store, but this impostor simply won't submit. And so, the best move is to inquire the help of Guo Jia.

Cao Cao: Oh, right! Why haven't I thought of that?! Okay, then, summon Guo Jia here!

Soon after, Guo Jia himself arrived.

Guo Jia: You looking for me, my lord?

Cao Cao: Ah, yes, here-

Jia Xu: Ah! Master Guo Jia! Help me!

Guo Jia: Eh? Wait, Jia Xu?!

Jia Xu: Thank goodness you're here! Would you be kind enough to save me from these people?! Please!

Guo Jia: ….oookkaaaaayyy. First of all, WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON HERE?!

* * *

 _And so, Cao Cao explained to Guo Jia the whole thing._

* * *

Cao Cao: …and that's how. You see, we've already EVERY possible kinds of torture we had in store, but he won't yield. Which is why we need your intellect to help us.

Guo Jia: Uhh…okay, I'm pretty much sure that you have only used TWO kinds of torture. But then again, if showing him THOSE videos didn't work, then we're facing a hell of an alien here….

Cao Cao: See! Come on, Guo Jia, we need your help. If you don't, then one of our most valuable strategist will be GONE. He's your best friend too, right?!

Guo Jia: Friends? Err….yeah, I woulda say it that way…but anyway. **walks towards Jia Xu**

Jia Xu: G-guo Jia…

Guo Jia: Jia Xu…

Jia Xu: Come on now, I BEG you now, Guo Jia. Please, tell them the truth! I really am no impostor! Only you can convince them!

Guo Jia: Eh, uh…

Jia Xu: Please! **starts to cry** If there's any offense I've done to you, I beg you to forgive me. I really was in extreme fits of anger at that time. We're friends, aren't we?

Guo Jia: Ah…fine then. Lord Cao Cao, how long has this been going on?

Cao Cao: Hm, I reckon it's around this morning.

Guo Jia: This morning…wait!

Cao Cao: Ah! What is it?

Guo Jia: I know it...he's been like this because I beat the crap out of him shitless! One of the billiard balls I threw of him clearly had an effect to his brain, causing his personality to turn 180 degrees!

Cao Cao: So…you're saying he's no impostor?

Guo Jia: Nope.

Cao Cao: **stares at Xiahou Dun**

Xiahou Dun: W-what?! I'm simply hearing the rumors!

Cao Cao: Hmmm…. **turns to Guo Jia** So, if he's no impostor, what should we do to turn him into normal?

Guo Jia: Well, I'm saying it must be done the same way I turned him into this…

So Guo Jia turned to Jia Xu and fired one of his billiard balls to Jia Xu's head.

Jia Xu: Yeow! Argh, what was that for- **seeing the people of Wei advancing toward him** W-wha?! Guo Jia! I thought you would help me!

Guo Jia: Sigh…I'm sorry, Jia Xu, but…I AM helping you.

Jia Xu: Wha?! What do you mean?! AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

* * *

 _And so Cao Cao and co. beat Jia Xu up to the point where he's bloody and battered, just like when he was beat up by Guo Jia._

* * *

Jia Xu: Grrrrrgghhhh….

Cao Cao: Huff…whew, I hope we didn't overdo it!

Guo Jia: Hm? Hey!

Jia Xu: Grrraaaahhhhh…GGRRRRRAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! **knocks down everyone**

Everyone else: WHOA!

Jia Xu: **raging with murderous aura** Grrrhhh…you….WHY THE FUCK DID YOU DO THAT TO ME?! WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE, HUH?! YOU GODDAMN-BALLSUCKIN-BULLSHIT COWDONGER MOTHERFUCKERS! I'LL SEND YOUR DIABETIC-HEMORRHOID ASSES TO FUCKEN-SHITLICKIN-DICKBITING HELL! GRRRAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! **enters rage mode**

Guo Jia: Welp! My job here's done, he's back to being an asshole, but the most important thing being-

Everyone else: RUN AWAYYYYYYYY! **runs away**

Jia Xu: GRRARAAAAAAARARARARARRARGGHHHHH! **destroys everything with his scythe** HEHEHEHEHE, HAHAHAHA, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAA! COME! I'LL RIP ALL OF YOUR LONG-ASS ASSES AND SHOVE UP A THREE-METRES BULLSHIT-COVERED WOOD PLANK UP IT! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHH! GRAAAAAAAAA! **proceeds to destroy everything, again**

* * *

 _And so the utterly ballistic Jia Xu destroyed everything inside the warehouse, and even goes out his way to destroy everything in the Wei capital as well, until the authorities managed to take him under control. The news promptly entered the newest edition of "The Han Dynasty Times" as the headlines:_

 _"The Asshole Antisocial Jia Xu Suspected to be an Alien Went Psycho and Utterly Wrecked the Capital! Whenever You Meet This Man, Trade Out Your Useless Weed-Smoker Son, and He Will Stay Away From You!"_

* * *

Anyways, it surely feels good to be back again! Well, as usual, please leave out reviews and have a good day!


	17. Chapter 16

_Previously, Jia Xu was arrested due to his ballistic psycho rage throughout the capital, but now he's back to answer more ridiculous letters!_

* * *

To: Li Zhen

Hmm…well, if I'd say you could always come down here if you want to.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Li Zhen

Yeah, sure, life here is shitty, but don't you think it's even shittier with all of those jackass Mystics up there?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Li Zhen

 **Attached are PDFs of Tale of Chinese Flyer and Heather Has Two Mommies**

Meh, whatever. I do have these two interesting books…be careful, though. Adult guidance is advised.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Xun Yu

Well, that's EXACTLY what hit me yesterday! I still remember all of the things I did when in that 'nice guy mode'…feels horrifying.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Xun Yu

Pssshhh. Just how bad can it be?

Jia Xu

* * *

 _Following Xun Yu's words, Jia Xu looked outside. There's a sight of Sima Yi with a halo over his head emitting a divine light. He's creating rainbows with his magic and is donating money to the poor and healing the sick._

Sima Yi: Come here now! Whatever you need, I'll be happy to give you!

Some Peasant: Oh, I am unable to pay the taxes!

Sima Yi: Oh? Very well then, have this massive bag of coins!

Some Peasant: Oh, thank you, thank you!

Some Other Peasant: My left leg hurts!

Sima Yi: Alright then, I shall heal you!

Some Other Peasant: Ooh! Thanks a lot, master magician!

Some Old Woman: Please! I can't find a perfect man in my entire life!

Sima Yi: Really? Well then, here's an uber-pretty boy for you!

Some Old Woman: Ooh, thank you so much mister!

Sima Yi: I strive to bring joy to the world! If you feel down, come to me, and I will bring you happiness!

The Crowd: He really is our savior!

The Other Crowd: Yeah! He's definitely WAY better than Zhang Jiao!

The People: WE WILL FIGHT TO THE DEATH FOR OUR SAVIOR!

 _Jia Xu was definitely horrified by the sight of Sima Yi being the savior of the common people._

* * *

To: Xun Yu

Xun Yu, you're…you're right. The situation is dire!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Xun Yu

Yeah! But really, who knows if all of this is just an act? It's similar to what Zhang Jiao and Liu Bei did! He became an all-around nice guy in order to gain people's supports, and then start a rebellion!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Xun Yu

I know right! Shit, we really need to find a way to reverse this!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Xun Yu

First of all, have you seen the time he was beaten up brutally by someone? Because, you know, he's the very likely to receive that type of beating?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Xun Yu

No? Well shit…we're facing a serious problem here. I don't know, maybe his magic backfired on him?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Xun Yu

That…or maybe he really is a double-agent working for Shu now!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Xun Yu

Oh, right. That'd be impossible. My bad.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Xun Yu

Well then, maybe you can ask all the people around Wei about Sima Yi's deeds. Then we can piece the clues together.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Li Yingqi

Yes, yes, I DID have an amnesia yesterday, thanks to Guo Jia. But even then, me calling you 'sweethearts' doesn't mean I'm in love with you! Fuck no! It's just simply a sign of adoration because of the chocolate you sent to me! Argh, whatever, it doesn't fucking matter now that I'm back on being an asshole. Hmm…I suppose I can somehow relate to you…argh, the hell am I thinking?! Nevermind.

P.S: Yeah, yeah, I won't. I promise. I made this oath to those asshole Mystics, and may they punish me if I ever break this. (After all, we all KNOW how THAT will turn out…hehehe…)

P.P.S: The chocolate actually taste quite fine, I must say. Well, since it's made by Xu Zhu…but that one piece I took…seriously, were you attempting to assassinate me with a bullshit-flavored chocolate?!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Sima Zhunei

Hm, I don't remember Sima Yi having you for a nephew. Must be the same kind of Li Yingqi. But anyway, I assume this means you'll be a Sima Yi-like asshole until he turned back to normal?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Sima Zhunei

Including taking care of his letters segment? I see. But anyway, have you seen anything that happened to your uncle before he became Liu Bei 2.0 we're seeing now?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Sima Zhunei

Shady rituals? Huh…I'm not surprised. Anyway, maybe I can collect information from his family and friends. Just wait right there. Oh, and PLEASE don't play your magic around with Xun Yu. Just…don't.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Sima Shi

Hey, you're not busy eating baozi now, are you?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Sima Shi

Oh. Okay, whatever, just answer my question.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Sima Shi

Please, don't type with your mouth full of baozi.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Sima Shi

Okay, now, you sure do know about the sudden change your father has?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Sima Shi

What?! How the hell can you NOT know?!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Sima Shi

Wow. Really, wow.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Sima Shi

So, he generously gave all of those baozis for you to eat? Okay…

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Sima Shi

Yeah, thank you. But remember to not eat all of the baozis in one sitting! You'll end up like Xu Zhu! Eugh…

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Sima Zhao

So, I wanna ask you something. You sure do know about the sudden change in your father?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Sima Zhao

Oh, good. What did he do?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Sima Zhao

Wow, that's…very generous of him.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Sima Zhao

I know, right! Now, I want to ask if you've seen something that MIGHT be responsible for this?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Sima Zhao

Huh, I see. Okay then, thank you for the info.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Sima Zhao

Well, I AM trying to find a way to revert your father back. He's practically becoming a Liu Bei 2.0 at this point!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Wang Yuanji

Hey, so...I wanna ask you something.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Wang Yuanji

Ever notice something wrong with your father-in-law lately?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Wang Yuanji

All of the fancy dresses? That's quite interesting…do you know what MIGHT'VE caused this sudden change?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Wang Yuanji

Hmm…that's quite interesting. Oh well, I'm off.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Zhang Chunhua

Hey, I assume you sure do know about the sudden change in your husband that turned him from a swearing asshole into a saint? (Wait, that's sorta like me yesterday…eh, nevermind)

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Zhang Chunhua

You gave him a tea before all of those rituals against Zhuge Liang? …wait.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Zhang Chunhua

Eh, nevermind. Thanks anyway.

P.S.: However, fuck you for that bullshit-flavored chocolate.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Cao Pi

Okay, you know that Sima Yi is your most trusted confidant, so sure enough you know about him changing into a Liu Bei Mark II?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Cao Pi

Right. What did he do to you?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Cao Pi

Liquid nitrogen? Wait, what?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Cao Pi

Uh…right. Thanks for the info.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Zhang He

Hey, you. Have noticed Sima Yi being weird lately?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Zhang He

Yeah, he suddenly turned into a saint. Do you know what might changed him into this? Because, you know, you're literally with him all the time.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Zhang He

A boutique? Err…right. But the point is, you don't know. Okay.

Jia Xu

* * *

 _After collecting enough information, Jia Xu departed for Xun Yu's house. There, he found Xun Yu and Sima Zhunei sitting in front of a desk, analyzing a whole bunch of photos of Sima Yi._

Sima Zhunei: You're late.

Jia Xu: Well, I told you I was collecting information!

Xun Yu: Anyways, now that you're here, let's hear out what you've got.

Jia Xu: Well, Sima Shi said he don't know any jack shit about this because he has been too busy eating a warehouse-full of baozi his father gave him.

Sima Zhunei: That's weird. Why would uncle let him? I thought uncle would always get angry at cousin eating too much baozi.

Jia Xu: Exactly! And now, Sima Zhao said that his father bought him a gaming PC and PS4 for him to play all entire fucking day!

Xun Yu: What!

Jia Xu: And now Wang Yuanji said that his father-in-law bought her ALL kinds of pretty dresses!

Sima Zhunei: That's odd!

Jia Xu: Well, this ENTIRE fucking this is odd! Later, he gave Cao Pi liquid nitrogen and Zhang He a boutique for him to manage!

Xun Yu: Whoa, okay…he's generous, alright. But I don't know, it just seems to be a weird type of generous.

Jia Xu: I know, right! So, how about you two?

Sima Zhunei: Well, I took some pictures of my uncle around, and I and Xun Yu here are currently analyzing it.

Xun Yu: Here are they. This is him giving balloons to some kids, this is him giving an alive teddy bear to another, and this is him giving wings to another bunch of kids.

Jia Xu: What the hell?! That could mean disaster!

Sima Zhunei: We know. We analyzed all of these photos for half an hour, but we're still unable to find anything worthy.

Jia Xu: Hmm…I don't know if this will help, but his wife Zhang Chunhua said that she gave him some tea before he initiated those shady rituals against Zhuge Liang…

Xun Yu: Hm? Oh right, that's it!

Jia Xu: Hm? What?

Xun Yu: The answer's clear now! I say it must be the tea that she gave him?

Jia Xu: What the hell do you mean?

Xun Yu: Well, we all know that Zhang Chunhua's beverages are all horrendously shitty, so it MUST be the tea who caused Sima Yi's personality to turn 180 degrees!

Sima Zhunei: Don't you think it's a bit weird though? As far as I can tell, it could actually cause people to be MORE of an asshole.

Jia Xu: How do you know?

Sima Zhunei: Well, I tried it once…and let me tell you, the result was so bad that my 3-year-old nephew Sima Yan had to be sent to a therapist to cleanse his head from all the words I uttered in that mad frenzy….

Jia Xu: Huh, tell me about it. If the tea's not the case, then I say we blame the ritual!

Xun Yu: Oh yeah, right! Maybe we could barge in his house to investigate…

Jia Xu: What?! You idiot! Nope! We're not doing it! Here, maybe it was Zhuge Liang's doing!

Xun Yu: Ah, yes! It could be so! We all know that Zhuge Liang is the MASTER of trolling the Wei people with his magic!

Sima Zhunei: Now, we just need to draw a line between all these three factors!

Everyone: Hmm….

 _3 hours later_

Jia Xu: …oh, I know!

Xun Yu and Sima Zhunei: Eh? What?!

Jia Xu: ….argh! I don't know!

Xun Yu and Sima Zhunei: WHAT!

 _3 hours later_

Jia Xu: …oh, oh, I know!

Xun Yu and Sima Zhunei: **stare at Jia Xu**

Jia Xu: I'm serious this time! Here, maybe we could check the ingredients of Zhang Chunhua's tea!

Sima Zhunei: What makes you think that?

Jia Xu: Well, who knows! Maybe she was just being hateful at that time and inserted 'something' into the tea…

Xun Yu: I don't like the direction of this, but okay.

 _And so Jia Xu mailed Zhang Chunhua._

* * *

To: Zhang Chunhua

Hey, it's me again.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Zhang Chunhua

So, I'd like to inspect the tea that you gave to Sima Yi yesterday.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Zhang Chunhua

Well, who knows if you inserted 'something' there out of grudge against your husband?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Zhang Chunhua

Look, I'm not convicting you. I am just asking if there's ANYTHING suspicious inside that tea!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Zhang Chunhua

Herbal tea? …wait. What herbal did you insert there, then?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Zhang Chunhua

Really? Let me see those herbs.

Jia Xu

* * *

 _And so Jia Xu gained the herbs, and how surprised he is when he realized that it's actually the weed he sent to Zhuge Liang yesterday!_

Jia Xu: ….guys.

Xun Yu and Sima Zhunei: Hm?

Jia Xu: …this.

Xun Yu: Hm? Wait a minute…isn't this the weed you sent to Zhuge Liang yesterday?

Jia Xu: Exactly! Now, everything's clear. So apparently, to screw around with the Wei people, Zhuge Liang slipped in this weed to the Sima household. Zhang Chunhua thought that this weed is medicinal herb and put it into Sima Yi's tea. The weed caused Sima Yi to go high and his ritual to backfire! Tch, Zhuge Liang literally thought of EVERYTHING, didn't he…

Sima Zhunei: Err…okay, now that we finally know the reason, how can we get him back?

Jia Xu: Hey, you two are experts in black magic, right? Maybe we can turn him back by, I don't know, reversing the ritual or something?

Xun Yu: Yes, we can. But the problem is, we need the 'reverse weed' as well!

Sima Zhunei: Doesn't Shennong have a whole stash of all kinds of drugs? We can ask him.

Xun Yu: Okay, good. But now, we also need the 'reverse Zhuge Liang' that is not Sima Yi as well…hmm…

* * *

 _Cut to Xun Yu and Sima Zhunei conducting the 'reverse ritual' with Jia Xu tied to a pole._

Jia Xu: If you fuckers ever let as much as ONE scratch on my body, I swear I'm gonna kill you in a way that even Dong Zhuo would be horrified at.

Sima Zhunei: Relax, relax. If you're angry, then there's a chance this ritual will backfire.

Xun Yu: He's right. And besides, Zhuge Liang wasn't harmed in the original ritual anyway, so we will also make sure you won't be harmed, okay?

Jia Xu: Those words are SUPPOSED to comfort me. But no.

Sima Zhunei: Well, anyway, let's just get things started.

And so Xun Yu drank the tea infused with Shennong's 'reverse weed', and conducted the ritual when high. A large fireball formed in front of Jia Xu.

Jia Xu: **gulp** Argh, I know life in Earth is shitty…BUT I WOULD RATHER LIVE HERE THAN TO LIVE IN HEAVEN WITH THOSE JACKASS MYSTICS! AAAAAAHHHHHH!

The fireball was fired to Jia Xu, but fortunately, stopped midway and disappeared. Sometime later, Sima Yi suddenly entered the room.

Sima Yi: Ugh, the hell was I doing anyway? Savior of the people? Gimme a fucking break- OH MY GOD WHAT THE HELL?!

Sima Zhunei: Oh, uncle! You're finally back!

Xun Yu: Hehehe…ooh! What shiny stars! Hehe…

Jia Xu: Whoa…gee, so it worked.

Sima Yi: I, tch- argh! You know what, I don't need explanation from you! GET! OUT!

 _And so Sima Yi, now back into being an asshole, kicked Jia Xu, Xun Yu (still stoned) and Sima Zhunei out of his house._

* * *

Okay then! As usual, please leave a review and have a good day! Oh, and need I remind you that over time, I kinda feel like this fic isn't really your typical 'X Answers Letters' anymore, but rather your usual parody fic with occasional letters segments. I hope this doesn't put you off.


	18. Chapter 17

_Time for more craziness!_

* * *

To: Cao Fenghuang

Gee, looks like I get locked inside my room for too long, eh? I don't even know who you are, not even from Lord Cao Cao himself!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Cao Fenghuang

Anyway, I suppose you can ask from Lu Su of Wu. He likes gardening, doesn't he?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Cao Fenghuang

Oh, you've returned. So how was it?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Cao Fenghuang

Burnt? Pffttt…I'm not surprised.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Cao Fenghuang

Well, in that case, you can go ask Shennong, since he has ALL kinds of plants imaginable.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Sima Zhunei

You know what, this is getting ridiculous.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Sima Zhunei

Because that's just what I think about this whole thing!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Sima Zhunei

Sigh…look, I don't know! If it's regarding Sima Shi and baozi, no one, and I mean, NO ONE, can't do jack shit about it. Not even the Mystics!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Sima Zhunei

So what can I say, well…just watch and see what happens next.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Sima Zhunei

Especially since you said your sister is a psycho girl, so yeah, fuck that shit. I'm not going to do anything about it. You Simas already gave me way too much trouble already.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Sima Zhunei

Argh! Okay, look, maybe you can, you know split, the giant baozi in two?!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Sima Zhunei

Why can't you?!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Sima Zhunei

In that case call, I don't know, Zhuge Liang's wife! She's supposed to be an expert in mathematics, isn't she? With that the baozi can be split in two perfectly equal sizes!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Sima Zhunei

I have to do everything, don't I?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Yueying

So, yeah, uhh…are you busy right now?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Yueying

Okay. Look, it might be weird to see me suddenly mailing you, but that's because we in Wei are facing a dire problem here.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Yueying

Long story short, we need your help. You're supposed to be an expert in mathematics, aren't you?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Yueying

Well, in that case, would you kindly use said talent to help us here?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Yueying

Look, it's a long story. It would be better if you just come here right away.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Yueying

What? Zhuge Liang?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Yueying

Umm…okay…maybe you should just tell him that you've got a job of teaching mathematics to the kids of Wei! Yeah!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Yueying

Well, that's because even we are really dumb at mathematics anyway.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Yueying

Okay, I'm waiting for you. Be quick!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Sima Zhunei

There, I contacted her. How's your cousin and sister?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Sima Zhunei

Wait, what?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Sima Zhunei

Damn, so the situation's getting dire.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Yueying

Hey, so where are you?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Yueying

What?! Well you gotta be fast! If you're not here in time the entire Wei capital will be in ruins!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Yueying

What.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Yueying

For the longest time I thought your husband is an asshole. But now, I found that YOU and your husband are assholes.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Yueying

I know, I know, I'm being hypocritical. Eh, no, I am not, because I at least admitted it.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Sima Zhunei

Okay, so how is it?!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Sima Zhunei

What?! Argh! Tell them to not destroy my house!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Yueying

Ah! Good, you're finally there! Okay, do you see a large house with a giant baozi on the top? The one who's been wrecked to ruins and covered with blood?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Yueying

Yeah, that! Go there, and a kid with a white fedora will explain everything. Though he might not be fully comprehensible. Oh, and be careful!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Sima Zhunei

So, how is it?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Sima Zhunei

What?! Even her?!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Sima Zhunei

Well, shit. You REALLY shoulda told her earlier.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Sima Zhunei

Argh! Anyway, we're in GREAT trouble right now.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Sima Zhunei

Of course! Your uncle's son and niece have just injured the wife of his greatest enemy. If Zhuge Liang found out about this, we're fuckin doomed!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Sima Zhunei

Right. But how?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Sima Zhunei

Huh? Missile?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Sima Zhunei

…hey. Hello? Hello!

Jia Xu

* * *

 _Just then, Jia Xu heard a very loud boom coming from the Sima household. As it turns out, Yueying has blown the entire house using her missile-cannon. And Zhuge Liang has also waged war against Wei for hurting his wife. Jia Xu looked out of the window and saw many dead Wei troops on the floor._

* * *

To: Ma Chao

Wait, what?! Geez, I know you're pissed off, but please don't use that much room for uttering Justice!

Jia Xu

* * *

 _Just then, suddenly the Xiliang army barged in Jia Xu's house. In an instant, Ma Chao barged in Jia Xu's room, where he sat typing emails._

Jia Xu: **jawdrop**

Ma Chao: Pant…pant…this is it.

Jia Xu: Ehh…umm…okay, could we just, you know…talk this over?

Ma Chao: NO! My name is Ma Chao, you and Cao Cao killed my family, PREPARE TO DIE! **throws spear**

Jia Xu: Whoa! **barely avoiding spear** Oh, come on! I didn't kill your family, only Cao Cao did!

Ma Chao: SILENCE! You may not have killed my family, but your tricks forced Uncle Han Sui and Master Pang De to serve that demon! And thus, I declare that a WORSE crime than killing my family! So you must DIE!

Jia Xu: Oh, come on! Okay, if I give Han Sui and Pang De to you back, will you spare me?

Ma Chao: NO! Listen, you have nowhere to run now! I've slain your entire clan, just like what Cao Cao did to mine!

Jia Xu: Really?

Ma Chao: **shows the severed head of Jia Chong**

Jia Xu: …okay, he's not actually my family, but…shit. **runs away**

Ma Chao: GRRAAAAAARRRGGHHHH! **enters Rage Mode** DIE! **throws spear**

Jia Xu: **barely avoiding spear** Whoa! Damn, that was close!

* * *

 _And so Jia Xu jumped out the window of his house, with Ma Chao following him. Jia Xu landed on the bloody corpses of Wei troops, which greatly disgusted him, and tried to run away from Ma Chao._

Jia Xu: Pant…pant… **stomps on horseshit** Shit! Huh, wait a minute…. **throws horseshit on Ma Chao**

Ma Chao: AAAAHHHH! ….wait, this is my horse's shit! But there's also a mix of my sister horse's...ahh, smells good!

Jia Xu: What the hell. **sees a horse up front** Ah! **rides horse** Hey! You! Get me away from him!

Ma Chao: HEY! DON'T YOU DARE STEAL MY HORSE TOO!

Ma Chao's Horse: NEEEIIIGGHHH! **goes frenzy**

Jia Xu: AAAAHHHH! Whoa! Argh! Stop! It! AAAHHHH!

Ma Chao's Horse: NEEEEEIIIIGHHH! NEIIIGGHHHH!

Ma Chao: Haha! You shall not escape this time! Accept your just judgment!

Jia Xu: Shit! Huh, wait a minute… **gets off horse** Hah! Take that!

Ma Chao: Huh?! Hey, wait!

Ma Chao's Horse: Neigh?

And so Ma Chao and his horse crashed onto each other, and they end up falling onto the ground, kissing each other.

Ma Chao: Oof…

Ma Chao's Horse: Neigh…

Ma Chao: Oh…heh…you know, I love it when you do that.

Ma Chao's Horse: Neighhh…..

Jia Xu: Ew.

* * *

 _And so Jia Xu ran away from Ma Chao and met the others who survived the horrible slaughter. This is very much the greatest loss Wei has ever suffered since Chibi. They proceeded to clean up the mess, and their lives went normal again, including Jia Xu. However, little do he knows about something unexpected that awaits…_

* * *

As usual, please leave a review and have a good day! Oh, and there will be a special chapter after this! So stay tuned!


	19. Chapter 18: A Special!

A special chapter! Okay, first of all, this chapter wasn't based on any particular letters, but rather as a tribute to Jia Xu due to today being a certain significant day on his life, you'll see why. Which is also the reason why I broke my promise of uploading this on weekends. Anyway, let's go on!

 **WARNING: A REALLY long-ass chapter and some serious tones unlike the previous chapters. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.**

* * *

 _It seems to be just any normal day for our favorite asshole-antisocial strategist Jia Xu. Well, for a certain definition of 'normal', but you get the idea. He woke up, took a shower, and opened his laptop._

* * *

To: Guo Jia

Oh, good morning too.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Guo Jia

For a certain definition of normal, but I sure do hope it won't be any crazier!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Guo Jia

Hm? Go outside? Why in the hell would I do that?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Guo Jia

Surprise? Oh god, I don't think it's really a SURPRISE anymore, considering what I've been through ever since I got this thing…

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Guo Jia

Huff…fine! …but if it turned out to be a prank, I swear I WILL kill you.

Jia Xu

* * *

 _And so Jia Xu went outside. However, there's suddenly a binding light coming from outside. He tried to go through the door, and how surprised was Jia Xu when he found literal Heaven on the other side. The Wei capital he once knew has been transformed into sky with fluffy clouds, along with many luxuries, beautiful nymphs, and classical music playing in the background._

* * *

Jia Xu: W-wha?! Whoa…is this…is this…Heaven? Where are the others? Hey! Hello! Anyone else here?!

* * *

 _He took a stroll throughout the fluffy clouds, trying to comprehend the situation._

* * *

Jia Xu: Huh…weird. I suppose if this is the Heaven, there would be Mystics around here? Or that kid Li Zhen? But no…this place is completely empty. Meh, not that I WANT them to be here, anyway, but still…huff…

Nymph: Oh, hi there handsome! Aren't you cute!

Jia Xu: Eh? Whoa!

Nymph: Tee-hee! Come on now, let's have some fun!

Jia Xu: Eh? Hehe, well I usually avoid wine and pretty woman, but since I'm free from all those worldly bullshit, I suppose having some fun won't hurt!

* * *

 _And so Jia Xu went to have a crazy-ass party with all the wine and the beautiful nymphs in the Heaven. Jia Xu has never felt so free in his life. No more bullshit emails, and the entire Heaven is his!_

* * *

Jia Xu: Ahahahahaaaa! Oh maaan! This place is AWESOME! No, no! Awesome doesn't even BEGIN to describe this! Hahahahaaa! I am the KING OF THE HEAVENS!

?: Hm? Oh, is that really you?! Hey!

Jia Xu: Hm? Hey, who are you? I thought there's no one else but me in this place…

?: Oh, Jia Xu! It's really you! My little darling!

Jia Xu: Uhh…pardon me, but who are you?

?: Huh?! How could you possibly forget about me?! I'm your mother!

Jia Xu: Mo…ther?! Is that really you?!

Jia Xu's Mother: Yes, of course! You forgot about your own mother?!

Jia Xu: Argh! I-I'm sorry! But really, you're supposed to be dead! How could you?

Jia Xu's Father: Hey, come on now! How could you possibly forget about me?

Jia Xu: AAAAHHHH! IT'S HIM AGAIN!

Jia Xu's Father: Huh? Son, what the hell is wrong with you?!

Jia Xu: STAY AWAY FROM ME, YOU BITCH ALIEN! You won't fool me this time!

Jia Xu's Mother: My dear, what are you talking about?!

Jia Xu: Gah! You! You kidnapped me once, claiming to be my father! You aliens won't get me this time!

Jia Xu's Father: Really, all this talk about aliens and kidnapping, just what drugs are you on now?!

Jia Xu: Eh… **realizing about the 'special plants' he took** …right. So…you're not an alien?

Jia Xu's Father: Well, of fucking course not!

Jia Xu's Mother: Seems like he suffered a great deal down there, didn't he?

Jia Xu's Father: Of course.

Jia Xu: So, umm…it's kinda shocking to see you two here. Really, I thought I'm alone in this place!

Jia Xu's Father: Haha! Well, forgive us. It took as a while to find you here.

Jia Xu's Mother: Know that we're here, you shall not be alone again, my boy!

Jia Xu: Tch…actually, I LIKED it when I'm alone. Sigh…

Jia Xu's Father: What did you just say?!

Jia Xu: Um, no, no!

Jia Xu's Mother: Anyway, it's great since now you're here to join us.

Jia Xu's Father: Yeah, it's been a while since we departed from that shitty land below, and now you're finally here, as well. I hope you have committed great accomplishments when you were still alive.

Jia Xu: Yeah, I know…wait, what did you say?

Jia Xu's Father: Eh? What do you mean?

Jia Xu: Wait a minute, you mean that I…that I…I'm DEAD?!

Jia Xu's Mother: Huh? Oh dear, it took quite a while for you to figure that out, eh?

Jia Xu's Father: Well, of course son. We're in Heaven now. What do you think?

Jia Xu: N-no! Shit, how the hell could I suddenly die?! I was alive and well just then! Argh, it's true that I got plenty of troubles when I was still alive, but this is bad! Argh! ….but hey, I'm free! Haha! And I also got to have lots of party! Haha! Oh well, I suppose being dead isn't all that bad.

* * *

 _And so, Jia Xu continued to party along with his parents. All are well, until suddenly someone barged in the Heavenly Palace._

* * *

?: OKAY, I'M BACK! HUH?! WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?!

Nymphs: Ahhhh! **run away and hide**

Jia Xu: Haha, so, I have this one- **realizing the person in front of him** Uhhh…who are you?

?: WHAT! HOW DARE YOU TO SPEAK LIKE THAT TOWARDS ME, THE JADE EMPEROR! I SHOULD BE THE ONE WHO ASK WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU!

Jia Xu: Aiiighhh!

Jade Emperor: WHO ARE YOU, AND WHAT ARE YOU, A MORTAL, DOING IN THIS SACRED HEAVENLY PALACE?!

Jia Xu: Aaahhh! I-I-I'm sorry, Your Majesty! Please, spare me! My name is Jia Xu, and I truly mean no wrong!

Jade Emperor: JIA XU?! AH, I SEE, ARE YOU NOT THAT ANTISOCIAL-ASSHOLE IN WEI WHO DO NOTHING BUT TO SIT ON YOUR ASS ALL DAY REPLYING EMAILS?!

Jia Xu: Shit, he called me- Um, I mean, YES, Your Majesty, YES!

Jade Emperor: AH, SO IT'S TRUE. I HAVE TO SAY THAT YOU HAVE QUITE A REPUTATION AMONG US, THE MYSTICS UP IN THE HEAVENS!

Jia Xu: Reputation?

Jade Emperor: YES! WHEN YOU WERE STILL ALIVE, YOU USED TO DISRESPECT US AND CALL US 'JACKASSES', IS THAT TRUE?

Jia Xu: Eh, um…yes?

Jade Emperor: WHAT! HOW DARE YOU TO DISRESPECT US! SUCH DISRESPECTFUL DOG DOESN'T DESERVE A PLACE IN THIS SACRED PLACE! GUARDS, TAKE HIM AWAY!

Jia Xu: What! No, no! Please forgive me, Your Majesty! W-where are you going to take me to?!

Jade Emperor: SOMEWHERE.

Jia Xu: Argh, why don't you just tell me already?! Like really, I suppose ANY place is fine, as long as it's not Earth…

Jade Emperor: BAH. WHO SAID THAT YOU'RE GOING TO EARTH?

Jia Xu: Oh, really? Then where?

Jade Emperor: JUST LOOK DOWN YOURSELF.

Jia Xu: Psh, why in the hell don't he just say where it is- **sees a flaming hell below him** AAAAAHHHHHHHH!

Jade Emperor: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! GUARDS, THROW HIM DOWN!

Jia Xu: Argh! G-gulp! Please, Your Majesty! Spare me! I was just kidding when I said I don't want to go to Earth, please don't throw me down here- AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!

Jade Emperor: HMPH. PRETTY SURE CHIBI'S HOTTER THAN DOWN THERE. AND ANYWAY… **bumps into Jia Xu's parents** AH, MR. AND MRS. JIA. PLEASE FORGIVE ME FOR THAT, I WAS JUST SHOWING YOUR SON HOW TO PROPERLY ACT IN FRONT OF HIS ELDERS. BECAUSE REALLY, SINCE YOU TWO ARE GENUINELY RESPECTFUL PEOPLE, I AM PRETTY SURE THAT YOU EDUCATED YOUR SON WELL.

Jia Xu's Parents: …

Jade Emperor: …RIGHT. I SUPPOSE THAT AIN'T THE RIGHT THING TO SAY TO THE PARENTS OF A GUY I JUST THREW TO HELL. OH WELL.

* * *

 _Meanwhile, Jia Xu was falling towards the flaming hell._

* * *

Jia Xu: AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH! Oof! AAAAAHHHHH! HOT! HOT! HOT!

* * *

 _After that long time, Jia Xu calmed down._

* * *

Jia Xu: Aaaaahh! Huff, huff…whoa. Is this…hell? Huh. Just like in Heaven, there's no one here. I suppose that would be pretty well, since having a crowd in this place would make it hotter. Huff…

* * *

 _Jia Xu walked along the fiery pits of hell, while avoiding fiery charcoals._

* * *

Jia Xu: Sigh…seriously, the hell's going on here? One minute I was in Heaven, but now I'm in hell. Not to mention that I suddenly died. Doesn't make any fucking sense…oh wait.

* * *

 _Jia Xu took his laptop (how? Don't ask) and mailed the one guy who (he suspects to be) the cause of all of this: Guo Jia._

* * *

To: Guo Jia

WHY DID YOU DO THIS TO ME?!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Guo Jia

I mean, look, you KILLED me. There's no other fucking explanation.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Guo Jia

Yeah! You sent me straight to the Heaven, but because I pissed those Mystics off I ended up being sent to hell!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Guo Jia

Eh? Umm…well, because I was having fun.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Guo Jia

But anyways, why the fuck did you kill me?! What did I ever do wrong to you?! Sure, I was a major asshole, but do you REALLY have to do this?!

Jia Xu

* * *

 _Later, he came across the sound of people talking._

* * *

Jia Xu: Huh? Hey, there's someone over there…

* * *

 _He went over to look, and how surprised he is when he found Dong Zhuo and his loyalists talking to each other._

* * *

Dong Zhuo: Gwahaha! Impressive, ain't it? We may not have gone to the Heaven, but hey, we could turn this place into my ultimate paradise too!

Li Ru: Of course, your might makes you the only one worthy to rule over this place, my lord.

Li Jue: Hahaha! This is great!

Guo Si: With you here, no one will dare to steal our spot!

Fan Chou: Hahaha! What others call Hell, we call it our Heaven!

Zhang Ji: Still, a shame that there are too few of us here, though…

Jia Xu: W-what the? Them?! **hides behind a rock** Fuck…am I really fated to be together with THESE guys?! All only because I called those Mystics 'jackasses'?!

Dong Zhuo: Hm? Is it just me, or that there's a sound coming over that rock?

Jia Xu: What? Shit! I gotta go away!

Li Ru: It seems to have certainly so, sir.

Dong Zhuo: Hah! Seems like we have a guest! Well, the more, the better! But since my ass is too heavy for me to move around, I need someone to fetch that guest for me!

Li Jue: Let me go, sir!

Jia Xu: Argh! Fuck, I gotta be fast!

Jia Xu tried to escape, but it was unfortunate for him as Li Jue managed to capture him.

Li Jue: Now, now, then, we're having a party over here! Why don't you- GASP! MASTER JIA XU?!

Jia Xu: Tch! You!

Dong Zhuo: So, who that was? Oh! Jia Xu! I never expected you to be here!

Guo Si: Yeah! Really, I suppose that's the reason why I've been feeling that this party's missing something…and it turned out to be you!

Fan Chou: Haha! Now that Master Jia Xu is here, this party is complete!

Zhang Ji: Yeah!

Jia Xu: Tch! Hell no!

Fan Chou: Hell no? Come on, you're already in hell now! So you shoulda said 'Hell yes!'! Haha!

Dong Zhuo: Aww…why so down? Look, I know that after my death, you entered the service of that fool Cao Cao. But you see, he rejected your advice, and look what happened to him!

Li Jue: Yeah! He was a fucking buffoon for not noticing your greatness, Master Jia Xu!

Guo Si: Of course! Now that you're here, we shall give you a part of our paradise! This hell is ours!

Jia Xu: What the?! Okay, erm…I thank you for your kindness, but-

?: WHO DARES TO DISTURB MY PLACE?

Everyone: Aiieekkk!

Dong Zhuo: Who…who's that?!

Orochi: Hah! You! Dong Zhuo! How dare you and your miscreants disturb this place!

Da Ji: Yeah! They have no respect for us! We shall destroy them!

Dong Zhuo: Aaahh! O-orochi! Tch! Listen! This place is ours, and anyone who attempts to take it will be crushed!

Jia Xu: The hell?!

Orochi: Gakh! Insolent fool! I shall flatten that oversized ass of yours! Come, Lu Bu!

Lu Bu: HAAAAAARRRRGGHHHH! YOU! DONG ZHUO! HOW DARE YOU TO STEAL MY PLACE! I'LL KILL YOU!

Everyone Else: AAAAHHHHH! IT'S LU BU!

Diaochan: Does your greed know no bounds?! It's bad enough that you want to steal the Heaven, but now the hell too?!

Jia Xu: Huh? Diaochan? Why are you here? I thought you're nowhere as bad as these mean fuckers…

Diaochan: Well, now I found out that wearing those scraps of threads and calling it 'clothes' means that I…you know.

Jia Xu: That explains it.

* * *

 _However, suddenly Lu Bu entered Rage Mode, and proceeds to beat the hell out of the Dong army. Orochi's army also curbstomped the entire Dong army, with only Jia Xu barely escaping the whole carnage. Again, he mailed Guo Jia._

* * *

To: Guo Jia

I mean, look at this! You've trapped me along with Dong Zhuo and Orochi! Eugh, I will KILL you for this.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Guo Jia

Pfftt, fuck no. I WILL drag you down to hell for this.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Guo Jia

Now Lu Bu and Orochi were beating the crap out of Dong Zhuo and his cronies! Only I barely escaped!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Guo Jia

Escape? How? HOW?! TELL ME!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Guo Jia

Look forwards? The hell do you mean-

Jia Xu

* * *

 _The moment he typed that, Jia Xu went through a door of light and ended up on the other side._

* * *

Jia Xu: Aaaargghhh! Guuhhh…w-where is this place?

* * *

 _This time, Jia Xu ended up in your typical Chinese city._

* * *

Jia Xu: W-what? Hey! I…I'm back! I'M BACK! Hahahahahaha! I'M BACK!

Some Civilian: Hey, is there something wrong with that guy?

Some Other Civilian: Yeah. He just stands there shouting in public, like a retard.

Some Civilian: I suppose it's for the best that we avoid him.

Some Other Civilian: Yeah. I mean, just look at his clothes. He could be a pirate…

Jia Xu: Whew! Man, it's good to be back again! Now then, I only need to find where everyone else is- **bumps into someone** Oof! Hey! Watch yo- Huh?

?: Oh! I'm so sorry Mister, I was in a hurry!

Jia Xu: Tch! Well, you run using your feet, not your eyes! So use them!

?: I'm terribly sorry, Mister. Please, why won't you come to my house?

Jia Xu: Hm? Well…fine then.

* * *

 _And so Jia Xu and the stranger went to the latter's house._

* * *

?: Okay, here we are! I hope you're able to enjoy yourself.

Jia Xu: Uh, yeah. (Weird…this place seems strangely familiar.)

?: By the way, where are you from?

Jia Xu: Me? I'm from Wei.

?: Oh, I see. That is quite a far place from here, I must say.

Jia Xu: Oh, really? (Far? I thought this place is Wei. Weird.)

?: So yeah, you must be hungry after travelling all the way here. Would you like some tea?

Jia Xu: Oh, yeah. Sure.

?: Here it is.

Jia Xu: Thank you. Hmm…you seem to be quite busy.

?: Ah, yes. This is because I am the tutor of Emperor Wen's son. So I have a lot work to do every day. Sometimes I don't even sleep!

Jia Xu: Really? Haha. Poor you. (So this guy is the tutor of Cao Pi's son, eh? It's weird. I've never known him before.)

?: How about you?

Jia Xu: Me? Eh…nothing worthy to talk about. I'm technically an advisor, but life's just too shitty for me there.

?: Oh, really? I suppose I can feel you. Eh, that came out dirty.

Jia Xu: Heh.

* * *

 _And so Jia Xu and the stranger talked for a very long time, and they seem to find out that they have a lot in common. Jia Xu and the stranger became close friends, with the stranger even offering Jia Xu to marry his daughter._

* * *

?: So, how about it? She's beautiful and smart, perfect for someone like you!

Jia Xu: Eh? Umm…I don't know, since I worry that she might not want someone like ME. Plus, I already have two sons!

?: Haha! It's alright! She's already known you, and is crazy about you! So just accept her!

Jia Xu: Hahaha…thank you. Hmm…you know what, we're already this close, and you haven't even told me your name yet.

?: Oh! Holy shit! How could have I forgotten?! I'm terribly sorry about it.

Jia Xu: Haha, it's alright. It's my fault, too.

?: Yeah, yeah. Anyway, my name is Jia Yi.

Jia Xu: Yeah, and I'm- …

Jia Yi: Eh? What's wrong?

Jia Xu: You…you said you're…Jia Yi?

Jia Yi: Uh, yes.

Jia Xu: …no. No! No way! **runs outside**

Jia Yi: Heeeyyyyy! Wait a minute, what's wrong?! How about your wannabe wife?! HEY!

Jia Xu: Shit…Jia…Yi? He's my ancestor! Huff…luckily I don't get to marry his daughter, lest I end up becoming my own ancestor! Seriously, where and WHEN am I anyway?!

* * *

 _Suddenly, in front of Jia Xu is a plank, written with the text:_

 _Chang'an, the capital of Han._

 _Year 172 BC_

* * *

Jia Xu: What…the…FUCK?! How the hell can I get all the WAY BACK HERE?!

* * *

 _Again, he mailed Guo Jia._

* * *

To: Guo Jia

You! How the hell did I end up here?!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Guo Jia

Look, I am now in the past! And I met my ancestor!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Guo Jia

Also, he offered me to marry his daughter, who's essentially my fucking great25 grandaunt! Look, don't play dumb. I KNOW you set all this up for me. TELL ME HOW TO GO. BACK. NOW!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Guo Jia

A portal at the palace?! You're nuts! I could get killed!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Guo Jia

Sigh…I hate you.

Jia Xu

* * *

 _Following Guo Jia's advice, Jia Xu disguised himself as a eunuch to gain entrance to the palace. Unfortunately…_

* * *

Guard: Huh? Hey, stop there!

Jia Xu: Argh! Shit!

Guard: Who are you?! You seem to be a eunuch, but I don't remember your face around here!

Jia Xu: **with a girly voice** Uh, um, yeah! It's because I was in audience with the Emperor all the time, I never got out of his room!

Guard: Oh, really? Then why did you come out now?

Jia Xu: Oh! Um…to get some fresh air, of course! Hahaha…

Guard: Huh, okay…hm! You said you're an eunuch, but why do you have a beard over here? Huh?!

Jia Xu: What? Oh, no! Please don't pull it! It's an extension!

Guard: Extension? Huh, it must be a really strong extension, then. Speaking of which, what's your name, anyway?

Jia Xu: Oh, umm, my name is…Jia Xu!

Guard: Jia Xu? Hm, are you by chance related to Jia Yi?

Jia Xu: Oh, of course! I'm his father's second cousin, thrice removed's nephew's former roommate's dog's former owner!

Guard: Hmm…okay, then. Sorry for bothering you.

Jia Xu: Oh, it's alright! (Phew…damn! Tch, I'm SO going to kill Guo Jia for this).

* * *

 _And so Jia Xu managed to escape the guard's inspection, and went to search the portal Guo Jia told him about. He found it, unfortunately for him, his disguise went off._

* * *

Jia Xu: Okay! That's the portal! I need to go through it and- **robe slips off** Ah! Shit!

Guard: Oh, anyway, I need to ask whether you- **Metal Gear Solid alert sound effect** What! It's a trespasser!

Jia Xu: Fuck!

Guard: Alert! Alert! A trespasser!

Jia Xu: Well, shit! **runs away**

Guard: That one with the blue turban! Capture him!

Jia Xu: Tch! GAAAAHHHH! **jumps through portal**

* * *

 _Jia Xu went through the portal and arrived on the other side._

* * *

Jia Xu: Oof! Ow…that hurts! Huh, okay, now where and WHEN am I?

* * *

 _He landed in a place that he recognized as the capital of Wei, Luoyang._

* * *

Jia Xu: Oh, so I'm back? But for some reason, I'm not so sure. Ergh...

* * *

 _He walked along and suddenly found a black teddy bear on the street._

* * *

Jia Xu: Eh? What's this? **picks up teddy bear**

* * *

 _At that moment, an email came._

* * *

To: Xun Yu

Oh, Wenruo! Yes, yes, I'm here!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Xun Yu

Argh! I KNEW it! You were behind this all along!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Xun Yu

I mean, come on! I've visited Heaven AND hell, and almost became the son-in-law of my ancestor!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Xun Yu

Oh? You mean this black teddy bear is yours?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Xun Yu

Oh, so THAT'S the reason...well, since I'm back of the correct place and period I suppose it'll be alright.

Jia Xu

* * *

Jia Xu: Haha! I'm finally back! After all of that shit journey I'm finally back! Now I will only need to return this sacrificial teddy to Xun Yu and everything will go as normal as before!

* * *

 _Cue to Luoyang in flames and ruins due to an attack by giant robots._

* * *

Jia Xu: And now, I just- WAAAAAHHHHHH!

* * *

 _Jia Xu runs frantically to save himself from the giant robots, who've destroyed almost everything. He suddenly came across the corpses of the Wei generals. He became extremely horrified. However, Cao Cao is still alive._

* * *

Jia Xu: What the...who...who could've done this?!

Cao Cao: Oh...? At...last...it's you! **holds Jia Xu's feet**

Jia Xu: GAAAAHHHHH! IT'S A ZOMBIE!

Cao Cao: I'm NOT a zombie! Gakh...

Jia Xu: What?! L-lord Cao Cao?!

Cao Cao: Argh...Jia Xu...you came out of your fucking room...just...NOW? Look at us now...

Jia Xu: My lord, I'm very sorry, I-

Cao Cao: Gakh...that's enough explanation! Listen, Jia Xu...everybody else are dead, and I will soon follow them as well. You're...the only one...alive...please, Jia Xu, you have to defeat these giant robots! I don't know who they are, but it seems they have a connection to those aliens a long time ago...argh...I won't last longer...please, you're our savior! Auuiiiggghhhhhh... **dies**

Jia Xu: What the hell?! Hey, come on! I can't do it! Hey! Lord Cao Cao! Oh fuck, he's dead!

* * *

 _Amidst of the chaos, Jia Xu suddenly heard a string of curses coming from his own house._

* * *

Jia Xu: Wait, who's in there?!

* * *

 _He entered his house and came upstairs to his room, where he found an old man with such long-ass white beard it makes Guan Yu's look like your average Welcome carpet found in front of your houses, cursing at the front of his laptop._

* * *

?: Gah! Fuck all of these bullshit! My life has always been complete crap! Well, hell no! I won't be coming out until all of these riotic chaotic fucking-banger mess has ended!

Jia Xu: Hey! Who the hell are you and what are you doing in my house?! And my laptop?!

?: What the...is that...is that me?

Jia Xu: Wait, what?

Old!Jia Xu: Ah, I see...so you've came here from 20 years ago...I'm sorry to see what this world has become...

Jia Xu: Wait a minute, so you're ME from the future?!

Old!Jia Xu: Eh, umm...sorta. The more appropriate term is that YOU are ME from the past.

Jia Xu: What the fuck?! I...I will end up like you?!

Old!Jia Xu: Uh, yeah.

Jia Xu: But that isn't even possible! I'm not supposed to age like THAT! I have eternal youth!

Old!Jia Xu: Beh, I never knew my younger self was this foolish...and yet I still remember all of those messy adventures I had with the others! All due to this danging thing! **points to laptop**

Jia Xu: Uhh...I know what you feel.

Old!Jia Xu: No, you don't! Sigh...look, I know that I too, used to curse at things, but now I know that it's pointless. So, the best course for me is just that to ignore everything and just sit my ass here.

Jia Xu: You mean you've never been outside for 20 years straight?!

Old!Jia Xu: Exactly. Sigh...listen, kiddo. All of these disaster, everything you've seen before you know, all happened because of my foolishness of even having this thing at the first place. I know you want to avert this, so please, don't make the same mistake as I did!

Jia Xu: But I-

* * *

 _Suddenly a robot blasted Jia Xu's house._

* * *

Jia Xu: Aaaaahhhhh!

Alien: Hahaha! I've finally found you!

Jia Xu: Gah! You!

Alien: Ohoho, that's right! Remember me? **zips open bodysuit**

Jia Xu: Gasp! You! The one who impersonated my father!

Alien: Impersonated? Ohoho...of course not! I'm the real deal, believe it!

Jia Xu: Impossible! I met my REAL father at the Heaven! You can't trick me this time!

Alien: Really? Well dang. Guess we have no choice then. **charges a blaster**

Jia Xu: What the? Whowhoawhoawhoa wawawait-

* * *

 _As soon as the blaster's fired, Jia Xu suddenly ended up at another place._

* * *

Jia Xu: Oof! Okay, where the hell did I end up this time?! Tch, I'm SO going to kill Xun Yu for this.

* * *

 _He found himself in front of the Han Palace, and there's a plank with the text:_

 _Luoyang, Capital of Han_

 _168 AD_

* * *

Jia Xu: What the?! I went 40 years back! Huff...well, this is the time before all of those shit falling on the Han happened, ain't it...

* * *

 _Then, Jia Xu looked at a drunk person coming out of the palace. He was surprised when he realized that it's, infact, his younger self._

* * *

Young!Jia Xu: Ahahaha...hic! Ooohhhh...maaannnn! That crazy party was FUN! Hic! Grrrhh...

Jia Xu: What the?! Oh my god...is that- no no, scratch that, WAS THAT ME?! Dear lord...I never thought that my younger self was basically Guo Jia! Oh well, at least I used to look pretty enough, heheh...those pretty boys sure ain't got anything on me- Oof!

Young!Jia Xu: Oof! Hey! Use yo fucking eyes! You don't know who the fuck I am?! I'm the Mighty and Handsome Jia Xu! Outta my fucking way! Hic!

Jia Xu: Grrrr...okay, you little fucker, you know who I am?!

Young!Jia Xu: Eh? Who?

Jia Xu: I'm you from the future!

Young!Jia Xu: Gasp! Really?!

Jia Xu: Yes!

Young!Jia Xu: Oh my god! Will I really grow up into a creepy terrorist?!

Jia Xu: What the- **smacks Young!Jia Xu** For the last. FUCKING TIME. I. am NOT. A TERRORIST!

Young!Jia Xu: Yeow! AAAHHHH! A terrorist attacked me! AAAAHHHH!

Jia Xu: I am NOT a fucking terrorist! Seriously, get off that wine!

Young!Jia Xu: Oh, so you're not?

Jia Xu: Oh my god... **facepalm** I never knew I was THIS idiotic, eh...

Young!Jia Xu: Oh, okay then. Oh, oh! Since you're from the future, would you please tell me what happened? Will I meet prettier girls and more wine?

Jia Xu: (Ye gads...NOW I know why I forgot how my younger self used to be...) Huh. You REALLY wanna know?

Young!Jia Xu: Yes! Yes!

Jia Xu: Okay, listen up. First of all, that building right in behind you? It will fall in 16 years due to the activities of a crack-smoking Hippie Jesus who seemingly wants to die so he can meet his 'HEAVENNSSSSSS!'. After that, an ugly-as-fuck walking mass of fat will come and sit on it's throne, and you will be forced to serve him. After THAT, more shit happens between him and other linguistically-dysfunctional warlords, and I'm skipping more shit because they're not that important. Basically, you will serve one man, whose defining characteristic is his name being repeated name of a certain farm animal, and his whole fuckshit-ton of mentally disabled crew, and a blond-drunk-playboy and a creepy-ass black mage will be the closest people you can actually call your 'friends'. After that, you'll basically do nothing but to sit on your ass all day inside your room and sometimes getting in trouble that isn't even your fault. Oh, and all of those wine and pretty girls you dreamed of? They'll all be stolen by the same blond-drunk-playboy I mentioned. How's future life for you, huh?

Young!Jia Xu: ...

Jia Xu: So?

Young!Jia Xu: ...you have any idea how I can avoid all of those?

Jia Xu: You really want?

Young!Jia Xu: **nods**

Jia Xu: Well, simple. Just quit your current fucking job and continue getting drunk and being with pretty ladies. If a certain man inquires your talents, do not, and I say, DO NOT, heed him. Even if he comes for you three times, just simply ignore him.

Young!Jia Xu: Oh, okay! Gee, thanks a lot, future me! With this, I guess I won't turn out to be a creepy terrorist like you-

Jia Xu: I'M NOT A TERRORIST!

Young!Jia Xu: Yikes! Okay, okay, I'm sorry! Oh well then, I'm going to quit my job tomorrow! Good bye! **runs away**

Jia Xu: Bye! Whew...guess this way, then all of that future shit won't happen, right...

* * *

 _He then found an email from Xun Yu._

* * *

To: Xun Yu

Hey, you! You never told me that giant robots has attacked our future!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Xun Yu

What the hell- Argh, you know what, nevermind. The thing is, I'm suddenly sent back to the past and met my younger, drunk, pervy, and prettier version of myself! Now tell me how to go back!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Xun Yu

Time paradox? The hell was that-

Jia Xu

* * *

 _Suddenly the world around Jia Xu was suddenly warped, and he ended up in a worse future than the one he tried to avoid, namely, where the Yuan family has defeated Cao Cao and united the entire China under the Yuan dynasty banner._

* * *

Jia Xu: Wha...what?! Yuan Shao has killed Cao Cao?! How is this possible?! And, argh! He put his statues everywhere! And everything's gold! Sparkly gold! Argh, my weak little eyes!

Guard: Hm? Hey, you! You're arrested!

Jia Xu: Wait, what the hell?! What's my goddamn fault?!

Guard: You're guilty for not wearing the scared color yellow and worshiping the statues of The Great and Absolutely Fucking Magnificent Yuan Shao!

Jia Xu: What the fuck?!

Guard: And for that, you shall receive the punishment of spanking by The Great and Absolutely Fucking Magnificent Yuan Shao Himself!

Jia Xu: Oh, fuck my life. **runs away**

Guard: What?! Guards, capture him!

Jia Xu: Argh! Shit, this future's WORSE than when we're attacked by giant robots! I need to find a way where I can avoid this!

* * *

To: Xun Yu

Hey, you there?!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Xun Yu

Yes! I've got another bad future- no, scratch that, WORSE future! Now Yuan Shao rules the entire land! What should I do?!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Xun Yu

Sent to the future? The hell do you mean?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Xun Yu

The good one? Okay, I don't have a very good feeling about this, but do it!

Jia Xu

* * *

 _And so Jia Xu was suddenly sent to the future by Xun Yu, and now landed at Luoyang, in the good future, at least._

* * *

Jia Xu: Oof! Okay, now where and WHEN am I?

* * *

 _There's a plank that has the text written on it:_

 _Luoyang, Capital of Jin_

 _305 AD_

* * *

Jia Xu: Oh, so Jin's ruled the entire country?! How the hell can an even dysfunctional version of Wei can- **bumps into someone, again** Oof! Sheesh, how many times I told you- USE YO- eh?

?: I'm terribly sorry, Mister! Please, pardon me! I ran too fast because there're too many business to attend today!

Jia Xu: Huh…okay.

?: Please! To show my sincere apology, come to my house! **drags Jia Xu by hand**

Jia Xu: Uh, wait! Ah!

* * *

 _The stranger brought Jia Xu to his house, which eerily resembles Jia Xu's own house. Havign experienced this before, Jia Xu is suspicious, but he tried to remain calm._

* * *

?: Whew! Okay, now, what do you want?

Jia Xu: Umm…anything you want, really! I don't even ask you to apologize to me.

?: That's because my life is doomed if I was ever found guilty of some fault!

Jia Xu: Oh, come on! You only bumped to me! I don't think that's a big deal!

?: You don't understand! Those people at the court…they're crazy! I don't know what are they scheming, but I heard that numerous officers of the court have been executed for something they didn't even commit or even for the smallest of fault!

Jia Xu: Well, damn! It must suck!

?: I know right. Hm, it must have something to do with the Emperor being a literal retard. Which is why I have to live EXTRA careful to save my ass!

Jia Xu: I see. I assume I can sympathize with you.

?: Oh? Really?

Jia Xu: Well, he may not be a LITERAL retard per se, but still a bit off his rocker. He executed many of his advisors for simply disagreeing with him and giving what I feel better ideas than what he had in mind at that time! Which is why I am kinda antisocial…that, and other thing…

?: Heh.

Jia Xu: Anyway, what's your name? We've only met and we suddenly talked a lot of things regarding the shitty imperial court.

?: Oh, right! Pardon me, my name is-

* * *

 _Suddenly, there's a large explosion that caused the stranger's house to be destroyed._

* * *

Jia Xu: Wha…WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?!

?: Oh, just as I suspected.

Jia Xu: W-who?!

?: It's the brother of the Emperor, Sima Wei.

Jia Xu: Why would he come here and destroy everything?!

?: I don't know. The rumors said it's to kill Sima Liang.

Jia Xu: AND HE HAS TO USE ROCKET LAUNCHERS AND MINICANNONS TO DO IT?!

?: Yes.

Jia Xu: That doesn't even make any fucking sense!

?: Well, you see, technology in Jin is far, FAR more advanced than in Wei, Wu, and Shu. In the past, people used to use magic. Now? Pfft, well fuck that shit! TECHNOLOGY RULEZ!

Jia Xu: Ehhh...right. I suppose I can relate to that. You don't know what it's like to deal with those fucking black mages...

?: Black mages? Ah yes, I remember that.

Jia Xu: You do?

?: Yes. I remember about it when my father told me about all the hilarious struggles HIS father had regarding those! Oh man...I've never laughed so hard as when back then. I spent my childhood well.

Jia Xu: Huh...right.

?: Anyway, we've talked for this long and you haven't even told me YOUR name yet.

Jia Xu: I thought I was the one who asked you first?!

?: Well...just do it, really!

Jia Xu: Well…I'm Jia Xu.

?: Gasp! No…way! You're my grandfather!

Jia Xu: What?! Grandfather?!

?: Whoa…I can't believe it! I never knew you get to live THIS long! And you still look pretty young! Hot damn!

Jia Xu: Whoa whoa whoa wait! Who are you and why did you call me your grandfather?!

?: My name's Jia Mo!

Jia Xu: Oh, shit!

* * *

 _Just at that precise time, there's another explosion that struck Jia Mo._

* * *

Jia Xu: AAHHH! Y-you okay?!

Jia Mo: Argh…no…I can't die…just yet!

Jia Xu: Hey!

Jia Mo: Ugh…at least… would you tell…me…how to gain…eternal youth…?

Jia Xu: Oh, fuck it.

* * *

 _Just at that precise time, another explosion occurred as well, which also struck Jia Xu this time. He passed out for a long time, before he found himself waking up at a different place._

* * *

Jia Xu: Uhhhrrghh…w-where is this?!

* * *

 _He found himself in a strange world composed of weird colors and strange geometric shapes. Not only that, he also found other strange occurrences similar to the drug trip he took before, as well as hearing strange noises._

* * *

Jia Xu: What. The. FUCK?!

* * *

 _During his confusion, Jia Xu met a mysterious gentleman standing._

* * *

Jia Xu: Huh? Someone's there! **runs towards the mysterious person**

?: Ah. Greetings, Jia Xu. I was expecting you here.

Jia Xu: Huh? You know me?

?: Haha! Of course! I know everything, after all. Here, let me tell you, you suddenly get stranded in Heaven, then in hell, then in the past, and the future just now, yes?

Jia Xu: Yes, yes!

?: Hahaha…so it's true.

Jia Xu: Uh, okay. First of all, who are you and where are we?!

?: Oh, right. I forgot to tell you. This world is a limbo between existence and nonexistence. Essentially, if you go up to the front side, you'll end up in the world. But go to that side on the behind, and you'll cease to exist.

Jia Xu: Well, fuck. That's terrifying. And you are?

?: Hahaha…my, of course! I am… **rips open clothes** …Guo Jia!

Jia Xu: HUH?! WHAT! FENGXIAO?!

Guo Jia: Hahahaha….bet you're surprised, aren't you!

Jia Xu: Of course! Grr…you! Explain everything!

Guo Jia: Hahaha…come on now, there's no need to be so angry! That was quite a trip, right?

Jia Xu: Up my fucking ass! Argh, you know what, that doesn't matter now. What matters NOW is that you have to bring me back!

Guo Jia: Bring you back? Ah…that's a pity. I have no such intent.

Jia Xu: What?! What the hell do you mean?!

Guo Jia: Hahaha…come on now, do you think that after all that jackassery of yours you've shown at us, and we will just let you be?! Well, hell no! We've decided that our lives will be much, MUCH fucking better without you! And yes, we thought that murdering you could be quite messy, so…

Jia Xu: Wait, what the?! …oh no.

Guo Jia: We decided to just throw you on that side! **points behind**

Jia Xu: What the hell?! You've said it that whatever's thrown at that side will cease to exist!

Guo Jia: Precisely. **drags Jia Xu towards the 'nonexistence' side**

Jia Xu: Wait, what the?! Come on! Let me go! This is going too far! Hey! Please, I thought we are friends!

Guo Jia: Friends? Pthah. I was the one thought that we're friends, not YOU. So since our relationship is one sided…we have no choice but to part ways. **throws Jia Xu**

Jia Xu: Hey! Seriously, fuck you! And that sounds so gay! Hey! AAAAAAHHHHHHHH!

* * *

 _And so Jia Xu ended up at the 'world of nonexistence', where it's said that whatever's in there will cease to exist for all eternity._

* * *

Jia Xu: Argh! GUO JIA! I SWEAR I'LL GET YOU FOR THIS! …huff, so what's this place? The place of everything that doesn't exist? It's dark! And there's only sand! Tch…how could Guo Jia have possibly done this for me?! Argh! Fine! I'll try to get out myself! After all, I managed to escape from Heaven, hell, the past and the future! There must be some way to get out of here!

* * *

 _Jia Xu walked along the dark desert. But besides the occasional rolling tumbleweed, unlike the previous four locations he visited, there's absolutely nothing._

* * *

Jia Xu: Argh…where the hell am I actually?! HELLO! ANYBODY THERE?! ANSWER ME!

* * *

 _And so Jia Xu walked across the dark desert again, but even after around 3 hours or so, there's no end to the road. Jia Xu became extremely exhausted. He almost entirely lost hope._

* * *

Jia Xu: Gah…pant…pant… **falls down** Ah! Grrhh….why…is there no way out?!

* * *

 _He tried to stand up, but no matter what he did, he just simply ran out of energy to go on._

* * *

Jia Xu: Pant…pant…what…actually…happened? Am I…fated to die here? And cease to exist for all eternity? Away from my friends and associates, who will forget about me? The people that I've known for my entire life….? Why….why? Is this my just retribution of being a jackass to almost everyone in my life?

* * *

 _Immediately his mind flew back to the first day he ever got his email account. The first day of his endless troubles brought by the likes of Guo Jia and Xun Yu, his two closest friends. He remembered when Yue Jin asked him for help because of Li Dian's black magic. The day when Xun Yu went psycho thanks to Xu Shu's evil clone and the drugged rums. The day when he got to go to two boat races and won on very unlikely odds. The day when he got to put up with Li Dian's black magic shenanigans and searched for his son Li Zhen. The day when he went through a hardcore drug trip thanks to Shennong's 'special plants'. The day when the entire China has to face a disaster of 'boulder-baozi' rain, and how he saved the day. The day when Guo Jia beat him up senseless, causing him to turn into a nice guy. The day when Sima Yi turned into a Liu Bei 2.0. The day when Shu almost destroyed Wei because of a giant baozi. And any other days of him answering letters. Jia Xu starts to cry._

* * *

Jia Xu: Tch…I…I…I know I have been a massive asshole all this time…and how I wished…I never got this thing at the first place…and how I always complained about my life being terrible…but now, after looking back…I kinda love those days. Sure, they bothered the hell outta me to no end, but the fact that I've got to do it with my allies in Wei…..and became quite an unforgettable experience….kinda makes it worth it. But instead…I cursed everywhere and to everyone, even to Guo Jia and Xun Yu, the only people in Wei who could trust me. Tsk…I was an idiot…it just seems that….I am fated to die here….alone. Then again…I suppose…everyone's lives would be better….without me. Tsk…tsk…but, if only I could give everyone one last apology for all of my jackassery before I go, I can go in peace. But…no. I can't even apologize to them for everything that I've done….tsk…tsk...please…if…anybody…could hear this…I…I'm so sorry. I'm….sorry….tsk…tsk…

* * *

 _After uttering those despair-filled words, Jia Xu closed his eyes and prepared to depart for good, away from everyone and everything in his life, still with his tears rolling._

* * *

Jia Xu: …goodbye.

 _._

 _._

 _._

 _._

 _._

 _._

 _…..however._

* * *

Jia Xu: ….. **hears his laptop ringing** ….huh?

* * *

 _He was surprised when he heard the sound._

* * *

Jia Xu: Wait, what?

* * *

 _He immediately opened his laptop. And how surprised was he when he found an email._

* * *

Jia Xu: Huh? How could this be?

* * *

 _He immediately opened it, and he became even more shocked when he found who it was from: Guo Jia._

* * *

To: Guo Jia

…Fengxiao?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Guo Jia

Wait…why…why did you suddenly mail me now? And I thought you've forgotten about me?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Guo Jia

Fengxiao…I…I…

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Guo Jia

Wait a minute, so you've heard ALL of that? But how?!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Guo Jia

Oh, yeah. Touché. But still, I don't understand!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Guo Jia

Look forwards?

Jia Xu

* * *

 _When Jia Xu turned forward, he found a portal of light. Following Guo Jia's words, he went through it, and ended up in an empty, dark room._

* * *

Jia Xu: W-where is this?! Huff…calm down. Whatever it is, I'm ready for it.

* * *

 _He continued walking, and found a light switch. When he turned it on, he was extremely surprised upon seeing what's in front of him._

* * *

Everyone in Wei: **holding a cake tart with the candles 1793** HAPPY 1793rd DEATHDAY JIA XU! **cheer and clap hands**

Jia Xu: **jawdrop**

Guo Jia: Ahahaha! Bet you're surprised, aren't you!

Jia Xu: Whoa whoa whoa whoa! What…what?!

Xun Yu: Hahaha! Okay, you may not understand what is going on here.

Jia Xu: Indeed I do not know! …1793rd deathday?

Sima Yi: Here, let me explain it to you. Your historical self died at year 223, at August 11th!

Jia Xu: Oh?

Sima Yi: And that day is today, which means that you've been dead for exactly 1793 years!

Guo Jia: So we decided to celebrate it!

Xun Yu: Yeah! It took us a week to prepare this, you know!

Jia Xu: So…does that mean that I'm not dead?

Li Dian: Haha! Of course not! It's just a mental trip we made for you to surprise you!

Yue Jin: Unfortunately, it seems to have ended up to be too strong for you. I hope you're not angry.

Jia Xu: ….hehehe. Hahahahahahaha! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh my god, you guys are so messed up. I thought I was gonna die there!

Cao Cao: Hey, let me through.

Jia Xu: Eh? Oh, Lord Cao Cao!

Cao Cao: Jia Xu, I, along with everyone else in Wei, are all aware about your accomplishments which have greatly contributed to our kingdom.

Cao Pi: Which is why it's such a pity that you died exactly this day, 1793 years ago.

Cao Cao: Indeed, it's true. And so, we decided to honor your accomplishments by this celebration. Sure, it may not be your birthday, but it's alright since you died a great contributor to our kingdom. Which is why me and my son decided to give you this. **gives Jia Xu an ice tablet with scriptures**

Jia Xu: Oh, what is this?

Cao Pi: It details your entire life journey, from how you rose up as major player of Dong Zhuo, to how you became a major foe for father, and to how you served Wei until it is what it is right now.

Jia Xu: My lord, I'm truly honored.

Jia Mu and Jia Fang: Dad!

Jia Xu: Oh? My sons! Hahaha, gee, you two grew up so fast!

Jia Mu: Of course, dad!

Jia Fang: We want to quickly grow up so that we can be just like you.

Jia Xu: Well, I'm waiting for that.

Jia Mu: Oh, oh! **pulls out a book** Here, dad!

Jia Xu: Oh, what's that?

Jia Fang: Me and brother made it exclusively for you, dad! It shows you how awesome you are!

Jia Xu: Awww…thank you! Daddy loves you!

Jia Mu and Jia Fang: Yay!

Dian Wei: Hey, you!

Jia Xu: Eh, what? **get punched** Ow! Why would you do that?!

Dian Wei: Well, since this is your deathday, I suppose it would be alright to make you ALMOST die, wouldn't it?

Jia Xu: Oh, come on! If this is my birthday, would you try to make me born again?! Besides, that was a long time ago!

Dian Wei: Hahaha! Well, consider it my present to you!

Jia Xu: Heh.

Cai Wenji: Um, excuse me, I'd like to give this poem for you.

Jia Xu: Why, thank you! Gee, that's very kind of you, considering I didn't get a poem in the novel or by anyone before.

Wang Yi: Also, this is for you. **gives Jia Xu a horse statue**

Jia Xu: Oh, thank you! Umm…it's a fine gift, but I don't see why you would give it to me.

Wang Yi: Well, I remember how you managed to scatter the forces of Ma Chao and defeated him, and I like you for that.

Jia Xu: Oh?

Wang Yi: So, whenever you feel bad, just beat up this horse.

Jia Xu: Oh, wow…that's….quite a peculiar gift.

Wang Yi: Hehehe. Don't take it the wrong way. **winks**

Jia Xu: Eh? Heheh. **blushes**

Li Zhen: Hey! Uncle Xu!

Guo Yi: Hey, I'm the first to give this to him!

Li Zhen: Me!

Guo Yi: ME!

Jia Xu: What? Now now, boys, please don't fight.

Li Zhen: Ah! Uncle Xu! Here! **gives Jia Xu a pet dragon**

Jia Xu: Oh? Hahaha…thank you! Though I kinda worry if it would someday go out of hand…

Guo Yi: My turn! My turn! **gives Jia Xu a pet phoenix**

Jia Xu: Thank you! Hahaha…it's a complete duo, eh?

Li Dian: Here. **gives Jia Xu a voodoo doll of himself**

Jia Xu: Oh, thank…uh, what is this?

Li Dian: Well, I thought you would like having a doll of your shape? Hehe.

Jia Xu: That way I suspect if you think that I have suicidal urges. The doll is kinda weird, but thank you nonetheless!

Yue Jin: Hey, my turn! **gives Jia Xu a whole month's supply of milk**

Jia Xu: Uh…Yue Jin, what's with all this milk?

Yue Jin: Well, I drink a lot of them yesterday because I'm short. And since you too, kinda, I thought I would like to help you.

Jia Xu: What?! You're calling me short?!

Yue Jin: Aieekk! Please don't kill me!

Jia Xu: Huff…oh well. It's alright. Thank you.

Fu Xi: Haha. Seriously, a party without US? What a pity.

Nuwa: Hm, seriously. Why must we visit HIM? He called us jackasses.

Shennong: Well, today is the day when he DIED, after all.

Jia Xu: Whoa! It's…it's you! Gulp, please! Forgive me for calling you jackasses! Please don't throw me into hell again to be with that gluttonous asshole!

Nuwa: Hahaha…he seems to be getting the rough end of things, doesn't he?

Fu Xi: Well, can't entirely blame him.

Shennong: Anyway, we're here because we too, wanted to give you a gift!

Jia Xu: Gifts? For ME? From YOU?

Nuwa: Haha…of course. What do you think?

Fu Xi: Yeah. Well anyway, this is quite a special gift, you see.

Shennong: Yes. This is Fu Xi's big-ass sword adorned with Nuwa's ice decorations, and some of my beautiful flower decorations. We'd like you to have it.

Jia Xu: Whoa! Gee, this is really an extravagant gift! And considering I've been calling you 'jackasses' all the time…

Nuwa: Hahaha. You know what, it's actually alright.

Fu Xi: After all, there's NO ONE else but you to actually have balls to say that.

Shennong: Oh, speaking of which, these are also gifts from your friends from Japan.

Jia Xu: From Japan? **opens a large package with written with "To: Jia Xu From: Your Japanese friends**

* * *

 _There, the first gift is from Mouri Motonari. It's a book titled "The Bright Star of Wuwei", along with Motonari's note._

 _Dear Jia Xu,_

 _I heard that today is the day you died, exactly 1793 years ago. To honor you, I've decided to print a Special Limited Edition version of this biography of yours, signed with my very own and Takakage's hands! Hey, let me tell you, this book is VERY successful here! People love it!_

 _Signed your Japanese friend, Mouri Motonari._

 _P.S.: Hello! This is Takakage speaking! Thank you for everything you've taught me, Master Jia Xu! Now I get to build Japan's fastest boat! All because of what I learned from "Tale of Chinese Flyer" father made me!_

* * *

 _And he took a giant teddy bear, by Akechi Mitsuhide._

 _Dear Jia Xu,_

 _When we first met, I might have been an asshole to you for injuring my boyfriend. However, you were kind enough to play with Gracia while I'm busy, and so she took a liking towards you. And so, she made this giant teddy bear for you as a thank you. I too, thank you for making my girl happy._

 _Signed Akechi Mitsuhide_

 _P.S.: Hey Uncle Jia Xu! It's me, Gracia! Hey, thank you for accompanying me while Daddy was away, so I made this teddy bear for you! It's really soft and fluffy! I hope you'll like it! :3_

* * *

Jia Xu: Hehe.

Sima Yi: Okay, now's my turn. **gives Jia Xu a black magic tome**

Jia Xu: Thank you! …errr, what is this? No, I'm not going to indulge in black magic.

Sima Yi: Oh, really? A shame though, because I prepared it exclusively for you…oh well, you could always learn some low-level spells from it, in case of emergency. Oh, my sons also gave gifts to you, but since they're not here I'm the one to give it to you.

Jia Xu: Oh, what's this? Err…a giant box full of baozi? And a PS4 with Dynasty Warriors 8: Xtreme Legends and Empires games?!

Sima Yi: Uh, yeah. The first is from Shi, the last is from Zhao.

Jia Xu: That makes sense.

Xu Zhu: Hey, come on now! When's the party? Let's eat the cake already!

Sima Yi: Just wait a minute! Speaking of which, he made the cake.

Jia Xu: Oh, right. Em… **clears throat** …all of you guys. This, this surprise you all made for me, I…I can't truly express my feeling. Er, I don't know. I have mixed feelings about this. On the other hand I'm happy because that means you all still care about me despite my jackassery, but on the other hand, I thought if it was my jackassery that made all of you to be so happy at my death.

Guo Jia: Hahaha, no, no! That's not it! Here, listen, when you were still sleeping at yesterday midnight, we already gathered at the Wei Palace. And there, we built a giant wood statue of you at one of our boats, burned it using a fire arrow, and everybody cheered! Then we had lots of partying! It was a lot of fun! Man, indeed we admit, it's kinda fun without you around to fuck us around with your jackassery.

Jia Xu: Huh. Really.

Xun Yu: Well now, don't keep us waiting! Blow the candle and make a wish!

Jia Xu: Ehh? Erm, I frankly do not know what to wish, really…

Guo Jia: Come on, we all know that your life is full of shit! So wish for anything!

Jia Xu: Sigh…alright, then. **blows candle**

Everyone: WHOOO! **clap hands**

Guo Jia: Alright! Okay everyone, it's gonna be one crazy party!

Everyone: WHOOOO!

* * *

 _And so everyone began to party to celebrate. There were lots of chaos around, but overall, everybody had lots of fun, including Jia Xu himself. He thought that while life may be harsh and really unfair to him at times, at least he had all of his friends and allies who still care for him, despite him being overall an asshole towards them the entire them. After the party was over, Guo Jia and Xun Yu had to escort Jia Xu back to his home because of something Zhang He did to him._

* * *

Jia Xu: Gaaarghhh…whew! Man, it's so fun to be back at your own house!

Guo Jia: Well, considering all the shit you went through, that's understandable.

Jia Xu: Shut the hell up! ….naaah, just kidding!

Xun Yu: Hehehe.

Jia Xu: Yeah, anyway…thanks for everything.

Guo Jia: You're welcome, my dear friend.

Jia Xu: Heh…friend…before, I never actually took that term seriously. But now…

Xun Yu: Oh, by the way I have to go home now. I have a lot of mess to take care of in my house to conjure up that mental trip. You okay?

Guo Jia: We're fine. So…what about now?

Jia Xu: Well, I suppose I now know what a true friend will do. And mind you, for all this, what? Around 50 years or so in my life I never actually had someone I can truly call my 'friend'. But ever since you came to me…

Guo Jia: Don't mention it. Oh, that's right! I forgot to give this to you! **gives paper dolls of him, Jia Xu, and Xun Yu to Jia Xu**

Jia Xu: Huh? What's this?

Guo Jia: Well, it's something I and Xun Yu made as our gifts to you. I'm sorry that I forgot to give it to you at the party.

Jia Xu: Heh, it's alright. Better late than never.

Guo Jia: Right. Oh, I'm also kinda tired after that hell of a party. I wanna go home now.

Jia Xu: Goodbye, then.

Guo Jia: Goodbye, too. Oh, I forgot.

Jia Xu: You seem to have a knack for forgetting things. What is it?

Guo Jia: Umm…so…what did you wish for?

Jia Xu: What I wished for? Well…

Guo Jia: Hm?

Jia Xu: …oh, you know.

Guo Jia: ….ooohhh. Okay. Well then, I'll go now. Take care!

Jia Xu: Take care!

* * *

 _August 12th, 2016_

* * *

 _Jia Xu, again, went through his usual routine of waking up, taking a shower, and getting ready for more crazy emails. Just when he sat down to open his laptop, he found a message in a bottle._

* * *

Jia Xu: Hm?

* * *

 _He opened the bottle, and found this message:_

 _Dear Great Master Jia Xu_

 _So, how was it, eh? Haha! I'm sorry for making it a bit too tough for you, but hey, you're Jia Xu! You can withstand anything! Ain't it right eh? Eh? Hahaha! Ehem, I'm sorry. I became a bit of rabid fangirl here. So, here's what I want to say to you._

 _I have to say to you that I literally fell in love at you at the first sight. Okay, maybe not QUITE falling in love, but I somehow became instantly hooked at you and thought that you could be quite an interesting guy. Then I get to learn more about you, from the games, novel, and history, and BOY. You're the BOSS. You're just a really great guy from whenever I see it. Game, novel, and history! So that's how I became your fangirl. And even though you're 27th place out of 77 characters in the latest popularity poll, which means that you've got quite some followers other than me, I still think that you're somewhat underrated, especially when compared to Sima Yi and your best bud Guo Jia. And so, when I learned about your death at this precise day, 1793 years ago, I decided to celebrate your deathday (if that's even a word) by writing this one chapter. You died a great hero to Wei, and I hope that many others to come will know of your legacy. And so, this is my tribute for you, easily the most underrated Wei strategist. If someone's not gonna do it, then I will. Others may have their own favorites, but you will always be the 1# in my heart. I present this just for you. I hope your wish will come true. Take care :3_

 _Rest In Peace, you sneaky weasel._

 _Signed your greatest fangirl, the Author_

* * *

After reading the message, he looked at all of the gifts he received that he's arranged all around his room. He then remembered his big trip and the surprise his friends made for him. He then looked back at the message, and smiled. Maybe life isn't quite as shitty as he thought to be. It has its own troubles, yes, but sometime, life can be kind to him. A bit too kind, infact. Still smiling, he opened his laptop and checked his inbox, wondering about what next unforgettable experiences that might await him.

* * *

Okay, to be honest this doesn't really feel like a fitting chapter, but I just HAVE to put it in. Not to mention it's really fucking long, enough to be an entirely separate 3-chapter story, but I suppose it's alright. And no, this is clearly NOT the finale. It's right there at the ending. I will definitely have to continue and finish this fic! So please leave a review and have a good day!


	20. Chapter 19

_After that one hell of a surprise party, let's go back to the original lane, shall we?_

* * *

To: Li Zhen

Okay…first of all, thanks for the cakes. Though they taste like shit. And second, huh, really? I thought I sent you the pdf versions.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Li Zhen

Well, that explains it. Anyway…what are you doing?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Li Zhen

Yes, I know! But still! This is supposed to be freaking autumn! You'll freak people out!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Li Zhen

Sigh…where are those Mystics anyway?! I thought they would watch over you and your shenanigans so that you won't end up like your father?!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Li Zhen

Oh lord.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Li Zhen

Sigh…fine. As long as you don't create a blizzard then I guess it'll be fine.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Xu Zhu

What?!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Xu Zhu

First, fuck your crops. They're terrible. And second, blame those Mystics for this, not me!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Dian Wei

BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Poor you!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Dian Wei

Oh come on, it's your fault for being bald at the first place! If you have fabulous, silky hair like me then you won't be cold, haha. Well fuck, did I really just say that? Sounds like I'm turning into Zhong Hui. This is bad.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Guo Jia

What? You've got a date? Since when?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Guo Jia

Oh. Wow. And now you wanted to date her but can't because of the sudden winter?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Guo Jia

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Seriously, I can't express how I truly pity you. No, I'm serious.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Guo Jia

Here? For what?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Guo Jia

Listen kid, I've told you once and I'll tell you again: I'M NOT YOUR EMERGENCY BOYFRIEND. Now go jack off to some porn or something!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Cao Cao

My lord, I believe that one kid in the Heavens up there caused all of this.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Cao Cao

Freezing? Well, I thought it would be alright? You're The Ice King, after all! Hey, it'll make for a nice Ice Palace! Hahaha!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Cao Cao

Geez, okay, okay, I'm sorry. Couldn't you just ask Xiahou Dun or something? Or hell, those guys at Wu.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Cao Cao

Dead? Weird, I thought Fire is super-effective against Ice, not the other way around.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Cao Cao

What the?! OVERTIME?! And really, Xun Yu?! You don't know the slightest FUCK of what will happen if you let that kid around me! And, really? The Giant Cursed Baozi?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Cao Cao

Sima Yi? Okay, I suppose he can explain it. But anyway, if I'm not getting a raise outta this, I'll BURN you into tasty, crispy flakes. Hey, that's what you want from me earlier, right?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Sima Yi

…okay. First of all, the whole story sounds like complete bullshit, but since this is from you (or maybe DESPITE), I suppose I'll believe it. Then again, I get a feeling that this really is just you messing around with me, but ah hell.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Xun Yu

Hey, so you'll with me in that overtime shift, right?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Xun Yu

Well, I know right. Coupled with this sudden early winter...

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Xun Yu

But anyway, let's just make things clear later night: DO NOT DO YOUR GODFORSAKEN FUCKED-UP MAGIC.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Xun Yu

Good.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Villagers of Tianshui

What the- Oh, right. I think I know who to blame for this.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Villagers of Tianshui

Yes, yes, I'll be there. Wait for me.

Jia Xu

* * *

 _And so Jia Xu instantly went to Tianshui and found Orochi and his underlings sending many monstrous youkai to the village._

Jia Xu: Argh! They're everywhere! Oh, wait, is that Taigong Wang? Hey!

Taigong Wang: Oh! Jia Xu! You're finally here!

Jia Xu: Of course! But really, you're supposed to be the one guarding these creatures! What happened?!

Taigong Wang: Well, I simply slipped a bit, but that's not the problem!

Jia Xu: The fuck do you mean that's not the problem?!

Taigong Wang: Problem is, Orochi already brought a much, MUCH stronger weapon than these! You have to be EXTRA careful!

Jia Xu: Tch, what weapon anyway? Huh?

Orochi: Bwahahahahaha! I've been waiting for you, Jia Xu!

Jia Xu: What the hell do you mean?!

Orochi: Ohohohoho….I've already known that these villagers WILL ask help from YOU, of all people. But I suppose it's now the time to unleash my secret weapons! Come forth, my moe youkais!

Touhou characters: Kyaaaa!

Jia Xu: What the fuck?!

Taigong Wang: Aaaahhh! They're so…cute! So…moe! I'M GONNA DIE! AAAHHH! **faints**

Jia Xu: Hey! Oh fuck, the hell's with all these moe-bullshit anyway?! Don't they think we have enough underaged-and-overpowered females in our world already?!

Orochi: Wahahahaha! You've been through a lot of shit, Jia Xu, but do you think you can withstand THIS?

Touhou characters: **releases a ray of XTREME moe-ness**

Jia Xu: Argh! What…what is…what is this horrible, malevolent aura?! It's…it's making me sick! I wanna puke! Aaaahhhh!

Orochi: Hahahaha! Precisely! Now! This is our chance! FINISH HIM!

Touhou characters: HYAAAAHHHHH! **fires danmaku**

Jia Xu: What the-

 _A massive explosion occurred thanks to the danmaku from the 150+ characters._

Orochi: Haha! He's dead! Now, NOTHING can stop me from dominating the world with XTREME moe-ness!

Taigong Wang: Argh…hey…could I at least…have one of those…?

Orochi: Shut up!

Taigong Wang: Aww….

Orochi: Okay! Now that Tianshui's finished, we shall march further to the Wei capital! They won't be able to withstand this- eh?

 _However, when the smoke subsides, Orochi is extremely shocked when he found that Jia Xu, is infact, still alive._

Jia Xu: Tch…the hell was that attack anyway? So flashy, bright, and colorful…it made my eyes sick.

Orochi: W-w-wha…?! How?! HOW COULD YOU?!

 _Later, a graze counter appeared floating above Jia Xu, which shows the number: 9999999999999999999._

Orochi: …..no…no! NO! THIS CAN'T BE! IT'S OVER 9000! THAT'S CHEATING!

Jia Xu: Heh. Sure it can. And now…

Orochi: RUN! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!

Touhou characters: KYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Orochi and his moe-youkai army ran away in fear.

Jia Xu: Whoa, gee, that sure was fast.

Tianshui Villagers: Oh! Master Jia Xu! Thanks, thanks a lot for saving us!

Jia Xu: Eh, yeah. Though frankly, I didn't really do anything. But anyway…

Taigong Wang: Waaahhh! Where did those moe youkais go?! I wanna have some of them, too! WAAAAHHHHH!

Jia Xu: …yeah. Okay then, my job here is done, so I'm off.

* * *

 _And so Jia Xu went back to Wei to prepare for the overtime. Later that night, Jia Xu and Xun Yu went to the frozen palace of Wei. They split their tasks, with Jia Xu cleaning the front part and Xun Yu the back part. They continued working until the sacred time of 1.34 AM._

Jia Xu: Whew! Gee, this place is so big! Not surprising, considering how many bitches and kids Lord Cao Cao has. It will be easy to get lost in this place. Oh well, I'd better go check on Xun Yu-

 _However, suddenly the lights went out._

Jia Xu: AAAHHH! W-who's there?! Tch, how the fuck can the lights suddenly go out?! Did Lord Cao Cao forget to pay the electric bill again?! Huff…stay calm, Jia Xu, it's alright. It's not like there'll be suddenly a giant baozi popping up or something- eh, wait. That's exactly what Sima Yi told! Could this mean- eh, nevermind, nevermind! I don't believe in supernatural bullshit like this. But still, it's too goddamn dark in here! How the hell can I possibly walk around and meet Xun Yu?!

 _Just when Jia Xu was thinking, he suddenly heard a whizzing sound._

Jia Xu: Whoa! The hell was that?! Huff…okay, back to how I can see shit in darkness like this. Hmm… **snaps fingers and releases small flickering flame** What? **does it again** Argh! Almost! Tch! God! Damn it! **does it multiple times, and finally succeeds** Ah! Finally! Huff…been a long time since I used this to light around stuff. But it's still way too dark! Oh well, at least I'm not in complete darkness again.

 _So Jia Xu tried to navigate the big-ass Wei palace to get to Xun Yu, but to no avail as the place is still too dark for him, sometimes causing him to burn things. When he finally got to the door leading to the palace's backside, however, he found that it's locked._

Jia Xu: What the? It's locked?! Huff…oh well, maybe I can go outside and towards the back that way- eh?

 _Suddenly Jia Xu noticed something on the floor. He lights up with his finger-flame, and how terrified was he when he found Zhang He's corpse at the floor._

Jia Xu: WAAAAHHHHH! ….fuck! Seriously, that almost gave me a heart attack! …Z-zhang He? How could he?

 _He examined Zhang He's corpse further. His body was bloody and ripped apart, and strangely enough smells of fried meat._

Jia Xu: What?! What the hell could've done this?! Gulp…this is getting terrifying…but really, I gotta admire Zhang He for being able to maintain his typical 'beautiful' pose. Eh…

 _He continued walking towards the front door, while being extremely fearful of all the weird shit that happened. He finally reached the front door, and…_

Jia Xu: Okay, now…wait, what the fuck?! IT'S LOCKED TOO?! Argh, I'm practically trapped here! Shit...do I really have to wait until morning so that someone will come in and open the door for me?! Besides, I still don't know how Xun Yu's doing. Hope he's not doing his black magic ding-dong again…

 _So Jia Xu walked all over the palace trying to find a way out, but to no avail. All possible entrances/exits are all locked, so he's stuck._

Jia Xu: Argh! What the fuck is seriously going on here?! It's been two hours! Huff…maybe I should just stay here in this hallway. But really, the one thing that I DEFINITELY don't want is Zhang He's corpse suddenly coming to life and raping me. Oh god. **shudders**

 _So Jia Xu sat down in a nearby couch to wait. Suddenly he heard a blood-curdling scream coming from behind._

?: Okay! All work's done! Now- Whoa! The hell's that?! Whoa, wait, WHAT ARE YOU?! AAAAAAAAAAAKKKKKKKKHHHHHHHHHHHHH-

Jia Xu: Gasp! What was that?! Wait a minute….oh god, NO!

 _So Jia Xu ran outside, attempting to check on Xun Yu, but as said before, all entrances/exits are locked._

Jia Xu: Oh, shit! Argh! Xun Yu! HEY!

 _However, Jia Xu later noticed blood seeping from the other side of the locked door._

Jia Xu: ….no. No no no no no NO! ARGH! WHY WON'T THIS GODDAMN THING OPEN?! Hey! Xun Yu! Come on now, hang in there! Don't die! HEY! YOU HEAR ME?!

 _Later, he felt a shadow rising behind him._

Jia Xu: …. **turns around** …oh shit.

The Giant Cursed Baozi: RRRRAAAAAWWWWRRRR! **eats Jia Xu**

Jia Xu: AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! **wakes up, sweating**

 _Luckily for him, it was all just a dream._

Jia Xu: Man, fuck! That….that's scary as hell! And… **looks at Zhang He's corpse** Oh. Good thing he stays dead.

 _After having that dream, he immediately remembers about The Giant Cursed Baozi Sima Yi told him about._

Jia Xu: Wait a minute….lights out? Locked doors? Killed eunuchs (Zhang He)? …oh no. Gulp….shit. If that's true then that means it's going to eat me AND Xun Yu! Oh my god…but still, if we're both trapped here, then we're both fucked! Shit, shit shit shit shit shit…I have to be EXTRA careful now.

 _Jia Xu walked around in the hallway he's trapped in, sometimes playing around with Zhang He's corpse, though he's still terrified should it suddenly come to life. It happened well until an hour later._

Jia Xu: Hmm…ah, so it's nearing 5 AM now! I guess I just have to wait a little longer until Lord Cao Cao busted us out! Until then, I suppose I- eh?

 _He suddenly heard sounds of gongs._

Jia Xu: W-w-what?! Ah! W-w-who's there?!

 _And then, suddenly, he heard a blood-curdling scream from behind._

?: Okay! All work's done! Now- Whoa! The hell's that?! Whoa, wait, WHAT ARE YOU?! AAAAAAAAAAAKKKKKKKKHHHHHHHHHHHHH-

Jia Xu: Gasp! Oh, NO! XUN YU!

 _He immediately ran towards the door to the backside of the palace, though it is again, locked._

Jia Xu: Shit! Ergh! Come on! Hey! Xun Yu! Hang in there! I'm coming! Argh! Open! UP!

 _Surprisingly enough, Jia Xu managed to open the door (read: Smash through the door), and he's extremely shocked upon seeing Xun Yu's corpse on the floor._

Jia Xu: Gasp! No…NO! NO WAY! HEY! WENRUO! YOU HEAR ME?! DON'T YOU DIE ON ME?! ANSWER ME?!

Xun Yu: Argh… **coughs blood** …Jia….Xu….

Jia Xu: Ah! You're still alive!

Xun Yu: Gargh….Jia…Xu….I….wanna….tell….you….some…thing….argh…. **coughs blood again**

Jia Xu: What? What is it?! SAY IT!

Xun Yu: Argh…behind….you….blegh. **dies**

 _Then Jia Xu felt a shadow rising behind him._

Jia Xu: … **slowly turns around….**

The Giant Cursed Baozi: Grrrrhhhhhh…..

Jia Xu: …AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

The Giant Cursed Baozi: GGGRRRRARAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH! **strikes Jia Xu, but misses**

Jia Xu: GAAAAHHH! Shit, that was close! Argh! **avoids another hit**

The Giant Cursed Baozi: WAAAARRRRGGGHHHH!

Jia Xu: Argh! Shit, I need to avoid him! Whop! Haha! You missed! **disappears**

The Giant Cursed Baozi: RWARGH! GRARH! RHARG?! **scratches head**

Jia Xu: **appearing from behind** Take this! **unleashes his spinning fire musou**

The Giant Cursed Baozi: RWARGH?! GRARARARARARARRRHHHHH! GRAWGH! RAWGH! GYAHRGH! GWARUWAWAWAWAWAWAWAAAAAAAAAA! **runs around holding his flaming ass**

Jia Xu: Huff…pfffttt….AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA! That's so funny- **avoids another attack** Whoops! Gee, I have to use another tactic! Umm…hey! Look above!

The Giant Cursed Baozi: RAWRGH? **looks upwards**

Jia Xu: **coming from above** HYAAAAHHHH!

The Giant Cursed Baozi: RWARRRGGGHHHHHHHH! GYAWH!

Jia Xu: Hahaha! I've got you now! You killed my friend, PREPARE TO DIE! Hyah! Hyah! Take! THAT! **beats up The Giant Cursed Baozi**

The Giant Cursed Baozi: RWARGH! GWAW! GROWOWOWOWOWOW- uh, Ow! Ouch! Argh! Stop! IT! AAAHHH!

Jia Xu: Uh, what? Wait, you talked like a human!

The Giant Cursed Baozi: That's because I AM! **zips open costume** Aurgghhh…..now get off me, this makes us look so gay.

Jia Xu: W-wait…XIAHOU DUN?! Wait, what-

 _Then the lights went back again._

Jia Xu: Huh? Hey, the lights went back again!

 _He also saw Xun Yu waking up._

Xun Yu: Uhhrrgghhh…man, this ketchup is getting all sticky all over my body! I better go home and wash it off-

Jia Xu: What?! Wenruo, you-

Xun Yu: Oh. Umm….right. You know, I can't explain everything because I seriously need to go home now and take a shower. I'm sure you'll understand. Bye.

Jia Xu: **jawdrop**

Sima Yi: Ahahahahahahaha! HAHAHAHAHA! **claps hands** My, my, that was some MAGNIFICENT thing I've watched! Xiahou Dun, you've done a great job!

Xiahou Dun: Tch! Well, since I only have one eye I keep missing him! He burned my ass too! Besides, this costume just looks ridiculous on me!

Sima Yi: Ohoho, there's no need to be so sad, now. Didn't you feel happy being able to beat HIM up?

Xiahou Dun: Beat HIM up? More like HE beat ME up! Argh, seriously, I need to go home now and take this darned thing off before either of my two cousins saw me in it.

Sima Yi: What? Nonononono, here, just give it to me. Sima Shi will kill me if I don't leave ANY leftover baozi for him to eat.

Xiahou Dun: Hmph. Saves me the trouble.

Sima Yi: Good, good. Now, then, Jia Xu….

Jia Xu: You…you…!

Sima Yi: Ahaha! That's right. I was the one who made up that whole "The Cursed Giant Baozi" thing to mess up with you, and I was observing you all along from the CCTVs! And MAN! That was the BEST laugh I ever had in 20 years! Pfffttttt…BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAA! HYAKAKAKAKAKAKAKAKAKAKAKAKAKA! WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! **rolls in the ground laughing**

Jia Xu: ….what.

Sima Yi: WAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA! …owh…my god! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAA!

Jia Xu: **stares at Sima Yi with that 'What-the-fuck' face**

Sima Yi: AHAHAHAHAHAHA! Owh…oh…huff…okay! I'm…very sorry for that! Hehe. So! You wanna know what happened here, right?

Jia Xu: You know what, practically at this point I don't fucking care anymore about anything, but ah hell. Just to conclude this travesty.

Sima Yi: Okay, okay, ehem. So, I essentially made up that whole myth! There's really no such thing as "The Giant Cursed Baozi"! Hahaha! Hell no! I had Yue Jin to close all windows and lock all of the doors inside the palace, Pang De to beat up the gongs, and, as you've seen, Xiahou Dun as "The Giant Cursed Baozi"! Plus, Xun Yu also agreed to take part in the whole thing! Oh, and, that wasn't really Zhang He's corpse, anyway.

Yue Jin: Hey, don't blame us!

Pang De: Hm-hm.

Zhang He: Ah! How terrifying it must be for me to die in such an un-BEAUTIFUL way!

Sima Yi: Okay, okay, you know what, you three can go out now. We are having a private conversation here, without any shady subtexts. Excuse us.

Yue Jin, Pang De and Zhang He: Okay. **leaves room**

Jia Xu: ….wow. Why? Just….why?

Sima Yi: Why? Haha…simple. I was just getting a revenge at you for what happened when I get turned into a saint!

Jia Xu: Oh, come on! IT WASN'T EVEN MY FAULT! I TRIED TO TURN YOU BACK, YOU KNOW THAT?!

Sima Yi: Ah, yes, I know, but I don't know, it just feels so fun to see you screaming around like a little girl! Hahaha! Oh, and if you want, I could upload those CCTV recordings to Youtube! It'll garner 20 million views or so in no time! After all, people love to fall for those kind of fake scary shit and make them viral, anyway!

Jia Xu: …..hehehehehe.

Sima YI: Huh?

Jia Xu: Hehehehehehehe. Hahahahaha. Hahahahahaha! HAHAAHAHAHAHA!

Sima Yi: Uh, umm…hello?

Jia Xu: Hahahahahahahaha…grrrrhh…you…YOU! **enters Rage Mode**

Sima Yi: Umm…welp! At least it's all done! **runs away**

Jia Xu: HYAAAAHHHHH! COME HERE YOU LITTLE FUCKER! **chases Sima Yi**

* * *

 _Outside of the Wei Palace_

Cao Cao: Yawn…oh man, it's morning, and still winter like before! Oh well, I wonder if Jia Xu and Xun Yu have done their- **opens door, knocked down by Jia Xu chasing Sima Yi** WHOA! Hey!

Sima Yi: Oh! Good morning my lord! I'm sorry, but I need to handle this one business right here! YAAAAHHHH!

Jia Xu: AAAAAAARRRRGGGGHHHHH!

Cao Cao: What the?! Ehem, you know what, I don't really care. What I REALLY care is whether Jia Xu's done his job! Now, let's see…. **sees the messy, bloody (actually ketchup), full of ashes Wei Palace** …WHAT?! Grrr…..JIAAAAAAAAAAAAAA XUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!

* * *

 _While Cao Cao was cursing around at the worse-than-bad condition of the Wei palace, a mysterious being can be seen coming out from behind…_

?: Hrrrrrrrhhhhhh…

Cao Cao: I mean, come on, look at this- Eh? Who's there?!

?: Grrrrhhhhhhhhh… **disappears**

Cao Cao: …tch. Weird.

* * *

 _Okay, about that ending, take of that whatever you will. Anyways, I hope you enjoyed it! Good day!_


	21. Chapter 20

_Craziness is coming!_

* * *

To: Cao Cao

What the fuck…where did you get it anyway?! And besides, this is winter. OF COURSE, there'll be blizzard. That, or maybe you're the reason Li Zhen even created this blizzard at the first place. So yes, the Heavens clearly don't approve of you wearing this fucking thing.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Cao Cao

 **after seeing the photo on Instagram**

Okay, you know what, fuck you. Now, don't expect me to come out of my room sooner or later because you've just molten my fucking eyes.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Zhenji

I'm sorry, but I can't come out now because of that picture your father-in-law posted on Instagram. No, I'm not asking you to see it. Just…ask him about it. Don't end up like me or the others.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Zhenji

Well, but anyway, I DID hear about this whole K-pop thing, from those girls at Shu if I'm not mistaken. Essentially, it's a genre of music where a bunch of pretty boys in silly costumes do some sillier dance to some really peppy and ear-deafening music. Doesn't matter if they can actually SING or not, they ALWAYS have their fangirls. Wait a minute…

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Zhenji

….alright. Guess I know the solution. Wait just a minute.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Zhenji

Oh my god. So you're not safe either. Okay, just wait, really.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Zhao Yun, Liu Bei, Ma Chao, Jiang Wei, Guan Ping, Liu Shan, Ma Dai, Guan Suo, Xu Shu, Guan Xing, Zhang Bao, Fa Zheng, Zhou Yu, Lu Xun, Gan Ning, Ling Tong, Zhu Ran, Zhang He, Cao Pi, Guo Jia, Yue Jin, Li Dian, Xun Yu, Sima Yi, Sima Shi, Sima Zhao, Zhong Hui, Xiahou Ba, Jia Chong, and Wen Yang.

Okay you guys, listen up. We're getting a bit of a company here, in the form of these Korean boybands who will conquer the entire China with K-pop. So far, almost all of the girls (and some boys, probably some of you) have been conquered with their FABULOUS looks and dance, and if this goes on then they'll take over the entire China. Now, only you guys can possibly save us. I mean, look at you! THIS is the true purpose of Koei turning you into pretty boys and making lots of fangirls flock to you at the first place! THIS is the time you'll put those 'fangirl-bait' faces to good use and save China! After all, this is also your chance to prove that YOU are all far, FAR prettier than them! After you've read this please come immediately to the Wei palace.

P.S.: For Liu Bei, being old isn't an excuse because your looks are all that matter.

P.P.S.: This is a dance battle, so don't bring your weapons.

P.P.P.S.: No, I am NOT participating as well.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Diaochan

Hey, you haven't been brainwashed by those K-pop boys, have you?!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Diaochan

Oh, really? That's a miracle. But anyway, I need you to come to the Wei palace, now!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Diaochan

Here, we need something to combat those K-pop boys. The best way is just to use OUR pretty boys, of course! And I need you to teach them how to dance!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Cai Wenji and Zhenji

Hey, okay, it's me again. So, I need you two to come to the Wei palace immediately.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Cai Wenji and Zhenji

Because I need your music to help us to combat those K-pop boys! Just hurry up!

Jia Xu

* * *

 _2 hours later, everyone have already gathered at the Wei palace, as Jia Xu has told them to._

Jia Xu: Alright you guys, now that we're already here, we're going to challenge those K-pop boys to a dance battle!

Jiang Wei: Um, but how? We can't dance.

Jia Xu: Which is why I've already prepared Diaochan here to teach you all how to dance.

Zhang He: Wha?! Then how about me?! I can teach them how to dance BEAUTIFULLY as well!

Jia Xu: Err…right. If you wanna help, then I'll be grateful.

Sima Zhao: But, how about the music?

Jia Xu: Cai Wenji and Zhenji here will help.

Zhu Ran: Ooh! Ooh! If you want, I could do the stage effects-

Jia Xu: NO, Zhu Ran. We do NOT need your fire here.

Zhu Ran: Aww…..

Jia Xu: Okay, but anyway! First of all, we need to change those costume of yours-

Lu Xun: Eh? What's wrong with it? I think all that we wear here are fine.

Ling Tong: Yeah, we already look very colorful and stylish. I don't think there's any need to change.

Jia Xu: I know, but they just don't look quite well when you dance on the stage later! We need someone to design the new clothes! Hmm….oh yes! Right! Fa Zheng! You do the tailoring for the costumes!

Fa Zheng: What the hell?! Why me?!

Jia Xu: C'mon! You literally carry around that cloth everywhere you go! You use it to SMACK people around! I'm sure you can use it to create costumes for everyone here!

Fa Zheng: Oh my god- Sigh…fine. But I WILL make you pay for this.

Jia Xu: Oh yeah. I WILL pay you for the money you use. Don't worry. Okay, after all is said and done, you all can begin your training under Diaochan, Zhang He, Cai Wenji and Zhenji. Remember, we don't have much time!

Zhao Yun: Huh? Then what will YOU do, then?

Jia Xu: Well, I'll simply return to my home and sit on my ass for a couple more hours until your training's done.

Ma Chao: What the?! This is injustice! You too, should join us!

Zhou Yu: Yeah! You brought us here, so you should be our leader in the battle against those boybands, too!

Jia Xu: What! Okay, first of all, just shove that justice bullshit up your ass, Ma Chao. Second, if I come with you, then we will practically have no chance! Do I look like your typical boyband member, huh?!

Guo Jia: Hahahaha! Come on now, Jia Xu, I KNOW that you're merely jealous at us for not being able to garner as much fangirls later.

Jia Xu: Sigh…look, I do this for the sake of our country, okay! I do NOT give a single slightest fuck about fangirls! As if having ONE crazy ass bitch right here isn't bad enough….

* * *

 _Suddenly a tiny teenager girl appeared on Jia Xu's shoulder and spoke with the Author's voice._

Mini-Author: Yay! I love you so much, Great Master Jia Xu! Ooh, your hair's so soft and fluffy! I wanna sleep on it! You're the greatest! Yay! **continues fangirling over Jia Xu**

Everyone else: **sweatdrop**

Jia Xu: …yeah, you get the idea. And I DEFINITELY do NOT want have MULTIPLE of this all around my body, so GET THE FUCK TO WORK ALREADY!

Everyone else: Whoa! Okay! Okay!

* * *

 _And so when the pretty boys went into intense training to face the boybands, Jia Xu went home._

Jia Xu: Okay! Now that they can go train by themselves, I guess I can- **hears an ear-splitting speaker sound from outside** FUCK! THE HELL WAS THAT?! **looks outside** Oh my god…those boybands! They're preparing for a concert! And….everybody except for the ones I prepared to battle them have already flocked to those boybands! Well shit, this is bad! Tch, I hope our pretty boys could make it in time…

* * *

To: Diaochan

What? Hey, why?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Diaochan

…..oh. Pffffttttttttttt.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Diaochan

Hahahahahahahahaha. No, really. If I were there then I too, can't help but to stare at those things. Let alone those immature boys!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Diaochan

No, I'm honest here! It's your fault for 'dressing' like that at the first place! Go dress in something more appropriate, for once! After that, you can continue the training.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Fa Zheng

Oh? So you've made the costume? That's great. Could you send the picture?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Fa Zheng

 **attached is the picture of the costumes**

Err…..okaaaaayyyyyy. It actually looks so ridiculous I can't even express it with words, but ah hell. We NEED to be more ridiculous than them to win! So fix!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Cai Wenji

What do you mean?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Cai Wenji

Well…I don't know, maybe ask Yueying? She can provide you with the necessary equipment.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Cai Wenji

Oh? You've already got it? Then let me hear it.

Jia Xu

* * *

 _After that, Cai Wenji sent Jia Xu an mp3 of her and Zhenji's music being synthesized using Yueying's synthesizer. The result was so incredible that it pushed Jia Xu onto the back of his room._

To: Cai Wenji

…..wow. Okay, the louder the better, so use it!

Jia Xu

* * *

 _2 hours later_

To: Diaochan

Oh really? The training's finished?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Diaochan

Ah, good, very good! Now we just need to march to battle those boybands and show which pretty boys are better!

Jia Xu

* * *

 _After that, Jia Xu went to the Wei palace to see how his own Chinese boyband has become. The newly-formed boyband showed the results of their 2-hour (?!) training, and Jia Xu was immensely impressed._

Jia Xu: Ahaha! This is truly magnificent indeed! Now, we need a name for this new boyband! Let's see…hmmm….

Wen Yang: Oh! Oh! I know! How about-

Jia Xu: Ah, yes! Exactly! We shall name it, "DWXSTARS"!

Wen Yang: ….I haven't even told you what my suggestion is.

Jia Xu: Eh, what?

Wen Yang: Oh, forget it.

Jia Xu: Okay! Now, we shall show those fucking sissies who's boss! Let's march on, boys! **walks away**

Guo Jia: **whispering** Psstt, is it now the time?

Xun Yu: It is. **walks towards Jia Xu**

Jia Xu: Hm? Xun Yu, what is it- **gets knocked out**

.

.

.

.

.

 _And finally, DWXSTARS marched on to the front of the Wei capital, where the rival boybands have prepared for their big concerts. However, the newly formed boyband DWXSTAR barged out of the Wei palace to challenge them._

* * *

Zhao Yun: Alright, you invaders! You may have brainwashed our females, but we're STILL the prettier boys! So, let's make a dance battle! Whoever garners the most fangirls wins!

K-pop Boybands: Hah! You all have been dead for more than 1700 and would dare to take us on! Very well!

* * *

 _And so the two boybands began a dance battle, and both sides managed garner equal amounts of fangirls. The battle is getting intense. However, the K-pop boybands managed to garner more amount of fangirls, thus putting DWXSTAR in a bad position._

Zhao Yun: Shit! They've already attracted most of our fangirls! What should we do now?!

Xun Yu: Hmm…so the time has come, indeed.

Ma Chao: What do you mean?

Guo Jia: Look, you see, we've anticipated in case this happened…

Xun Yu: So we've made a 'special weapon'.

Jiang Wei: Special weapon? What is it?

Guo Jia: But still, Xun Yu, don't you think it's a bit too early?

Xun Yu: We have no choice! Still…unleash 'Subject 891'!

So the 'Subject 891' was unleashed…and the result?

Fangirls: Yay! Yay! Ah, what's that bright light from behind- **turns around, gets nosebleed** AAAAAHHHHHHHH! **run towards DWXTARS's side**

Subject 891: Gaaahh…what…what the hell happen- ….what! What…the….FUCK?!

Xun Yu: Hahaha! Told ya it would work!

Zhao Yun: Wow…damn…he garnered more fangirls IN A SECOND than we did in A FUCKING HOUR.

Ma Chao: I know! This is injustice!

Guo Jia: Now quit that crap! Now, now, then… the interesting part is about to begin soon.

Zhao Yun: What?

In the background, you can hear the loudest scream out of the fangirls.

?: YAAAAYYYYYYY! THAT'S MY HUBBIE! MY HUBBIE JIA XU! YAYYYYY! GO GO GO!

Everyone else: **jawdrop**

Zhao Yun: What. The. HELL?!

 _Okay, wanna know what happened? We have to backtrack several hours back…_

.

.

.

.

.

Guo Jia: Xun Yu, what are we gonna do with him?

Xun Yu: Something. Trust me.

Guo Jia: But you haven't told me your plan yet!

Xun Yu: Fengxiao, trust me. What I'm gonna do will ensure our victory against those goddamn boybands. **puts out a bunch of photos**

Guo Jia: What's that?

Xun Yu: Oh, just a bunch of photos of Wenhe's youth days. Ohohohooo…I mean, just look at this.

Guo Jia: Hot damn!

Xun Yu: See? Here, how about another one?

Guo Jia: Whoa whoa whoa whoa! Holy shit! I…I never thought he was such a pimp! Basically me, but much more successful.

Xun Yu: Hahaha…see? It's pretty clear that Jia Xu used to be quite a chick magnet in his youth, with his FABULOUS looks and all…hell, even until now you can still feel the vibe, ain't it?

Guo Jia: Uhh…what are you implying?

Xun Yu: Oh, nothing really. So! What we REALLY have to do is to use it to win this battle!

Guo Jia: By how?

Xun Yu: Oh come on, how the hell can you not know! Here, I have this one age-reversing potion, and we can use it on him to get him into his 21-year-old self and steal all of those fangirls in an instant!

Guo Jia: You serious?!

Xun Yu: Uh-huh!

Guo Jia: B-but…it's WAY too overpowered! What I advise is, we only use him when it's really, really, REALLY fucking urgent.

Xun Yu: Ah! Good point. Okay then, now I shall pour this potion and- **BOOM!**

Guo Jia: WHOA! …so, how is it?

Xun Yu: Mmm, let's see…GASP! No, NO! THIS CANNOT BE! His…his bishie sparkles are too strong for our eyes! I'm going blind! AAAAHHHH!

Guo Jia: T-tch! Put him in the bag, quickly!

Xun Yu: Argh! Huff…okay, now that it's all said and done, we will march onto the battlefield now to combat those boybands! Let's go!

.

.

.

.

.

Young!Jia Xu: S-seriously! The fuck's going on here?! I…I thought I'm not participating in this?! And….the fangirls are flocking on me?! What the hell?!

Zhao Yun: AAAHHH! Jia Xu! You're our hero!

Everyone else: Yeah!

Young!Jia Xu: Whoawhoawhoawhoa wait a minute the hell do you mean- AH! Shit! These fangirls are crowding me! Save me!

Xun Yu: Whoops, I'm afraid we can't do that.

Guo Jia: Yeah, after all, this is your first chance in several decades to have this again, ain't it?

Young!Jia Xu: What the- What do you mean?! Argh! Get off me!

Xun Yu: Hohoho…those photos.

Young!Jia Xu: The fuck?! How, HOW COULD'VE YOU GAINED IT?!

Xun Yu: Ohohohoo…well, it's the best to skip out the details.

Guo Jia: But still, I too, want some fangirls to crowd me! Come on! I'm the real deal here!

Zhao Yun: To think that our victory and fangirls would be accredited to some asshole-antisocial old guy….

Wen Yang: Hahaha, but you see, at least we won't suffer THAT! We already have some of that on a daily basis, anyway!

Zhao Yun: Good point.

 _However, in the middle of the fangirl-riot, one can see a rising flaming aura behind that knocks the entire fangirl squadron down._

Young!Jia Xu: What the?!

?: Grrr…you….YOU….DON'T YOU DARE TOUCH MY HUBBIE!

Young!Jia Xu: AAAHHHH! IT'S HER!

Everyone else: SHIT! **runs away**

?: KYAAAAA! COME HERE!

Young!Jia Xu: AAAHHHHH! GUYS, SAVE ME!

Guo Jia: Ah! Jia Xu, we're sorry…..

Xun Yu: ….but we can't.

Young!Jia Xu: But why?! Come on, you have no fucking idea how terrifying she is! Please!

Guo Jia: But it's the will of the Author Herself….

Xun Yu: ….and we shall not disobey her. **puts off his hat and places it in front of his chest**

Author: KYAAAAAA! YOU'RE MINE!

Young!Jia Xu: AAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!

* * *

Yeah, that's practically my entire fangirl wet-dream, but I don't fucking care. Anyways, leave a review and have a good day! Also, the 20th chapter! Yay!


	22. Chapter 21

_Okay, time to check out more insanity!_

* * *

To: Chousokabe Motochika

Tch, I've already known that since the beginning! But still, this music is very…peculiar indeed. I mean, they sound so weird and trippy…kinda sound like something Zhang Jiao would compose.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Chousokabe Motochika

Indonesia? Never heard of that country. But then again, since you like to sail around I suppose you tend to find some unique stuff like this. Oh well, thank you for the gift anyway.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Cao Cao

Aliens?! Well I'd rather let Guo Jia rape me rather than meeting those goddamn aliens who posed up as my father! And all because I turned out to be more popular than them in the latest poll? That's weird.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Cao Cao

Psshh. Come on, you didn't even break the top 25! Bah, anyway, I'm out.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Tachibana Ginchiyo

Hahaha, really? Well, as for the latter, you can't really blame her because she ended up together with a monkey.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Tachibana Ginchiyo

Well, anyway, maybe you can try putting a shock collar around Muneshige? Basically, if any other woman touches him but you, they'll get zapped by your 2000 volt lightning. I think that's enough to make them learn their lesson.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Tachibana Ginchiyo

See? Haha, I'm so smart indeed! And…well, thank you for the gifts.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Kuroda Kanbei

Hmm…I clearly do not have such herbs. However, maybe you could ask the people of Wu. I heard that they have this sort of 'Fiery Leaves' that would cause the body of any people who eat it burst aflame inside. It could be handy in keeping Hanbei awake.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Kuroda Kanbei

Yeah, I know, it may be too much. But knowing Hanbei, there's no other choice!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Kuroda Kanbei

Or, you know, ask Shennong. He has literally all kinds of herbs you would possibly ever need.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Li Yingqi

Oh, you sure? Heh, who knows if you really actually want to use it for…eh, you know.

P.S.: Eh? I think she's obviously at Lu Bu's house. Why?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Li Yingqi

Okay, okay!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Li Dian

Hey, it's me again. So, your sister told me to ask you to make voodoo dolls of Lu Lingqi and yourself. But without the curses, so they're basically plushies.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Li Dian

Why? I have no freaking ide and I don't care to. But really, I have some bad feelings about this…take care.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Li Dian

Oh, okay. Thank you.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Li Yingqi

Okay, here's your voodoo- Erm, I mean, plushies.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Lu Lingqi

Hey, so where are you?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Lu Lingqi

What? Chill dude, I don't mean to kill you. It's just your friend Li Yingqi (well shit, why in the hell these names are so goddamn similar?) told me to search for you.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Lu Lingqi

W-wha?! In front of my house?! The hell do you want?!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Lu Lingqi

What?! Come on, that was a long time ago!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Lu Lingqi

Sigh…okay, tell what, I'll allow you to kill me, but let's just go to your friend first, okay! She was searching for you! Let's just settle this whole 'revenge' thing later, okay!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Cao Cao

What?! Geez, I was busy replying letters to my other Japanese friends! The hell do you think I have been doing?!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Cao Cao

Sigh…fine, fine!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Sima Yi

Hey, you. You sure do notice about the mysterious disappearance of your sons?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Sima Yi

Yeah, as well as a couple of others, but do you notice anything strange before your sons disappeared?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Sima Yi

A note? What does it say?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Sima Yi

'Return your glory'? That seems weird. Thanks for the info, though.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Sun Quan

Your brother, sister, bodyguard and wife? BAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Poor you.

To: Sun Quan

* * *

To: Sun Quan

Yeah, yeah. Anyway, it's as I thought. You found anything weird?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Sun Quan

The same note? Huh, okay that seems a little weird.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Sun Quan

I know, others have disappeared too. I'll try to find a way to find them back. While I'm searching…well…I hope you don't mind being COMPLETELY FUCKING ALONE.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Ling Tong

Oh, what's that? Your pirate-lover has disappeared too?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Ling Tong

Okay, okay, I'm sorry. But anyway, you too, found a note at his house?

Jia Xu _(stabbed by nunchucks)_

* * *

To: Ling Tong

Ah, yes, just as I thought. Don't worry, I'll get him back to you soon.

Jia Xu

* * *

 _Jia Xu: Huff…now this is weird. Everyone who disappeared always had that note found at their house. I wonder who did this, and what does it have to do with the popularity poll? Hmm…._

* * *

To: Xun Yu

Hey you, I probably need to consult you about this.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Xun Yu

Yes, it's about those disappearing people. Lord Cao Cao said that it might be those aliens again. Either way, he said that it has something to do with my places at the DW7 and DW8 popularity polls. What do you think?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Xun Yu

Haters? Hahaha, you think I don't know about them? Of course! A guy like me is BOUND to have them. Well, it's not like having only ONE fan is any better…

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Xun Yu

Oh, really?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Xun Yu

Wow. Can you tell me where it is?

Jia Xu

* * *

 _And so, following Xun Yu's instructions, Jia Xu went to an abandoned house located at the Other residence. Legends said that it used to be the house of Fu Xi and Nuwa, but after they're completely revamped for Warriors Orochi, the house was abandoned. He went inside._

* * *

Jia Xu: Whoa, gee, so THIS was once the house of those jackass Mystics, eh…hm, it's still perfectly clean, despite having been abandoned for more than 10 years. Hmm…oh, what's that?

Jia Xu found a note posted on the wall: "Those who disrespect the Heavens shall have their fucking asses whooped."

Jia Xu: What the hell? Tch, well, Mystics. Hm?

 _He then heard faint sounds of muffling and screaming from the other side. He walked up into it, and found a very large button, with the text: "Don't press this button. No seriously, don't. I swear if you ever press it, I'll kill you, your family, your FAMILY'S FRIENDS, EVERYONE, EVERYTHING and- Oh fuck, you've pressed it. Oh welp."_

Jia Xu: **presses the button as he's reading the text** Meh. What the fuck.

 _Then the not-so-secret door opens, and Jia Xu was very surprised upon seeing the disappeared characters all being tied into chairs and bonded._

Jia Xu: What the?!

Everyone: Mmm! MMM! (Jia Xu! Save us!)

Jia Xu: Argh! O-okay! **steps into a trap and gets trapped in a test tube** ARGH! W-what is this?! Let me go!

?: Ohohoho…so you've come, after all!

Jia Xu: Gah! W-who are you?! Why did you capture these guys?!

?: Oh, that. Hmm…ah, yes, sure enough that Cao Cao's already told you about the popularity polls, yes?

Jia Xu: Uhhh…yeah?

?: Yeah, and you sure do know about how you've elevated from 31st place to the 27th, in the middle of the recently added characters?

Jia Xu: ….yes?

?: Haha! Of course, this means that in DW8 you've got quite a boost in popularity. Even these characters that I've captured, who previously got higher place than yours before, ended up being smacked pretty hard below you.

Jia Xu: Err….so what?

?: Ahaha! You haven't got it yet?! This means that whoever voted for you were COMPLETE FUCKING IDIOTS! They're supposed to KNOW that these characters that I've captured were way, way, WAY FUCKING BETTER THAN YOU ARE!

Jia Xu: What the hell?! Then why must you kidnap them?! If you absolutely fucking hate me, then you coulda just captured…you know….me.

Jia Xu Hater: Well, that's not it, fucken moron! Of course, I was thoroughly BAFFLED as to why they suddenly got all lower place than you! So I got them all here to analyze them, to find out as to why that THEY, who's ten million times more badass, cooler, and prettier than you, ended up being LESS popular than YOU, after a SINGLE game!

Jia Xu: What the fuck?! Come on, that doesn't make any sense! I mean, I don't mind being called that, but this is going too far!

Jia Xu Hater: Enough! Of course…I know that by setting this up, you would be easily lured in, and this way I will do to you, what the devs SHOULD'VE done a long time ago! **presses a red button**

Jia Xu: Whoa, whoa! Wait, what are you doing to me?!

Jia Xu Hater: Ohohoho…it's called the "generization", essentially turning you back into a generic again! You're basically NOTHING but a waste of slot! With you around, I can't get my husbando Guo Jia! Now that you're gone….

Jia Xu: Well, shit! Tch, I CLEARLY understand why would you be mad at me, but because you can't get Guo Jia? You fucking serious?

?: Jia Xu! I'm here to save you! **attacks Jia Xu Hater**

Jia Xu Hater: Ow!

Jia Xu: Gasp! F-fengxiao!

Guo Jia: You okay?! I hope I'm not too late before you turn back into a generic… **releases Jia Xu and the others**

Jia Xu: Meh, I'm fine. I still retain my personality though now I'm reduced into simple generic robes…

Jia Xu Hater: GAH! How dare you to- …oh?! GUO JIA! IT'S REALLY YOU! COME TO ME! AAAHHHH!

Guo Jia: What the- Shit! Get off me!

Jia Xu Hater: Gaaahh! Aww, why, my dear lovely Guo Jia?! Why did you prefer this antisocial-asshole over me?! You're MINE and MINE ALONE!

Guo Jia: Tch! Well, it's not that I prefer him, per se…but it's because he's my FRIEND. And I DEFINITELY do NOT want my friend to be mercilessly hated on like that!

Jia Xu Hater: Waaahhh! You're so mean! Tch! Very well then, in that case….if I cannot get you, THEN NO ONE CAN! **pulls out a self-destruct button** DIE!

Jia Xu: ARGH! EVERYONE, RUN AWAY!

Everyone else: AAAAAHHHHHHHHH!

* * *

 _Then, just a nick away from the blast, Jia Xu and the others managed to get out of Fu Xi and Nuwa's abandoned house, leaving Jia Xu Hater to die in her(?) own explosion._

Jia Xu: Whoa….damn! That was close!

Guo Jia: Yeah! Also, never thought I would have one crazy-ass fangirl like that…

Jia Xu: Huh. Try having one of those as literally the goddamn GOD(DESS) of this entire thing! Huff…at least she doesn't hate you, but I don't know whether it's for the better or the worse.

 _And so the group parted ways and went to their respective houses, with Jia Xu also preparing himself for more nonsensical emails….._

* * *

Well! Never thought I would get this far! Anyways, leave a review and have a good day!


	23. Chapter 22

Another day, another wackiness!

* * *

 _So it's just yet another typical day for Jia Xu. Waking up, taking a shower, opening laptop, and getting stressed. However, he felt something strange. As in, his body suddenly felt a lot lighter than before. So light, that whenever he jumps, he feels like he's in the moon. However, he shrugged aside this minor problem, and prepared himself to answer more letters._

To: Xiahou Ba

What the?! So it was YOU who made my body felt a lot hell lighter today! Argh, you do NOT know how dangerous that thing is! 'The instructions clearly said 'Not for children age 18 and younger'!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Xiahou Ba

Argh! Where did you get that stuff, anyway?!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Hua Tuo

Okay, you shady doctor. I clearly still remember what you did to Lord Cao Cao, and you seem to not know when to stop, don't you?!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Hua Tuo

Just admit it. You gave that pixie dust to Xiahou Ba, didn't you?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Hua Tuo

Why?!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Hua Tuo

Argh! Seriously, I swear I'm gonna split YOUR skull open when I meet you. Like seriously, you do NOT know how it feels to type in your laptop when you're floating the entire goddamn time!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Cao Cao

Sigh…Lord Cao Cao, I know.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Cao Cao

It's none other than your nephew Xiahou Ba.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Cao Cao

I know, Lord Cao Cao, I KNOW!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Cao Cao

Tch, I don't know, maybe we can borrow Zhong Hui's space suits or something? Only I fear that it won't though…he's skinnier than Kaguya's sakaki branch…

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Cao Cao

Or borrow Huang Gai's anchor.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Cao Cao

Oh, right. I forgot. Please pardon me for reawakening your trauma.

Jia Xu _(impaled by Cao Cao's icicles)_

* * *

To: Sima Zhao

What?!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Sima Zhao

Oh, your wife. She's with Xiahou Ba.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Sima Zhao

Look, long story. You may want to see outside your window and see if there's a sparkly teenage boy flying around…

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Sima Zhao

See?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Sima Zhao

No, that's not Edward Cullen.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Sima Zhao

I seriously do NOT know.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Sima Zhao

Look, maybe you just want to ask her to come back to you, okay? I'm sure it won't be hard.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Xiahou Yuan

Grapes? Oh dear, it's that time of the month, eh…

Jia Xu

* * *

 _Just then, he suddenly heard a very loud scream coming from the Wei palace. Feeling anxious, he immediately went to the palace, and was very shocked upon seeing the many lying bodies of Wei officials on the ground, with their mouths full of watery grapes. He then saw Cao Pi growling in front of his father Cao Cao, who also had his mouth shoved with grapes. Then Cao Pi turned to Jia Xu, with dripping (purple) saliva and glowing red eyes, holding a large bundle of grapes that's been squeezed by Cao Pi's hand._

Jia Xu: **Gulp** ….shit.

Cao PI: Grrahhh…graaahhh…JIA XU! YOU'RE NEXT!

Jia Xu: AAAAHHHHHHHH!

And so Jia Xu desperately tried to run away from the psycho Cao Pi, avoiding the grape-bullets that Cao Pi shot at him. Unfortunately, Cao Pi managed to corner him.

Jia Xu: Argh! Shit!

Cao PI: Grrrhhhhh….

Jia Xu: Errr…. **gulp** Okayyyy….Cao Pi, boy, this is bad, okay. You just can't make others to like the same fruit as you by doing this. It will instead traumatize them, you see?

Cao Pi: **raises hand**

Jia Xu: Ah! And, um, yeah, well, why can't you learn to appreciate other fruits as well? I mean, if you don't like oranges, that's fine, there are also apples, peaches, and- Ah! Please, listen to me first! No! No! NO! DON'T DO THIS! I BEG YOU- **has his mouth shoved by grapes, then passes out**

Cao Pi: Grrraahhhh! GRAAAHHHH! No one! And I mean, NO ONE SHOULD LIKE ANY OTHER FRUITS BESIDES GRAPES! GRAPES ARE FRUITS SENT BY THE HEAVENS THEMSELVES! GRAPES ARE THE ULTIMATE TRUTH! AND I SHALL- ehrghh…. **passes out as well**

* * *

 _5 hours later_

Jia Xu: Arrrgghhh….tch! Shit, my clothes how have purple stains! Well, it has always been purple, but…huff. Yeah, seems like everybody forgot that today is "The National Grapes Day", made official by Cao Pi himself…oh well.

 _Then, an email came._

* * *

To: Captain Jack Sparrow

Okay:

1\. Who the hell are you?

2\. I am NOT a pirate. You wanna real pirates? Go to Wu.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Captain Jack Sparrow

Okay, that's fine enough, but the truth remains that I am NOT your long-lost twin!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Captain Jack Sparrow

Sigh…seriously. Like I said before, if you wanna real pirates, then go to Wu. There are no pirates here. Nope, Xiahou Dun and Zhang Liao are NOT pirates either. Get the hell outta here.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Captain Jack Sparrow

What?! I did NOT steal your ship!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Captain Jack Sparrow

Like, seriously! Some time ago some dude gave me this ship, saying that it was mine. Since it really was NOT, I donated it to my lord Cao Cao instead. Now that you came here saying that it is really yours, well, then don't blame me!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Captain Jack Sparrow

Well, it can't be helped. It's in the Wei inventory now. If you wanna steal it, then get ready to be frozen.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Captain Jack Sparrow

Yes, yes, thank you for getting out of my life. Tch, fuck, the hell's wrong with my appearance anyway?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Xun Yu

What do you mean by that? Jekyll and Hyde?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Xun Yu

Oh, okay. It's alright. As long as, say, Li Dian doesn't get his hands on him then I think it'll be fine. Where are you going anyway?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Xun Yu

Meh. Okay then.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Sun Quan

What?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Sun Quan

What the?! Argh, he is NOT my twin!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Sun Quan

Well, that's because I told him that only Wu has REAL pirates over there! Not in Wei!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Sun Quan

Ohahahahaha, really? Pfffttt. Well, I'm not surprised.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Sun Quan

What? Even Zhou Tai? Well…damn.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Sun Quan

Just kill him then.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Sun Quan

No, seriously, just kill him. You can take his ship for yourself, and once he's gone people are gonna stop the bullshit comparisons between him and me again.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Cai Wenji

Wait, what? AH! NO! DON'T TOUCH HIM!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Cai Wenji

He's…he's essentially a living voodoo doll! Don't touch him! Argh, Xun Yu's REALLY going to fuck me over if you ever screwed up.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Cai Wenji

Oh, really? Hmm…well, since you're a sweet girl I suppose I could trust you with him, then. Okay.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Guo Jia

Hm? What's that?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Guo Jia

Eh, I think it's just your disease coming back again. Nothing to worry about, really.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Guo Jia

Well, the reason is because after seeing you drinking and flirting with women for so much time, I'm actually surprised that you're not dead yet. Or becoming ugly, like Dong Zhuo.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Zhenji

Hm? Really? Eh, maybe it's just 'that time of the month again', I say.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Zhenji

Yes, yes, I know that as a man- no, no, scratch that, OLD man, I shouldn't suddenly barge into a subject like that. My bad.

Jia Xu _(frozen by Zhenji's icicles)_

* * *

To: Guo Jia

You're coming over to her house? Sigh…you just don't know how to quit, do you?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Guo Jia

Well, basically, good fucking luck.

Jia Xu

* * *

 _Just after that, Jia Xu suddenly heard a very loud scream coming from Guo Jia's house. He rushed out to see what happened, and he saw Guo Jia lying in front of his house holding his crotch in pain._

Jia Xu: What?!

Guo Jia: Argh…Jia…Xu…help me…

Jia Xu: Whoa whoa whoa whoa, what, what happened here? Weren't you coming over to Cai Wenji?

Guo Jia: I was…but suddenly…I felt like I got kicked in the nads…argh….

Jia Xu: …..

Guo Jia: Don't just stand there! Help…me….owwww…..

Jia Xu: Okay, okay! **lifts Guo Jia** ARGHHHH!

Guo Jia: Ow! Gee, guess this is the first time I ever got lifted by you!

Jia Xu: Shit…you…you might be…actually…heavier…than Xu Zhu….shit…

Guo Jia: Naaah, you're just exaggerating. Now, get me to Cai Wenji!

Jia Xu: Yes…yes…Casanova…argh…

* * *

 _At Cai Wenji's house_

Guo Jia: Whoo! Thank you!

Jia Xu: ARGH! Huff…huff…shit, doing stuff like that would be bad for my health at this age. Huff…oh well.

Guo Jia: Okay! Thanks! Now then..yoo~hoo~! Cai Wenji! Come here! **whistles**

Jia Xu: Oh my god…tch…hard to believe that I, too, USED to be like that!

Guo Jia: Hello? Hello! Hm, this is weird. Hey! **knocks Cai Wenji's room** Hello? You there? **door opens** Oh?

 _Then Guo Jia found Cai Wenji lying down unconscious while Leon is holding a gun._

Leon: Oh, em…hello.

Guo Jia: **jawdrop** You…YOU!

Jia Xu: What?!

Leon: Umm…okay, you see, this is a misunderstanding-

Guo Jia: YOU KILLED HER! AAARRRGHHH! I'LL KILL YOU!

Cai Wenji: **wakes up** Oh? Hi Guo Jia! What are you doing here? And…why are you holding your weapon?

Guo Jia: What?! C-cai Wenji! You're still alive?!

Cai Wenji: Haha, of course I am! What do you think?

Guo Jia: W-w-what? You mean this Leon-

Cai Wenji: Oh, that. Hehe, I'm sorry if it freaked you out, but really, we were just playing!

Jia Xu: Huh, playing. What kind of playing, anyway?

Cai Wenji: Well, a lot, really. First, we were tickling each other!

Jia Xu: Uhh…okay…then?

Cai Wenji: Well, it turns out that I was reacting too strong to his tickles, which is why I kicked him at…places. Hehe.

Jia Xu: Huh, well… **stares at Guo Jia** THAT certainly explains it.

Cai Wenji: Then, we were playing dead! Essentially, one person pretend like he's shooting the other guy, then the other guy will pretend like he's dead!

Guo Jia: Oh…OOOHHH! HAHAHA! I get it! So that's why you looked like you're actually dead. Man, I almost killed this Leon guy on the spot!

Jia Xu: Huff…well, thank GOD that nothing happened. Well then, I'm out.

Guo Jia: W-wha?! Come on Jia Xu, won't you join me in this decisive battle?

Jia Xu: What kind of decisive battle anyway? Oh right, it depends on HER decision whenever she wants to be yours or not, but whatever, I don't care. But anyway…

Guo Jia: Yes?

Jia Xu: Well…hope you also like another K-pop boyband member as your rival! Haha!

 _And so Jia Xu left Cai Wenji's house._

* * *

Damn! 22th chapter! We're getting close now! Yippee! Anyway, as always, leave a review and have a good day!


	24. Chapter 23

_We will see more antics stored at the emails!_

* * *

To: Xun Yu

Wait, what? …shit.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Xun Yu

No, no, it's alright. He's been kept under control, really.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Cai Wenji

Hey, you….you're alright?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Cai Wenji

It's about that Leon guy…is he still alright?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Cai Wenji

Oh, good, good.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Cai Wenji

Okay, here, are you done playing with him?

Jia Xu

To: Cai Wenji

Because if you're done, I want you to return him to Xun Yu's house back quickly.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Cai Wenji

Just…return him.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Cai Wenji

You have? Good.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Zhenji

Sigh…look, first of all, that guy (Leon) Is NOT mine, but Xun Yu's. And second, I think it's more appropriate to say that a pretty boy in ridiculous costumes is keeping ME instead…

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Zhenji

You want him?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Zhenji

No, no. Just no.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Zhenji

Look, he may look cute, sure, but trust me, he is fiercer than Wang Yi when meeting Ma Chao if you do something wrong. No, seriously.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Zhenji

And really, Cao Pi'll seriously kill me if he EVER found out about this, okay! So forget about him! Leon, I mean.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Wang Yi

Uhh…no. And why are you calling me 'lovely'? That's beyond gross…seriously.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Wang Yi

Okay, look, I know you hate Ma Chao, and I know I ALSO hate Ma Chao, we both know we both hate him, but you just cannot use Leon for this, you know!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Wang Yi

Because if YOU, EVER uses Leon as Ma Chao's voodoo doll, trust me, it will NOT end well.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Leon

What?! I thought I already told her to not use you! …okay, okay, stay calm, you hear me? And stop babbling that Korean shit. You're seeing her face right now, yes? Okay, even though she looks like an utter psycho, trust me, she isn't all that bad. Okay, if you feel nervous for staring at her psycho face for too long, just….look a bit lower. Feeling better?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Leon

Okay, okay, good. Here, I store some pictures of Guo Jia at my basement. Don't fucking ask how or why. You just show it to her, and it will be enough to disgust and drive her off, okay?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Wang Yi

Okay, I admit it, I told him to do so because you scared the poor kid.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Wang Yi

Look, look, if you want to then tomorrow we'll raid the Xiliang Ranch and slaughter as many horses as we can. If we're lucky, we may even lure out Ma Chao himself, and you can get your vengeance at him! How about that?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Wang Yi

Good, good! I'll see you tomorrow!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Leon

It's alright, she's gone now.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Leon

No, she's not my girlfriend. That's fucked up at every level possible. What makes you think so?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Leon

Err…yeah, about that. Honestly, I don't know. Makes me wonder if her absolute disgust with Guo Jia has something to do with it…um, no! It's not like what you think!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Cao Cao

….okay, judging from it, I suppose I can assume that he will cover the entire land in bishie sparkles and butterflies, and force us to wear pink, skanky costumes and will lead us in a joint dance….fuck. Maybe you could ask the other kingdoms about this…

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Cao Cao

Ah, don't worry about me. I suppose I'll simply pretend that I'm dead (hey, it's fitting for my age, after all) rather than to follow whatever routine he will force upon us later…

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Sima Yi

What?! So he made you his Prime Minister?! Ergh, gulp…

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Sima Yi

Eh, no, no. I mean, well since you've been always close with him then I guess it won't be a problem, eh…

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Sima Yi

Well, I'll simply lock my ass inside this fucking room all day until it's all over. That's it, I won't risk anything.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Zhang He

'The Magnificent and BEAUTIFUL Emperor Shu of the Die Dynasty?" …okay, fine. Whatever. Ehem, so, what your orders shall be, Your Majesty? (Ugh…I can't believe I'm doing this…)

Jia Xu

* * *

To: The Emperor

What?! (And by the way, how the hell could've your account name suddenly changed?!)

Jia Xu

* * *

To: The Emperor

NO.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: The Emperor

Why yes, I dare to defy your orders. You mad?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: The Emperor

Well listen, you're only the Emperor because our Lord Cao Cao lost a game against a fucking crazy wizard. I am not, and WILL not acknowledge you as the Emperor. Fuck you and your gay-ass sparkly butterflies.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: The Emperor

Pfftt. Try me-

Jia Xu

* * *

 _Before he finished typing his mail, suddenly the Imperial Army barged through in Jia Xu's room._

Jia Xu: What the- AAAAAAHHHHHH! WHO, WHO ARE YOU?!

Imperial Army: Silence, you disrespectful traitor! We are the Imperial Army, here to arrest you!

Jia Xu: I-imperial Army?! You fuckin serious?! Y'all look more like a boyband wannabe who failed at the first wave of an audition.

Imperial Army: I said, SILENCE! You clearly do not understand, that what we do are BEAUTIFUL! **does a 'BEAUTIFUL' dance pose releasing sparkly butterfly all over the place**

Jia Xu: ….kill me.

Imperial Army: Huh?

Jia Xu: I said, KILL. ME.

Imperial Army: Hmmm….nope.

Jia Xu: Huh? Why? I clearly insulted your Emperor right in his fucking face. I deserve to be executed! Do it now!

Imperial Army: Ah, even though what you said is true, our Emperor is a BENEVOLENT ruler who clearly won't do such a thing! So, he only ordered us to capture you and put you in jail until he decides what to do to punish you! So come with us!

Jia Xu: Oh, fuck my life.

* * *

 _So Jia Xu was brought in before the Emperor, who has decorated the palace with statues of himself and put in sparkly butterflies everywhere. It made Jia Xu sick._

Jia Xu: Blegh…fuck this shit.

The Emperor: Ah, so it was you, eh Jia Xu, who dared to defy the orders of I, the BEAUTIFUL Emperor of the Die Dynasty?!

Jia Xu: Bleh, so what of it?! I said it once and I'll say it again: you're NOT my Emperor. Fuck you and your BEAUTIFUL to hell!

The Emperor: What! What insolent wretch! I woulda have you executed in the most UNBEAUTIFUL way, but since I'm also a BENEVOLENT Emperor, I will place you in prison and decide what to do with you next! Guards!

Imperial Army: Right away!

* * *

 _So Jia Xu, along with his laptop so that he can answer emails, were thrown into jail until The Emperor (Zhang He) decides what to do with his insolence._

Jia Xu: Jyah! Ouch…man, that hurts! Hmm…damn, I'd say this is quite a fancy prison. Heh, I guess Zhang He really did waste the imperial inventory to do complete makeover to the palace, even including the prison! Hmm, is it just me or does it feel that somebody in that gay-ass Imperial Army squeezed my ass? **shudder** Beh, whatever. Now, let's see…hmmm….

* * *

To: Guo Jia

Okay, look, there's no need for you to do this, because Leon is with me now.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Guo Jia

What?! No, I'm not keeping him as my new boyfriend!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Guo Jia

Look, if you wanna go hit on Cai Wenji, AGAIN, then go ahead. Leon's got nothing to do with this. He doesn't have anything to do with Cai Wenji again, so you're free to do whatever with her as you please.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Guo Jia

Look, killing him won't do ANY good! If anything, it would be Xun Yu shoving his wand up my ass when he came back from Wu! And I definitely do NOT want that to happen!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Guo Jia

Seriously, Zhang He's now the Emperor, and you think I don't have enough stresses yet?!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Guo Jia

Sigh….okay, you know what, I give up.

Jia Xu

* * *

Guard: Hey, you're free.

Jia Xu: …what? The hell?! I don't think I have been in this prison for a minute when you freed me!

Guard: It's the command of the Emperor! Move it!

Jia Xu: Oh, shit…um, oh yes, yes!

And so Jia Xu was brought before The Emperor.

Jia Xu: Okay, sigh…you've freed me. Now what will you do to me now, huh?

The Emperor: Ah, yes, about that. I've already thought about what your punishment would be.

Jia Xu: Sigh…okay, I'm prepared for anything. What is it?

The Emperor: Originally, I woulda have my best torturers to slowly and cruelly torture you in the most UNBEAUTIFUL way, but out of the consideration for your contributions for Wei, I've decided to give you the honor of joining my Imperial Dance Crew! **curtain opens to reveal the former Wei officers (including Cao Cao) in pink costumes and ridiculous makeups**

Jia Xu: ….. **jawdrop**

The Emperor: Hahahaha! Now this is splendid! Now, my boys, let us show the mighty power of the BEAUTIFUL Team! **Leads the Dance Crew**

 _And so, the Imperial Dance Crew, under the lead of the Emperor himself, danced to the tune of Girls Generations' Into The New World._

Jia Xu: **widens eyes throughout the whole thing**

The Emperor: Ahhh…it was simply…BEAUTIFUL! **releases sparkly butterflies everywhere**

Jia Xu: Augh! AH! MY EYES!

The Emperor: Ahaha! Now you, Jia Xu, shall have this highest honor too!

Jia Xu: What the…WHAT THE HELL?! You guys! How the fuck could have you allowed yourselves to be shamed by this guy?! Seriously!

Cao Cao: We HOPED we could get away from this, but…

Xiahou Dun: He's just too strong.

Jia Xu: Now, seriously! How the hell can HIM, be more powerful than the previous, mentally STABLE Emperor?! That doesn't make any goddamn sense!

The Emperor: Now, now, why so much waiting?

Jia Xu: Argh! Shit!

Cao Cao: Jia Xu, please…

Jia Xu: Huh?

Cao Cao: Do not…do not…suffer the same fate…as us…

Jia Xu: Hm…I think I know what to do…

The Emperor: Now, now, don't keep your Emperor waiting.

Jia Xu: Okay, okay, first of all, Your Majesty, this honor you've conferred upon me is truly priceless and utterly unrepayable in any way. The only way I can thank you is to render you the highest services- GAAAAAAAKKKKKHHHHHH! **coughs blood**

Cao Cao: Gasp!

The Emperor: Aaaahh! No! Guards!

* * *

 _At a room in the palace_

Jia Xu: (Yes! That trick worked! Though seriously, that bite hurt my tongue real bad. It was worth it, though.) Uhhh…w-what happened?

Guard: Oh, you're finally awake!

Jia Xu: Yes, I am. **punches the guard** Great, now how I can get outta here…hmm… **sees a hole up in the ceiling**

* * *

 _Inside the ventilation_

Jia Xu: Argh…shit…I'm so…cramped! Huff…okay, I have to make least sound as possible. I'm a ninja, after all, hehe. Um, no, there's no such thing as a fucking Chinese ninja, but hey!

 _Down below in the palace_

The Emperor: Ah! If Jia Xu's condition don't get any better soon, then what will become of my Imperial Dance Crew! Hmmm…hey, is it just me or does it seem that there are sounds up in the ventilation above?

Jia Xu: Shit! Okay, okay, stay quiet. But…argh!

 _After the long travelling through the narrow ventilation, Jia Xu finally managed to come out of the palace, but unfortunately, fell right into the dumpster._

Jia Xu: GAH! Yikes! There's junk all over my clothes! Ew! Sigh…I REALLY need to take a shower later.

* * *

 _And so Jia Xu walked back to his house, while having to be REALLY careful lest he'll be captured by the Imperial Army. However, he later noticed many Wei people gathering at the garden._

Jia Xu: Hm? What's that?

 _He went over to look, and noticed that they were gathering to watch the Olympics. Later, he noticed Li Dian and Yue Jin playing ping-pong behind._

LI Dian: Okay, now I'm gonna throw the ball, okay?

Yue Jin: Okay! **looks up**

Li Dian: Haha! Now's my chance! **hits the ball towards Yue Jin**

Yue Jin: OW! **falls over**

Li Dian: Hahahahaha! Victory is mine! **victory pose**

Jia Xu: **sniggers**

Sima Yi: Oh, hi there Jia Xu.

Jia Xu: Sima Yi!

Sima Yi: Uhh…okay, what's with you? You're covered in junk!

Jia Xu: Sigh….long. Fucking. Story.

Sima Yi: Huh, okay then. Also, it's kinda unusual for you to come out here so late at the night. You wanna join us and watch the Olympics? It's gonna be fun, you know!

Jia Xu: Eh? Umm…no, I can't, I'm sorry.

Sima Yi: Eh? Why not?

Jia Xu: I…I just can't. Look, I'm WAY beyond tired this day. I need to rest. I'm very sorry. Excuse me.

Sima Yi: ….hm. I see.

* * *

 _And so Jia Xu continued to walk to his house. When he got back, though, he heard a VERY loud scream coming from his basement._

Jia Xu: What?! The hell was that?! ….oh no. **rushed towards the basement, and turned on the lights**

When the lights went on, it showed Leon brutally beating Guo Jia using his bare hands.

Jia Xu: AAAAHHH! NOO!

Guo Jia: ARGH! Jia….Xu! Help…meeee!

Leon: GRAAAAAARRRGGGHHHH!

Jia Xu: Jyah! **Grabs Guo Jia, and runs outside and locks the door**

Guo Jia: Argh…hey…thank…you….jyah…

Jia Xu: Grr…..YOU FUCKING IDIOT! I told you to NOT kill/harm Leon in any way!

Guo Jia: Well, I told you I simply wanted to prove that I'm better than-

Leon: GRAAAAARRRRRRRGHHHHHHHHHHH!

Jia Xu: YIKES! Okay, okay, tell you what, forget about him, okay!

Guo Jia: But I-

JIa Xu: JUST FORGET ABOUT HIM! NOW GO HOME!

Guo Jia: ….okay, okay! **goes outside** Oh, by the way I'm gonna watch the Olympics, you coming?

Jia Xu: Eh? No!

Guo Jia: Oh, okay, bye!

Jia Xu: Right! Huff….okay, now I'd better go take a shower. Ugh…who knows if Zhang He's powder was included in this junk! Ew!

* * *

 _After taking a shower to clean himself off all that Imperial junk, Jia Xu decided to go to sleep after all of that tiring shit._

Jia Xu: Yawn…man! What a day! Huff…well, at least tomorrow Zhang He's not the Emperor anymore, so I suppose I'll be free from being recruited into the Imperial Dance Crew…ugh…I wonder how long this thing's really gonna be…

 _However, he later heard very loud cheering from the Wei people in the garden. Slightly annoyed, he woke up and opened the curtain to see what's going on. He later saw the Wei people cheering at the many victories their favorite teams gained gained during the Olympics, all while feasting with wine with such happy expressions on their faces, including Guo Jia. Jia Xu can't help but to feel slightly jealous at them._

Jia Xu: Heh…I see, then. To be able to celebrate a victory alongside your friends…it must've been quite a happy experience. Unfortunately, being who I am…I suppose I'll never be able to enjoy that kind of shit.

 _And he went back to sleep, still with the rest of Wei cheering._

* * *

Well, to be honest, I didn't actually watch the Olympics. I don't care about them. Nevertheless, please leave a review and have a good day!


	25. Chapter 24

_Expect more chaos to appear!_

* * *

To: Wang Yi

Oh…I see. I never expected that from you. Hm, now that I know what you TRULY feel about those horses, I would STILL say that it's a bad FUCKING idea to use that doll. Hrm, it's probably better to ask Li Dian to give you a Ma Chao voodoo doll, okay?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Wang Yi

Okay, look, currently it's not a good idea to use Leon! I mean, he's alive! If you harm him or anything (as you would do to a voodoo doll), BAD FUCKING SHIT will happen! He will wreck your shit! And if that happens then the blame's on me, you see that?!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Wang Yi

Long story. And besides, Li Dian's voodoo dolls are inanimate! So there's no harm that will come from it, you see?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Wang Yi

Good, good, good. Really, just…don't bring him up again. Heaven damns me if you ever do.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Xun Yu

Hrgh?! Uhh…yes! YES! OF COURSE! Uh, well, sometimes Cai Wenji comes to visit and play with him, so he's not bored! Yeah! Really! Hahaha! And, um, you really don't have to bring souvenirs, after all it's Wu, I'm afraid it would be on fire or something. Heheheheheheheheheheheheeeeee…..

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Xun Yu

Hehehehehehe…eh, what? No, everything's fine, really? What makes you think that I have Leon screaming and attempting to break through my basement's door? Hell no, fuck that shit! Hahahaha…

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Cai Wenji

NO.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Cai Wenji

I told you, NO. Period.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Cai Wenji

Okay, reason one, it's because Guo Jia wants to hit on you, AGAIN, and was absolutely ballistic when he saw you having 'cutey times' with Leon. He will kill me if he ever sees you with Leon again! Reason two, Leon is being…uhh…"preoccupied" right now and doesn't accept visitors.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Cai Wenji

Yes, yes, good. Now please go away before any trouble hits BOTH of us.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Zhang Liao

Zuo Ci?! That guy?! AGAIN?! Argh, huff…okay, okay, first of all, who is it?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Zhang Liao

….Li Dian? Seriously?

Jia Xu

* * *

 _Following Zhang Liao's email, Jia Xu went out to Zhang Liao's unit to see what's going on. There, he found Zhang Liao and the rest of the unit blushing at a dark-haired woman with skintight armor and glasses. He also found Yue Jin lying unconscious on the floor, nosebleeding._

Jia Xu: Okay! Now what the heck's going on- ….

Zhang Liao: Ah! Jia Xu! You're finally here!

Jia Xu: Uh, okay, er…okay, who's this girl right here? She looks awfully similar to Li Dian…hey, are you Li Yingqi?

Female!Li Dian: NO! I'm not my sister!

Jia Xu: What do you mean? …..oh my god. You, you?!

Female!Li Dian: Yes, it's me! Li Dian! That goddamn crazy mage just waltzed in to turn me into a woman, and then just disappears! This is BULLSHIT! Fucking BULLSHIT! I mean, look at me! My armor just BARELY fits in my body! And my boobs! I swear they're bigger than Lianshi's! I mean, seriously! Does that fucking mage want to get me into a new Koihime Musou characters audition?!

Jia Xu: **stares at Female!Li Dian** …..

Female!Li Dian: HEY!

Jia Xu: WHOA!

Female!Li Dian: Well! I KNOW it's such an unusual sight, but I can't stay like this forever! Either you help me right now or so help you, I'll kick your bollocks!

Jia Xu: YIKES! Geez, okay, okay! Hrgh…

Zhang Liao: Pssstt, Jia Xu.

Jia Xu: What?!

Zhang Liao: Do…do you think this is normal? I mean, I'm blushing when Li Dian turned into a girl. He's now female, yes, but he's still technically male. So, umm…does this mean I'm gay?

Jia Xu: Sigh…look, you're gay only if you already have had a crush on Li Dian BEFORE he gets turned into a girl. And I surely as hell hope so!

Zhang Liao: Ah, I see! Thank you! Yes! I'm not gay! I'M NOT GAY!

Jia Xu: Right, right. Still, you try to bang that girl and she'll still shove a wheeled halberd up your ass.

Zhang Liao: Ouch.

Female!Li Dian: Hey! What are you two talking about?! Think about the solution so that I'll return to being male again!

Jia Xu: We ARE thinking, okay! Seriously….hmmm….oh, I know.

Female!LI Dian: What?

Jia Xu: Here, maybe I'll try to go to that fucking mage and coerce him to turn you back. Meanwhile, since nobody here except me, Zhang Liao, and these privates know about this, maybe you could assume the identity of your sister instead.

Female!Li Dian: What?! Y-you serious?!

Jia Xu: Of fucking course! Listen, if this news EVER leaks out to the public, then sure enough that Lord Cao Cao will attempt to get you as his concubine! You wanna that to happen, or not?

Female!Li Dian: Aaahh! No, no!

Jia Xu: Well then follow every word that I say!

Female!Li Dian: Geez, okay! B-but…how about Yue Jin?! The moment he wakes up, he'll surely try to get his way out for me!

Jia Xu: Well, I think you STILL prefer him over Lord Cao Cao! You'll enjoy it, I'm sure. Hey, don't say that I don't know about your relationship…

Female!Li Dian: Argh! …huff, fine. Guess I really have to go through this…

Jia Xu: Good! Okay, now I gotta go…oh, and Zhang Liao.

Zhang Liao: What?

Jia Xu: Do NOT, EVER, tell ANYONE about this. You get it?! If ANYONE ever finds out, especially Lord Cao Cao and Guo Jia, we're fucking doomed.

Zhang Liao: Errr…okay.

* * *

 _And so Jia Xu went home to try to mail Zuo Ci._

To: Zuo Ci

You fucking wizard just don't know when to quit, do you?!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Zuo Ci

Look, don't play dumb with me. Return Li Dian back into a man THIS. VERY. INSTANT!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Zuo Ci

One whole friggin' WEEK?! YOU SERIOUS?!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Zuo Ci

Oh, okay. What ingredients?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Zuo Ci

A…human kidney? Ew, gross.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Zuo Ci

Sigh…fine. I suppose ANYTHING can happen at this point….

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Private

What the?! ….okay, is the kid blond and pretty?

P.S.: Oh, so you lost a kidney? Tell me, did that kid carry it with him?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Private

Well…shit.

Jia Xu

* * *

 _So Jia Xu went outside his room to try to get the escaping Leon back. He then found a bowl of kimchi on the table with a note:_

 _Dear Mister Jia Xu_

 _Thank you for taking care for me all this time. I'd love to stay longer here but alas, I have to leave now. So I left my home country's traditional food as my parting gift. I hope you'll like- GRARARARARARAGWAAAHHHAHHHHWAJAJAJAJAJA!_

 _Leon_

Jia Xu: Oh, shit!

 _Then he left his house to find blood trails that leads towards Guo Jia's house. He then heard a VERY loud scream coming from the same direction. Panicked, he immediately teleports (hey, he has it in the game too!) towards Guo Jia's house._

Jia Xu: GUO JIA! ….oh…no! Shit, GUO JIA! WHERE ARE YOU! YOU CAN HEAR ME?!

 _Then, he heard groaning and screaming sounds coming from Guo Jia's basement. He tried to open it, but it was locked._

Jia Xu: SHIT! GAH, OPEN! Oh, no! Huff….think, think, think! Tch, I guess there's no choice!

 _He then chose to draw out his weapon to destroy the door. Inside, he found Guo Jia strapped to an operating table with Leon attempting to operate on him._

Jia Xu: Jyah! HEY, YOU! STAY AWAY FROM HIM!

Leon: **turns around** Oh? Hey, Mister! Why would you come here?

Jia Xu: Tch! Don't play dumb! You attempt to kill Guo Jia!

Leon: What? No….no! You see, from my days here I've noticed about how intriguing the abilities of an average Chinese person here. Their physical and magical capabilities are clearly WAY beyond those of us in Korea! So, I've decided to operate on your friend here to examine a Chinese person's anatomy!

 _Despite that talk, Jia Xu noticed that Guo Jia's been clearly brutally tortured. But he tries to remain calm._

Jia Xu: Errr…okay…if you say so….

Leon: Hahaha! Of course! Ehem, you see, your friend's also already given his consent about me examining his body, so you really shouldn't worry- **stops**

Jia Xu: Huh? Hey, hey! ….ah, great! Now I can carry Guo Jia away from here. **frees Guo Jia and carries him**

Guo Jia: …gaaaaaarrrgghhhhh…..ahhh…..where…where am….I…..am I….in….Heaven…..?

Jia Xu: Ah! Guo Jia! And, ehem, no. You're still alive. Hang on there!

Guo Jia: …ehhhhrrrrrggghhhhhhhh….

Jia Xu: Oh, this is the kidney of that private! I should take it to give it to Zuo Ci so that he can turn Li Dian back into a guy again.

Leon: …GRRRAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!

Jia Xu: What?! AAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!

Leon: GRRRAAAAAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!

Jia Xu: AAAAHHHHHH! Shit, better run!

 _So Jia Xu desperately tried to run away from Psycho!Leon. He finally managed to escape to his own house and placed Guo Jia in his room so that he can recover, before finally deciding to go out and face Leon himself._

Jia Xu: Okay! You psycho sissy! Bring it on!

Leon: GRRAAAAARRRGGHHHHH!

Jia Xu: Hyah! Whoop! You missed! Argh! That hurts! Tch!

Leon: HYAAAAARRRRRGGGGHHHHHHH!

Jia Xu: GAH! Tch…screw it, this kid may be a sissy, but he's too powerful. Ergh…now…okay, I remembered about Xun Yu telling me how to snap this kid back into his 'nice guy' mode. Argh, how?!

 _So Jia Xu and Leon continued to fight, though it's not as much fighting as Jia Xu barely avoiding each of Leon's blind charges at him._

Jia Xu: ARGH! Tch…pant…pant…this kid's charges are way too fast for me to handle. I can't do this forever! ….wait, charge? Charge, charger….yes! That's it! Hey, you!

Leon: Grargh?

Jia Xu: Yo momma so ugly, when people see her and you, they thought she's a child molester!

Leon: GWWAAAAAARRRRGGGGHHHHHH!

Jia Xu: Hahaha, man, that's evil. Okay! WHOOP! **catches Leon with his scythe and drags him towards Jia Xu (basically his second Musou)**

Leon: HYAAAARRRRGGGHHHH! GWAWRGH! GRUAH!

Jia Xu: Okay, now…hyah! **makes a two finger motion using thumb and pinky then jabs them on his neck then quickly removes it**

Leon: ARGH! ….. **faints**

Jia Xu: Pant…pant…huff, finally! Sigh….fuck it, I don't care anymore if Xun Yu'll wreck my ass for this. I mean, come on! He shoulda known better than to entrust a guy like him to MY care! Oh well…better go home…

* * *

 _So Jia Xu carried Leon on his back to bring him back to his house's basement. When he returned to his room to go to sleep. There, he found Guo Jia, already fully healed._

Guo Jia: Hi there!

Jia Xu: Whoa! Hey, how the hell could've you recovered so fast?! I mean, you were a wrecked mess after being tortured by that kid…

Guo Jia: Ahaha, it's fine! Hey, that fucking sissy's got nothing on me, the Great Guo Jia! Hahaha!

Jia Xu: Sigh…yeah, yeah, I get it. By the way, I wanna get some sleep now. Go back to your house.

Guo Jia: Whaaaattt? Come on, that's mean!

Jia Xu: Look, rumors will spread if somebody in Wei ever knows about this! Get out or I'll have my scythe do the job!

Guo Jia: Huff…no! I mean, man, listen to me first.

Jia Xu: Sigh…what?

Guo Jia: Here, you remember that time when you first joined us? I was so excited by you joining that we had a sleepover-

Jia Xu: Yeah…and the next morning Xun Yu's taken numerous photographs of us sleeping together in the most suggestive way and almost spread it to the entire Wei if it weren't for our beating! Like seriously!

Guo Jia: Uhh…yeah. But hey, at least Xun Yu's away in Wu now!

Jia Xu: ….so?

Guo Jia: **makes a devilish smirk**

Jia Xu: ….oh my god, please, you can't be serious.

Guo Jia: Hey! Come on, it'll be fun! I just want to have one more sleepover with you, please!

Jia Xu: Argh! Seriously, give me one good reason as to WHY I should let you sleep here.

Guo Jia: Umm…because I'm scared! Yeah! That kid'll kill me again! So I'm scared to sleep alone!

Jia Xu: You mean Leon? Tch, he's already back to being nice now, there's no need to be scared! Besides, you're an ADULT.

Guo Jia: Tsk, come on Jia Xu! I We're best friends, aren't we?

Jia Xu: Huh?

Guo Jia: I mean, sure, maybe there'll be some unfortunate rumors around, but it's alright! I just want to be truly close to you, at least for once! If it's with you, then I don't have any problem with it.

Jia Xu: ….

Guo Jia: Yes, yes? Please?

Jia Xu: …

Guo Jia: Puuuuuuuhhhhhhhhleeeeeeeeeeaaaaaassssseeeeeeeeeee?

Jia Xu: …..sigh. Fine.

Guo Jia: YAYYYY! **jumps on bed**

Jia Xu: Still, don't jump at my bed!

Guo Jia: Sorry.

Jia Xu: Sigh…okay, I suppose I can let you sleep at my place for once. Just don't try to do anything funny!

Guo Jia: I promise! …oh, I'm cold.

Jia Xu: …so?

Guo Jia: **makes a 'hug me' gesture**

Jia Xu: …sigh. Fine.

Guo Jia: Yay! **hugs Jia Xu** Aaaahhhh….you're just so warm! Well, I suppose it makes sense since you use fire magic and stuff….hehehehe…..

Jia Xu: Sigh….why does this spoiled kid be considered one of our best strategists again? Eh, I suppose the same thing can be said for me, who's a complete and total asshat. Tch, whatever.

* * *

Trust me, that one bit at the end is NOT yaoi. They're just friends, I swear! Oh well, as usual, leave a review and have a good day! Oh, and please note that this is my second-to-last chapter, so if any of you got any letter you wanna send, please send it NOW.


	26. Chapter 25

_And now, we shall see the grand finale of everything's that came down from all of this!_

* * *

 _Like every other mornings, Jia Xu woke up in order to answer some more emails. However, he noticed that Guo Jia's already woken up earlier before him._

Jia Xu: Yawn…oh, man…hm? Guo Jia's gone? Gee, he's so early. Hrmf…huff, and now I have to do the same routine like I've been doing for nearly a month, and I always ended up being beaten senseless…huff….I wonder if this is the time to simply take a break from all of this…

* * *

To: Leon

Huh? Eh, euhm, okay, it's good if you admit that, but really, you just need to sit down nicely in my basement and everything will be alright! There's no need to kill you-

Jia Xu

* * *

 _Suddenly Leon barged in Jia Xu's room._

Jia Xu: WHOA! Hey, how could've you-

Leon: I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! **bows repeatedly, rinse and repeat**

Jia Xu: Eh? Uhh…uhrgh…damn…now I kinda feel bad…

* * *

To: Xun Yu

Huff…glad that you said it. Honestly, in reality I don't have the heart to hurt a poor young kid like him. That's great. Thank you!

Jia Xu

* * *

 _So Jia Xu went to Xun Yu's house and found a plain-looking voodoo doll, as Xun Yu has instructed him. He pierced it and it exploded with light. He went back home, and noticed Leon dropping unconscious on the floor. Feeling bad for the poor kid, he brought him to rest on Jia Xu's bed._

Jia Xu: Sigh…well, at least he'll return to where he actually belongs.

* * *

To: Sima Yi

BAHAHAHAHAHA. Poor you, but yep, I definitely won't dabble in this shit for any longer. I'm tired, with my age not helping. That's because unlike you, I know when to quit, okay. But hey, at least you'll be known as The Grand Master of Answers Letters!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Cao Cao

(SHIT! SHIT! Argh, I thought I've already told everyone to hide HIS true identity?) Umm…no, my lord! That's not Li Dian! That's his sister! Yeah, she just came to visit her brother, but you touch her and expect Li Dian's wheeled halberd up your ass. And…flowers? Uh, I don't see any flowers. It must be your imagination.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Cao Cao

NO! NO! Don't do it!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Zuo Ci

Argh, you fucking wizard! I already gave you the human kidney you asked for, so why don't you turn Li Dian back into a guy again?!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Li Dian

What?! WHAT?! Tell me, what happened?!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Li Dian

Argh! This is bad! We all know he won't stop for his ambition, including his ambition to expand his harem! Gah! J-just hang on there!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Li Dian

WHAT?! HE ALREADY GOT TO YOU AND KNOCKED EVERYBODY ELSE TO THE WATER?!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Li Dian

SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! T-TRY TO FIGHT HIM! DON'T MAKE HIM TAKE YOUR VIRGINITY!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Li Dian

AAAAAHHHHH!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Zuo Ci

What? You're done?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Li Dian

Hey! Good news! You're a dude again!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Li Dian

…..what?

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Li Dian

Pffffttt….AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAA! Oh my god, HAHAHAHAHA! Welp, that'll DEFINITELY teach him to keep his boner in place! WAHAHAHAHA!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Dian Wei

Oh my god, you're STILL mad at me for that?! Huff….well, it's understandable, yes, but come on!

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Dian Wei

Sigh…okay, okay, fine! I'm going to have my ass wrecked either way, so bring it on!

Jia Xu

* * *

 _However, the moment he typed that, suddenly Jia Xu's room went dark. He desperately tried to reach the light switch, and turned it on, only to be surprised that his house has been transformed into a fighting arena against Dian Wei with all Wei and Jin officers as the audience._

Jia Xu: WHAT THE HELL?! HEY! MY HOUSE!

Dian Wei: Hah! So you've come at last! Let's settle this!

Jia Xu: Well, this is- WAS MY HOUSE! Argh, h-how about Leon?! All hell would break loose if he ever comes out of the basement…argh.

Guo Jia: **with a megaphone** YOOOOO!

Jia Xu: GYAAAHHHHH! MY EARS!

Guo Jia: YAAAYYYYY! COME ON JIA XU, YOU CAN DO IT! WOOOOOOOHHHHH!

The entire Sima Household, Cai Wenji, Cao Pi, Zhenji, and Wang Yi: **hold a banner with the text: TEAM JIA XU!** WHOOOOOHOOOOOOOO! JIA XU! JIA XU! JIA XU! YEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!

Cao Cao: WHOOOHHH! Now, Dian Wei! Show that smartass how's it done!

The rest of Wei and Jin: **hold a banner that says: TEAM DIAN WEI!** WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Dian Wei: Yeah! Haha! **cracks knuckles** Now, I can assure you that none of your cheap tactics will work on me this time! Bring it on!

Jia Xu: Ergh! Urgh, gulp…ooookkkkaaaaayyyyy…but….errr….

Dian Wei: Hm, what?

Jia Xu: Ehm…ah! Look out! **points behind Dian Wei**

Dian Wei: looks behind Wait, what? **smacked by Jia Xu** OW!

Jia Xu: Hahaha! I got the first strike!

Dian Wei: Tch! Fuck you! That's cheating!

Jia Xu: Well, YOU allowed me to cheat, dumbass.

Dian Wei: HEY!

Jia Xu: Try me. **sticks out tongue**

Dian Wei: HYAH! **runs to punch Jia Xu**

Jia Xu: Whoops! **nonchalantly steps aside**

Dian Wei: AGH! **falls over**

Jia Xu: Hah! Missed!

Dian Wei: Argh! You! You fucking cheater!

Jia Xu: What? Hey, I admit that I cheated before, but does dodging your attack count as 'cheating'? Seriously.

Dian Wei: HYAH!

Jia Xu: Oops! Missed again! HAHAHA!

 _And the same routine went for hours….._

Dian Wei: HYAH! Take this! Argh! Ouch! Hyah! OW!

Jia Xu: Whoops! Aight! Yup! Ow, he hit the trash can!

Dian Wei: Tch, pant…pant…come on, fight like a man! Try to hit me for once!

Jia Xu: Oh, that's right. Hmm…okay then. **disappears**

Dian Wei: Huh? Where the hell is he? **poked** Eh? **turns around**

Jia Xu: **punches Dian Wei**

Dian Wei: OW! Hey, I've already told you to play fair!

Jia Xu: Hey, at least I've hit you! Hey, look, I don't give a shit about rules, okay! I just want to get this over with and go home!

Dian Wei: Grrrhhhh….

Cao Cao: Argh! How could this be?! Hey, Dian Wei! Come on, get up! Show him who's boss!

Dian Wei: I'm…sorry, boss, but he's just WAY too fast for me…

Cao Cao: Tch! ….oh, I know! **whisper whisper**

Dian Wei: Huh? ….oooh! I get it! Hey! Jia Xu!

Jia Xu: Um, what?

Dian Wei: **stomps on the ground and sends Jia Xu flying**

Jia Xu: AAAAHHHHH! **falls down right onto Dian Wei's hand**

Dian Wei: HA! GOTCHA! Now, TAKE THIS! **slams Jia Xu onto the floor**

Jia Xu: AAAHHHHH! OOF! Auhrgh…..fuck….

Dian Wei: Haha! **slams Jia Xu several times**

Jia Xu: OW! AUGH! SHIT! FUCK! OW! AIGH! OUCH! AAAAHHHH! ….argh….

Announcer: AND THE WINNER IS DIAN WEI!

Cao Cao: WHOOOOOO! I knew you could do it!

Dian Wei: Hahaha!

 _Then, Team Dian Wei surrounds Dian Wei to celebrate his victory._

Guo Jia: Argh! No! Hey, Jia Xu! Wake up! Come on, you have to defeat him!

Jia Xu: Argh…I…can't….my bones….hhrgh…

Guo Jia: Tch! Hey, my darling Cai Wenji, heal him using your music!

Cai Wenji: Okay! By the way, what's with the 'darling' stuff? **plays music**

Jia Xu: AAAAHHHHHH! MY BODY'S ON FIREEEEE!

Cai Wenji: Oops, wrong music! **plays another music**

Jia Xu: Oooh…whoa! Man, that was fast!

Guo Jia: **whispering** Psstt, here!

Jia Xu: Uh, what's this? Wine? Now's not the time to get drunk! Besides, I hate drinking!

Guo Jia: Not for you, silly! But for him. **points at Dian Wei**

Jia Xu: …..oooooooohhhhhh. I know what you mean. **walks towards Dian Wei** Hey.

Dian Wei: Huh? What is it?

Jia Xu: Okay. Now, I admit that indeed, I'm only a cheap old bastard who couldn't match up towards your strength without cheating- eh no, even WITH cheating, so in order to express my awe at your powers, I thereby present you this wine.

Dian Wei: Oh, really? That's really kind of you. **drinks wine**

Jia Xu: Yes, yes. **grins**

Dian Wei: Ooooohhhhh~! This is really good! But I…feel…dizzy… **falls down**

Cao Cao: AH! DIAN WEI!

Jia Xu: HA! Now's my chance! **beats up Dian Wei**

Cao Cao: Hey! HEY! THAT'S CHEATING!

Dian Wei: Yow! Hey, I've already won- AW! OUCH! OW! OWOWOWOWOWOWOW! YIKES! AAAAAHHHHHHH! ….hhrrrrrgguuuuurrrrggggghhhhhhh…..

Jia Xu: Hahaha! Take that!

The Announcer: AND THE WINNER IS JIA XU!

Cao Cao: W-what the hell?! Come on, he's cheating! HE'S A FUCKING CHEATER! HEY! AAAARRGHHHH! NOOOOOOOOOOO!

Guo Jia: Whoo-hoo! Man, that was awesome!

Jia Xu: Heh…no, actually. I mean, I only managed to defeat him by cheating. Eh, whatever. At least now it's all over, I can go home.

 _So Jia Xu returned to his house._

* * *

To: Xun Yu

Oh, you've heard that already? Huh…I see…well, thanks for the souvenir, anyway.

Jia Xu

* * *

To: Leon

Oh, you think so? That's sorta weird since I've always locked you up in my basement…but, thank you too.

Jia Xu

* * *

 _Just then, Xun Yu and Leon both entered Jia Xu's room._

Jia Xu: Whoa! Oh, you're back!

Xun Yu: Of course! So, hey, thank you for taking care of Leon while I'm away.

Jia Xu: Uh, yeah…though I'd say it's not much 'taking care' as much as 'locking him up in the basement' though…I'm such a crappy caretaker.

Leon: Nah, it's alright.

Xun Yu: Right, so now, I will return Leon back to South Korea. **opens portal**

Leon: Okay! Um… **turns around and hugs Jia Xu**

Jia Xu: Whoa!

Leon: Thank you. **turns around and jumps into the portal**

Xun Yu: See ya. **jumps into portal too**

Jia Xu: G-goodbye… **cries** Huh? What's this? Am I…crying? Tch, that's weird. Why would I ever cry for him? But, still…I actually feel kinda sad for him…oh well, at least he gets to return to the place he actually belongs to. That's better.

* * *

To: Guo Jia

Hm? Oh…right. I've been in this thing for so long that I kinda forgot how the outside world looks like. Okay.

Jia Xu

* * *

 _When Jia Xu went out however, he saw a gift at the doorstep. Not long after, he received an email._

* * *

To: Li Yingqi

Oh, you too? Hmm…gee, thanks a lot. I don't know you guys care a great deal about me! But yes, I definitely need to take a break from this thing.

P.S.: Sadly, no. But hey, you could ask Zuo Ci to curse him again, hehehehe….

Jia Xu

* * *

 _So Jia Xu went outside and met Guo Jia at the café they used to hang out at._

Guo Jia: Yo!

Jia Xu: Heh. You know what…I remember the times where we actually go drinking around and having fun.

Guo Jia: You do? Haha! I thought you've forgotten it.

Jia Xu: Well, of course not! Heh, it's kinda funny how most people think that I get drunk too, but in reality, I usually get mad at you for drinking too much! It's bad for your health!

Guo Jia: Hahaha! Okay, okay, anyway, let's take a stroll now, shall we?

Jia Xu: Yes, yes.

 _So Guo Jia took Jia Xu across the streets of Luoyang. Since Jia Xu pretty much has never really gotten out in the streets ever since he had a letter segment, he was pretty much astonished at how the streets have changed. And since this is the last day of his letters segment, he also felt happy if also somewhat sad. They walked for a very long time, until it reached night._

Guo Jia: Oh? Damn, it's already late! We mustn't be late!

Jia Xu: Hm, late for what?

Guo Jia: Well, you forgot about that farewell party Li Dian's sister arranged for you?!

Jia Xu: Oh, that!

Guo Jia: Yeah! We poured out so much effort for this! Come on! **grabs Jia Xu's arm**

Jia Xu: Oh? Hey, wait up!

So the two finally arrived at Wan Castle, which has been transformed into a large art exhibition, with the banner that says: "JIA XU'S LETTER SEGMENT CLOSING CEREMONY".

Jia Xu: Whoa…

Guo Jia: So, you remember this place? Hey, it's the place where you've kicked Lord Cao Cao's ass, after all.

Jia Xu: Of course I do! Gee…this is where my career starts to shine…and where I've gained the enmity of Dian Wei. Eh.

Guo Jia: Well, then what are you waiting for? Come on, let's come in!

Jia Xu: Eh, wait!

So the two entered the castle, and there's a grand festival in there. Turns out, many people from the entire land have come to attend the letters segment's closing ceremony, even those outside of Wei.

Jia Xu: Whoa…holy shit…

Guo Jia: Haha, fun, ain't it?

Jia Xu: But really, all of this just for ME, who isn't even popular? Gee…

Guo Jia: Oh, come on, don't say that! The Author loves you!

Jia Xu: Heh…right. Though I don't know whether I have to be thankful or sad of it.

Li Yingqi: Oy, you came.

Jia Xu: Oh, hey! Umm…hey, you know what, I kinda feel bad for-

Li Yingqi: Hush, hush, don't bring it up. It's alright.

Jia Xu: Huh…seriously, I, I never thought you would care THIS much for me. Everyone too. Even outside from Wei. I mean, everyone knows I'm a major asshole, and yet…

Li Yingqi: Ah, don't question about it. Hey, the major show's about to start soon!

Jia Xu: Major show?

Li Yingqi: Yes! Come on, you have to give a speech to everybody!

Jia Xu: S-speech? What?!

Guo Jia: Haha! This'll be great!

Jia Xu: S-shut up! The hell do you mean?! I can't give a speech- WHOA!

Li Yingqi: **drags Jia Xu by the arm** Psssh, don't talk too much. Come now!

Jia Xu: Hey, hey, HEY!

* * *

 _So Li Yingqi brought Jia Xu to the backstage and tied him to a chair._

Jia Xu: Whoa, whoa, wait a minute, lady! The fuck you're doing?! Hey, let me go!

LI Yingqi: Pssst….just stay still for a while, okay?

Jia Xu: Argh! Pssst, Guo Jia!

Guo Jia: Nope.

Jia Xu: GAAARRGH!

Then, Li Yingqi went outside to give an opening speech to the audience.

LI Yingqi: Oh, ehem, so, GOOD NIGHT EVERYONE!

Everyone: **cheers**

Li Yingqi: That's right! So, today, we shall have a grand celebration as a closing to the letters segment of one man known Jia Xu. He went through so many precious events and hilarious disaster that befell him, and we laughed at it! But alas, unlike our certain other grand master of answers letters (Sima Yi: Hey!), he decided to take a break from it, and we lamented it! So, let us see what words he got to say regarding this! So I present you, Jia Xu!

Everyone: **cheers**

* * *

 _Meanwhile in the backstage_

Guo Jia: **unties Jia Xu** You're next.

Jia Xu: Eh? What? Whoa, WHOA! HEY!

Guo Jia: **pushes Jia Xu towards the stage** I said, YOU'RE NEXT! Don't keep us waiting!

Jia Xu: Wait a minute! Eh?! …gulp.

Li Yingqi: Aha, so this is it! Come on now, Jia Xu, tell us what you got to say regarding the closing of your letters segment!

Jia Xu: Uhh…emm…gulp.

Everyone: …..

Jia Xu: Umm….so…good night, everyone. I…never thought that all of you, would come all the way here just to attend the closing ceremony of the fic centered around an unimportant man such as me. And so….I…am grateful for that. So, um, the reason why I can't continue this thing for any longer is because, well, I'm tired at it, okay. I've been tormented and thrown into disasters for so many times, and I realized that, I just can't go on with it anymore. Coupled with my GODDAMNED old age, I know I just have to simply take a break from this. I know that many of you were entertained at my suffering, but I'm sorry. I just can't take it anymore. Uhm…but even with that, I find that many of you still care a great deal about me, such as you throwing this party for me. I mean, wow. And even during my most miserable times, all of you still support me to through some more. To be honest…I don't know if that means you actually care for my well-being, or that you like seeing me suffer. But yeah, that's all I got to say.

Everyone: **claps hands**

Li Yingqi: Wonderful! Now then, we have a question from a certain Guest!

Guest: What do you learn from your segment and what do you want to say to your fans who's reading this?

Jia Xu: Umm….well, first, I've learned to not simply heed whatever my friend's been telling me, or I'll get into disasters. Second, I learned that even though I'm a major asshole, hey, at least I still got loyal friends who got my back! Also, to my fans, well, thank you so much for laughing at my misfortunes all this time!

Li Yingqi: Hahaha! Splendid, splendid. Give him an applause!

Everyone: **clap hands**

Li Yingqi: Ooh, oh! Wait, we're supposed to have a special guest today!

Jia Xu: Guest!

Li Yingqi: Yes, of course! Hm, better not keep her for long! And now, we shall welcome our special guest! Presenting…THE AUTHOR!

Lolsnake: YOOOOO! WHAT'S UP, EVERYONE!

Everyone: **cheers**

Jia Xu: WHAT THE-?! SHIT! WHAT, WHAT THE HELL?! SHE'S HERE! AAAAHHHHH!

Li Yingqi: Better get used to it. **smirks**

Lolsnake: WOOHOO! Man, it's so fun to be able to be here! And, AAAHHH! MY HUBBIE! COME HERE, JIA XU-SAMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

Jia Xu: GARGH! AAAAHHHH! GET HER AWAY FROM ME! OOF!

Lolsnake: **hugs Jia Xu** Aaahhh…I love you! So please don't get away next time, okay?!

Jia Xu: When is the time I was ever with you, huh?!

Lolsnake: Hahaha! Oh well, time to give my speech to the audience! So, um, HELLO EVERYONE!

Everyone: **cheers**

Lolsnake: Now, let me tell you why I even wrote this at the first place. The answer is perfectly simple: because I LOVE Jia Xu! I know that all this time Jia Xu's been grossly underrated simply because he's not a pretty boy like Guo Jia. I mean, come on! How can you NOT like him?! He's just every bit as awesome as Guo Jia! He's smart, he's strong, and he has such a lovable personality! Yeah, sure, he's kinda old, but to hell with that! I like mature guys, after all! Haha! So, ehem, and well! I can be pretty sure that I'm the only female DW fan to be excessively fangirling over an old man, but I don't care! As I said before, Jia Xu is grossly underrated compared to any other strategists of the DW series, and I can't stand that! There's just too few fanfics about Jia Xu out there! So, as his greatest fangirl, I decided to do it myself of writing fics centered around him so that he can be more popular! This is essentially my form of tribute to his real self, as well! He was the unsung great hero of Wei, who disappears into the darkness when the world was crazy about Zhuge Liangs and Sima Yis, but to me, Jia Xu will ALWAYS be the #1.

Everyone: **clap hands**

Li Yingqi: **sniff** That's just so…touching….oh, and here we have another question from the very same Guest!

Guest: Author, do you have fun writing this segment?

Lolsnake: Hm! Very good question! Well, the answer is quite obviously: OF COURSE! When it comes to Jia Xu, I'm happy about EVERYTHING. I know, I may seem to be quite a mean person for putting my beloved Xu-Xu into random miserabilities, but I did it because I LOVE him! But because I know when to quit, I decided to end this thing to let him live in peace for once!

Li Yingqi: Yes, yes, that's very good! Let's give her an applause, everyone!

Everyone: **clap hands**

Lolsnake: Great! Now that it's over, can I take Xu-Xu to my house?

Jia Xu: HEY!

Lolsnake: Aww…why not?

Jia Xu: Huff…look, I'm grateful at you being my greatest fangirl, but stop all of this crazy fangirl antics! Seriously!

Lolsnake: Oops.

Li Yingqi: Well then! Now that this wonderful couple-

Jia Xu: HEY! WE'RE NOT A COUPLE!

Li Yingqi: Oops, sorry. Now then, let us hear the final speech from The Man himself, Cao Cao!

Everyone: **cheers**

Cao Cao: Ehem, greetings, everyone. Today is such a meaningful day for my strategist over here, Jia Xu. He's such a brilliant man whose talents gave me victory several times, but alas, we were such jerks that we let him drown in many torments due to our crazy shenanigans. But he managed to stand strong through all of it, the strength that I admired. And indeed, I admit that I've been always scornful at him and prefers Guo Jia or Sima Yi, who's now not even the part of my kingdom, over him, and I feel regretful for that. And thus, today is the time where I can finally apologize to Jia Xu regarding this.

Jia Xu: Heh.

Cao Cao: But that's not all! I'd like to give an interesting story here. Truth be told, it was actually I, who became the first DW character to gain a letters segment. But alas, it was short-lived, and now it is my secretary Sima Yi who stole the thunder from me. From that, many other followed suit, even the ones not from Wei. And now, Jia Xu too, decided to have one of his own as well. I could do nothing but to praise the luck of these people whose letters segment lasted longer and became more well-known than mine. Indeed, sometimes something ended up becoming far more popular than the thing that inspired it, but I don't mind about it. And now since this glorious letters segment has come to an end, we have to make sure this'll be memorable for Jia Xu. So, thank you for your attention, and please enjoy yourself.

Everyone: **cheers**

Guo Jia: Hey! Jia Xu, you're such a lucky bastard, you know that?!

Jia Xu: Eh? What?!

Guo Jia: I mean, look at this! You have such a pretty lady (smack!) clinging onto you all the entire fricking time! Why can't I have some too?! I mean, I'm way, WAY prettier than you!

Jia Xu: Beats me! I don't even understand! And do you think it's comfortable to have an immature and unstable teenager clinging onto you the entire time like this?!

Lolsnake: **continues clinging onto Jia Xu**

Guo Jia: **sweatdrop**

Jia Xu: Well, hell no! Argh, you know what, forget pretty ladies! There are a bunch of art performances here!

Guo Jia: Eh, okay! Ummm….hey?

Lolsnake: What?

Guo Jia: Come on, I know you love him, but can't you consider going out on a date with me?

Lolsnake: Hm, Guo Jia, you're a fine young man, but my heart's already on your friend, so sorry! Tee-hee!

Guo Jia: WHAAATTT?! Come on, that's not fair! Waaahhh….

* * *

 _So Jia Xu and Lolsnake (finally, a dream come true! Yayyy~ *smack!) went around the festival, where they saw many art performances brought by the Three Kingdoms, such as Diaochan and Zhang He's dance performance, Ma Dai's art exhibition, Cao Cao and Cao Pi's poetry, as well as Zhenji, Cai Wenji, Ding Feng's music performance, and fashion show for the girls (and some for the boys(?)). They also bought lots of souvenirs and had lots of fun, until it was the time for Jia Xu to come home, with Lolsnake escorting him._

Lolsnake: Okay, so we're finally at your home!

Jia Xu: Yeah, thank you.

Lolsnake: So! How's the festival?

Jia Xu: Hm? Well, it was fun, obviously.

Lolsnake: Oh, really! Tee-hee! I'm glad you enjoyed it!

Jia Xu: Hm…yeah….hey.

Lolsnake: Yeah?

Jia Xu: You know what…thanks a lot for all of the love you've poured out for me. I mean, I'm such an insignificant old geezer that it's a wonder someone like you actually cared for me-

Lolsnake: Eits! Enough. I've already told you I am your greatest fangirl, and there's nothing wrong with it, you got it?

Jia Xu: Hm…yeah. Well, better be home now. So, uhh…could you please let my hand go?

Lolsnake: Eh? Oh! Sorry. I guess, I was simply being…eh…

Jia Xu: Hm? Why?

Lolsnake: Eh, I don't know…I guess I'm kinda sad that this fic is coming to an end.

Jia Xu: Heh. There's no need to be sad. After all, this fic is the proof of your love for me, and I already appreciate that.

Lolsnake: Huh…yes. I suppose this means we'll meet again, right?

Jia Xu: Of course.

Lolsnake: Thank you! **hugs Jia Xu**

Jia Xu: Oof! Too…hard…argh…

Lolsnake: Whoops! Sorry! Hehehe!

Jia Xu: Hmph.

Lolsnake: Oh well! In that case, I'll better go! Bye, my beloved Xu-Xu! **flies (?) away**

Jia Xu: Bye! Sigh….never thought this day would come, eh…

* * *

 _So Jia Xu went to sleep. In the next day, he didn't check his laptop for emails like any other days, but instead going out to meet his friends and do his job like before he got his email. Thus Jia Xu felt free, unlike any other days. Despite this, he wondered whether this'll be for good, or that there'll be another email coming in to give him more unexpected adventures…_

 _ **THE END**_

* * *

Whew! FINALLY! I've finished this thing! Well, as I said on the summary, I'll stop when it's the time to stop. Anyways, thank you so much for all of you guys who've been reading this fic from the beginning to the end! I love you so much! Good day! Chu~


End file.
